A Love Longed for the Tiger Lily (GL) - Chapter 5

Once Taniguchi-san left the room, it was just me and the cold ice pillow left behind.
The fan hummed quietly, its wind tracing over me like it was silently watching.

I’ve said terrible things to her.
And yet… she always treats me with kindness, like it’s nothing.

Maybe that’s just the kind of person Taniguchi-san is—with everyone.

It’s the kind of warmth that makes you want to rely on it.
But this living arrangement isn’t going to last long.
That’s why I keep my distance.
That’s why I act cold, push her away, and make sure she doesn’t get too close.

“Wakana-chan…”

The memories from when I was little are surprisingly vivid.
I remember all those days with her.
I adored her—she was like a real older sister to me.

It hurts that I can’t even call her Wakana-chan anymore.

When I’m in front of her, it’s like two forces are pulling at me.
One is the fear I feel around women, and the other is the comfort of wanting to speak to her like I used to.
It puts me in a bind, and I end up acting in ways I don’t even understand.

Just being around a woman brings back memories I’d rather forget—
and makes it hard to breathe.

I was betrayed by the people I loved—people I thought I could trust.

People lie so easily.
People betray so quickly.

My father passed away when I was very young.
My mother raised me all on her own.

Life was tough.
There were days we barely had anything to eat.
But my mom was kind—so kind that I still felt like I was living a happy life.

No matter how exhausted she was, she would always hold me close, stroke my head, and whisper, “I love you.”

Since she worked both day and night and couldn’t always be home, I often stayed with her older sister.

And that’s where Taniguchi-san was.

She was always warm and gentle, wrapping me in the kind of comfort that made me feel safe.
I loved her.

“Wakana-chan, will you stay with me forever?”

My father left before I could even remember his face.
And my mother, working herself to the bone for my sake, often couldn’t come home.

So I desperately wished that at least Wakana-chan would promise not to leave me too.

“I’m on your side, Sayo. I’ll stay with you.”

She told me that once—patting my head while wearing her school uniform.

I believed her.
I clung to those words.

But it didn’t take long for that belief to shatter.

By the time I was in middle school, I heard that she had a girlfriend.
After that, she stopped spending time with me.

To her, that promise had been temporary.
Her girlfriend had become more important.
I was just… convenient to have around for a while.

I was the one who got my hopes up.
I was the one who felt betrayed—on my own.

By the time I was in my third year of middle school, when I felt utterly alone with no one left on my side—
I met someone.
Someone I fell for, deeply.
Someone I thought I could give my everything to.

She was a girl my age.

She accepted all of me.
Or so I believed.

We did all the things couples do—
Dates, sleepovers, holding hands, hugging, kissing…
And more.

I never knew being close to someone you loved could feel so wonderful.
I thought she felt the same.
I spent so much time with her, thinking I was happy.

But to her…
Those moments didn’t mean what they did to me.

“You’re disgusting.”
“You’re too much.”

……

Even now, just remembering it makes me sick.
Like I’ve forgotten how to breathe.

Sometimes… I want to disappear from this world.

Because I had truly fallen in love, the backlash hit me hard.
I think I really shut myself down after that.

I stopped going to school.
I never saw her again.

But now that I think about it—maybe we were never really in a relationship.
It was probably just me, hopelessly infatuated and deluded.

Because I was “disgusting,” the person I loved ended up hating me.
And now… I live every day afraid that someone else will see me the same way.

Ever since that happened, I started sweating and trembling whenever a woman was nearby.
I couldn’t even hold a proper conversation.

And just when I thought things couldn’t get worse—something else happened.

My mom got remarried to a man who traveled the world for work.

She’d always worked so hard for me.
I hated seeing her struggle, so I thought… if someone could bring her happiness, it would be a good thing.

But once she married him, she stopped coming home.

I was still too young to live alone, so I guess I just became an inconvenience.

It didn’t matter how poor we were.
It didn’t matter if there was no food.
As long as my mom was by my side, I was okay.

I thought she was the one person who would always be on my side.
But I guess that was just another selfish hope on my part.

Even my beloved mother… no longer needed me.

Now, I’m completely alone.

Everyone betrays me.
Everyone disappears.

I don’t want to love anyone.
And I don’t want to be loved by anyone.

In a world built on lies, I lost all hope.
And somewhere along the way, I forgot how to trust people.

…

All I see above me is a white ceiling.

It still feels unfamiliar.

I never imagined I’d end up living with Taniguchi-san.
Ever since we reunited, my emotions have felt like they’re being torn apart in a blender.

I’m terrified of women—
So how am I supposed to live peacefully with her?

And yet, this strange cohabitation began so suddenly, with no warning.

After getting lightheaded in the bath, all those bad memories came flooding back.
Today has been nothing short of awful.

More than anything, I hate myself for all the terrible things I said to her.

No matter how much I regret the way I acted today, I doubt she’ll ever truly understand.
And now, all that lingers in my chest is a heavy, shapeless fog.

My body still feels overheated.
No matter how long I rest on the ice pillow, the heat just won’t go away.