Cherishing You As Always - Chapter 4

I didn’t know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Sometimes, I felt glad that my brother didn’t have to think so much, didn’t have to carry so many burdens. To say he was my elder brother—perhaps, ever since seven years ago, it would be more accurate to say he had become my younger brother instead. Someone who needed me to take care of him, someone who needed the comfort of family.

Though he could still talk like a normal person at times, when he wasn’t well, no one could get close to him. If there happened to be a sharp object within reach, he would fly into a frenzy and try to hurt people. The only ones he had never harmed were me and Mother.

Father had already lost all confidence in him. After he became disabled, Father put all his hopes on me. He even gradually reduced the times he went to see my brother.

My parents were already old. It was impossible for them to have another son to inherit the family business. Though I was a girl, they had raised me as if I were a boy from the very beginning.

Even though Father and Mother repeatedly told me that they would marry me off one day, deep down I knew they wouldn’t. They would only find a man from a family of equal standing and persuade him to marry into ours.

A man with wealth and looks, of course—someone “suitable.” Yet never once did they ask for my opinion.

Suppressing the turmoil in my heart, I smiled again as I sat by my brother’s bed, tidying up his rumpled clothes. I said, “Father wants me to study elsewhere. I won’t be able to stay with you anymore, Brother…”

Suddenly, he grabbed my right hand tightly with both of his. I saw that he wanted to speak, his eyes glistening with tears. Biting my lip, I forced a smile: “Father says I’m too mischievous, so he’s sending me up the mountain to study, to let others discipline me. You must stay home and focus on your recovery. When I return, I hope to see a healthy brother again!”

Books I couldn’t keep reading, guilt I couldn’t set down—in front of my brother, all I felt was guilt, all I could offer was tolerance. Father wanted me to leave so I could learn more things. But was it truly right for Father and Mother to control every aspect of my life?

My brother and I were like puppets being manipulated, without the slightest freedom of our own.

A heaviness filled my chest. I brought over the meal, lifted the bowl, and scooped a spoonful of bird’s nest porridge to his lips. “Brother, crying won’t solve anything. While I’m away, you must take good care of yourself. Don’t hit people anymore. Dong’er is a good girl. If you hurt her, you’ll only end up hurting yourself too, won’t you?”

He refused to eat, still stammering, “Don’t… don’t go. I’ll tell Father. Sister, am I… am I really so useless?”

I knew this was already one of his clearer moments—sometimes he was lucid, sometimes not. I had grown used to it…

But hearing him say that this time, for some reason, struck me with a deep sorrow. “Brother, it’s me who wronged you… it’s all my fault that you’ve ended up like this…”

His trembling hand reached up to touch my hair. I looked up and saw a fleeting clarity in his eyes. “It’s not your fault… You’re my little sister… Protecting you… is my responsibility…”

I hadn’t cried for so long, yet in that instant, I felt tears pressing at my eyes. I held my brother’s hand, and all I could do was sigh. “Brother…”

His lips twisted into a crooked grin, his face contorted. I knew that was his way of smiling.

Perhaps having such a brother was a blessing I had earned in a past life. If not for him saving me back then, maybe the one who would now be crippled and half-mad… would have been me.

I knew how exhausting life was for him. He only lit up when he saw me or Mother; all other times, he was dull and cheerless. The servants looked down on him, and young women scattered at the sight of him. He had no one to talk to.

Even those who tried to approach him, in the end, were frightened away by his outbursts.

I didn’t know if anyone could ever truly enter my brother’s heart.

But deep inside, I had a premonition—that day might not be far off.

When Dong’er brought another bowl of porridge, I finally managed to persuade Brother to drink some. I was about to pack my things, but he clung to my hand, unwilling to let me go. I knew he couldn’t bear my departure. After all, it was such a long journey, and I had never been so far from home before.

That night, I sat by his bedside and didn’t go to say goodbye to Father or Mother. Mother would understand me—there was no need for words between us.

As for Father, he was domineering and selfish. Even if I went to bid farewell, I would only provoke his anger. He might even come up with new rules to impose on me.

For my own sake, and to spare Father from my defiance, I decided not to go.

I kept vigil all night until dawn. Brother slept soundly; even when I loosened his grip on my hand, he didn’t notice. Dong’er had risen early and stood beside me. I softly instructed her: “Whatever my brother needs, make sure he has it. Treat him well. He’s a very good man.”

Dong’er nodded. I turned to take one last look at my sleeping brother.

“Brother, when I return, I hope you’ll truly be well again. Only then will my guilt be lessened.”

Stepping outside, the cool morning air brushed against my face with a hint of chill.

Glancing down at my light clothes, I realized—without noticing, summer had already arrived…

As always, Mother had prepared everything for me. At the gates, ten servants stood ready, along with four maids. Two large carriages and two horse-drawn wagons waited.

Was this for studying? Or something else entirely?

No matter how many people came along, they were only there to watch me on Father and Mother’s orders.

Mother stood at the gate. When she saw me, she smiled. “See? Your father still cares for you. At first, I had chosen four maids for you, but he added ten more servants. You must make the most of this trip and study well…”

Added ten more to watch me, more like. To see if I cause trouble at the academy. At the slightest incident, they’d surely send a carrier pigeon back immediately.

Did they think I was a child, needing so many attendants? I glanced at the ten burly men, each broad-shouldered and towering. Showing up at the academy with them would frighten everyone away.

Shaking my head, I pointed out only one maid and told Mother, “Mother, I’m going to study, not to burden myself. Thank you for Father and Mother’s kindness, but I’ll only take Zi Hui with me. That’s enough.”

I didn’t mind carrying extra silver, but extra people were unnecessary.

The maid I picked was already my personal attendant. I had planned from the beginning to bring only her.

Then I looked at the carriages filled with luggage: clothes, pastries, books, brushes, ink, paper, and inkstones—enough for several cartloads. Was this for me alone, or for the entire academy?

“Mother, with so many things, Zi Hui and I won’t be able to manage. Better to exchange it all for silver. Once I’m at the academy, I can buy whatever I need there. When traveling, it’s best to keep things simple. After all, isn’t that what Father himself taught me?”