Before My Memories With You Melt Away in Tears - Episode 15

Since the day I made up with Fujino and the others thanks to Kyoya, his presence has slowly become a little more significant in my life. When I see Kyoya’s smile, it makes me happy, and when he calls my name, my heart races. But even now, I can’t put a name to this feeling.

It’s only been a little over a week since we met. It feels too soon to say I like him. I want to take my time and figure it out. But at the same time, there’s the pressure of needing to decide by the end of this one-month trial period, and that’s what makes me hesitate.

“So?”

After school, since the test was coming up, Fujino and Shuri were both off from club activities, and the three of us decided to visit the Emerald Mall where Kyoya and I went together the other day. We bought crepes at the food court and sat down at a table we had secured to eat. I chose a strawberry banana chocolate cream crepe. It’s the one I’ve been getting since I was a kid, but according to Fujino, it’s “too much!” She had a tuna salad crepe, and Shuri only had one with whipped cream.

“Hey, swallow before you talk.”

“Oops, sorry.”

I hurriedly finished chewing and then asked, “So, what were you saying?”

Fujino, clearly irritated, responded without holding back.

“I’m talking about Ikeda-senpai. What are you going to do?”

“Well…”

I honestly told them that Kyoya and I were just trying out being together for a month. At first, they were surprised, but their expressions gradually turned to disbelief, and in the end, they scolded me, saying, “You should have told us sooner!”

Realizing they were worried about me, I genuinely apologized.

“Don’t you like him?”

“Like who?”

“Ikeda-senpai.”

“Uh… I mean, yeah, of course, I like him.”

But does this like mean romantic love? Or is it just because Kyoya is the first person to truly understand me, and I’ve developed feelings of attachment for him? If I think about it, it’s like when a baby bird hatches and thinks the first thing it sees is its parent. Maybe I’m confusing my feelings, thinking Kyoya is special just because he’s the first to truly understand me. Honestly, I’m unsure. And the fact that I’m even having this much trouble means I might not actually like Kyoya the way I think I do. Maybe it’s wrong for me to even question the relationship when I’m so uncertain.

As I explained my feelings, I felt relieved that I had come to some sort of conclusion. But then, Fujino and even Shuri gave me a cold look.

“Was I really that stupid?”

“Wha…?”

“No, it’s not that you’re stupid. It’s just that you’re so oblivious to your own feelings.”

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

They seemed to reach some mutual understanding, and in that moment, I felt completely left out. It was my own feelings we were talking about, but somehow I was the one being left behind.

“Hey, what are you two talking about?”

Unable to keep up with their conversation, I asked, and Fujino shrugged.

“We were talking about how you’ve been so focused on worrying about others and neglecting your own feelings. You’ve become so unaware of your own emotions because you’re always thinking about what everyone else thinks.”

“My own feelings?”

“Yeah. It’s not about how Ikeda-senpai feels, it’s about what you want.”

“What I want…”

I realized I’d never really thought about it before.

Wait, no, that’s not true. There was that one time when Kyoya asked me to talk about what I like, and that was the only time I had actually confronted my true feelings.

“Do you not have fun with Ikeda-senpai?”

“…I do.”

“Do you want to be with him?”

“I want to be with him.”

“What do you think about Ikeda-senpai?”

The last question made me freeze. What did I think of him?

“…I don’t know.”

“Seriously, after all this…?!”

Fujino said, clearly exasperated. I wanted to answer, but…

“I don’t know! If I think ‘I want to be with him,’ does that mean it’s romantic love? Does thinking ‘I have fun with him’ mean that I like him? I don’t know what this feeling is!”

As I raised my voice, the people around us turned to look. I wiped my eyes, which had started to well up with tears, and quietly apologized.

“I know you two are worried about me, but I don’t know what to do yet… I really don’t.”

“…I think you’re overthinking it.”

Fujino spoke softly.

“Of course, it’s better to be sure that you like someone before you start dating them, but even if you start dating someone because you really like them, sometimes you end up breaking up because you feel ‘something’s off.’ So, I think it’s okay to start a relationship just because you want to be with someone.”

“Because I want to be with him…”

“Yeah. Do you want to be with Ikeda-senpai? Or would it be fine if some other girl was next to him, smiling?”

The thought of someone else being with Kyoya …

Just imagining it made my chest tighten, and I felt a heavy ache inside. The thought of Kyoya smiling at another girl? There’s no way I could accept that.

“…No.”

“Exactly. So, that’s enough of a reason to be with him.”

“…I guess so.”

I understand what Fujino’s trying to say, but a part of me also feels like it’s not fair. There are so many girls who like Kyoya. Is it okay for someone like me, who’s still unsure if I like him, to keep him all to myself with such unclear feelings?

Seeing my hesitation, both Fujino and Shuri smiled at me reassuringly.

“That’s right. Love is all about being a little selfish.”

“Yeah, yeah. You’re too nice, you know? Sometimes it’s okay to be a little selfish. Like, ‘Don’t smile at other girls!’”

“What kind of advice is that?”

I couldn’t help but laugh at Shuri’s exaggerated tone. Both she and Fujino joined in with their own laughter.

Is it okay to be selfish? Is it okay to want to be a little greedy?

Is it okay to stay by Kyoya’s side until I’m sure this feeling is real love?