Before My Memories With You Melt Away in Tears - Episode 27

When Kyoya said, “I want to talk about what happened yesterday again,” I would usually reply with a “Got it” in my usual way. I would say the words he wanted to hear, trying not to upset him. But this time, it was different.

“No,” I said, the word of rejection slipping out of my mouth before I could stop it.

Just thinking about what happened yesterday made my chest ache, as if it was being torn apart. It was painful, unbearable.

I didn’t want to go through those feelings again. I didn’t want to be attacked by that kind of sadness ever again.

“I’m sorry,” Kyoya said, his voice thick with regret.

I shook my head. If he understood, that was enough.

If that was all he needed, then there was no more reason for him to talk to me. He could just leave now…

“I don’t remember.”

“…Huh?”

It took a moment for the meaning of those words to sink in. Even when I understood, I still didn’t know what to make of them. What did he mean by “I don’t remember”?

“What do you mean…?”

“About yesterday.”

“I told you, about yesterday…”

“Yesterday during lunch break, you were waiting for me on the stair landing. After that, I don’t remember anything.”

Kyoya’s shocking words made me fall to the ground in disbelief.

We moved to a bench, and Kyoya and I sat side by side. He had brought me a cocoa to drink.

“So, what do you mean by ‘you don’t remember’?”

“…There’s something I haven’t told you.”

Kyoya started talking about something completely unrelated to my question.

“Do you know what ‘vicarious embarrassment’ is?”

“Um, it’s when you feel embarrassed because you see someone else being embarrassed, right?”

I answered, recalling a vague memory of something I had seen on TV. Kyoya smiled and said, “You know it well.”

“That’s when you feel someone else’s embarrassment. For me, it’s when I feel other people’s sadness.”

“Sadness…?”

“I call it ‘vicarious sorrow.'”

I had never heard that term before.

“I guess I’m more sensitive than others, so I tend to take on other people’s sadness.”

I listened carefully, trying to understand Kyoya’s explanation.

“When I see someone sad, I end up feeling sad too. Before I know it, I’m crying.”

“Oh…”

Come to think of it, when we broke up yesterday, Kyoya was crying. It must have been because he was feeling my sadness.

“But what does that have to do with you not remembering anything?”

I was happy to learn something new about Kyoya, but I still couldn’t connect the dots between my question and his answer.

Kyoya lowered his gaze.

“I don’t know why, but tears act as a trigger, and my memories disappear.”

“Tears act as a trigger…?”

“Yeah. So when I see someone in pain, I start to feel sad and cry, and then my memory of that moment just vanishes.”

I desperately shook my head, but Kyoya smiled faintly and said, “You don’t have to worry about it.”

“Because of this, whenever I have a fight with someone I’m dating and make them sad, my memory of it disappears. I don’t even know why we fought, and I can’t apologize because I’ve forgotten. In the end, the relationship always ends.”

If I believed everything Kyoya was saying, then I feared he might lose all his relationships because of this.

The fact that he couldn’t remember meant he didn’t even know why he made someone cry. For the person he was dating, it must feel like all the things they tried to communicate had been erased.

That would be too painful.

“…Until now, I never really minded it.”

Kyoya spoke softly, almost as if he were talking to himself.

“It didn’t matter to me whether someone came close to me or left. I felt sorry, but I didn’t really care about other people. It was more important to avoid making anyone cry than to get close to someone. I didn’t want to get involved with anyone’s true feelings. But…”

Kyoya looked at me. His gaze was so intense, I couldn’t look away.

“But with you, Ayaka-chan, I couldn’t let it be like that.”

Kyoya’s words kept coming, one after the other.

“If I’ve hurt you, I want to apologize. If you’re sad, I want to be there for you.”

“Kyoya-senpai…”

“I’ve never felt this way before… You’re the first person.”

Kyoya looked at me with an expression that made it seem like he might start crying any moment.