Divorce Application - Chapter 4
Chapter 4: Begging for Forgiveness
After finishing all of this, Liu Sinan stood in front of the floor-to-ceiling window and let out a long sigh of relief.
She was far from as composed and strong as she appeared.
Every word she spoke now was a forced show of her dignity.
Below the floor-to-ceiling window, traffic flowed, and in the distance, a familiar car drove up.
Liu Sinan had never felt her eyesight was so good. From the tiny car the size of a fingernail, a person the size of a sesame seed got out. She could tell from the curve of the sesame seed that it was Li Jinping.
Li Jinping… they hadn’t seen each other in three months.
Liu Sinan’s fingers paused on the glass, but she couldn’t seem to trace her features.
She anxiously took out her phone and zoomed the camera in as much as possible, but she could only see a blurry face.
And a back that quickly disappeared.
Liu Sinan’s hand fell, as if she had lost all strength. She rested her forehead against the glass and gently closed her eyes.
Miraculously, the moment she closed her eyes, Li Jinping’s face suddenly appeared in her mind.
Li Jinping was wearing her usual qipao, with her hair in a bun at the back of her head. Her elegant and beautiful face always held a kind smile, and every move she made was graceful and composed.
She approached her with the traditional elegance and gentleness of an Eastern woman, along with an inherent pride and reserve. She reached out her hand and said, “Sinan, let’s go home.”
Liu Sinan’s eyes snapped open, and the corners were wet with tears.
She realized she really loved Li Jinping’s classical demeanor. She never panicked, never spoke aggressively, but was internally insightful and intelligent. She could see through all your little actions and thoughts at a glance, yet she never held it against you.
She loved Li Jinping’s straight lips, which weren’t overly fleshy. When she pursed them, she looked stern and unapproachable, but when she was with her, they were always slightly curved, holding a smile as warm as the spring sun that poured forth from her thin lips.
But in the camera’s view, she seemed to have lost weight.
Even the waistline of her qipao had become loose.
Li Jinping’s clothes were always custom-made. Why didn’t her tailor fix them?
She wanted to go up and see Li Jinping again. She wanted to make sure she was eating properly.
But what right did she have to stand in front of her again?
Liu Sinan tucked the messy strands of hair behind her ear and let out a long breath. As she turned, she saw her reflection in the glass.
She remembered how much Li Jinping loved to touch her, from her cheek all the way into her collar, but she never did anything more. She just caressed her gently, as if she were touching a beloved piece of jewelry, her eyes and brows filled with admiration and infatuation.
To the outside world, Li Jinping was not as gentle and polite as she was in front of her. Instead, she was often expressionless and decisive in her actions, not allowing anyone to question her.
But in front of her, Li Jinping was a perfect lover. She would spoil her to the heavens and would secretly worry about being a little older. She was infatuated with her and would lose her composure, far from the calculating person she appeared to be.
Liu Sinan thought to herself, those were truly good days.
From the moment she signed the divorce agreement, she couldn’t help but indulge in the fond memories of the past.
But she also knew that all those beautiful memories had been worn away by daily disagreements and arguments.
Three months ago, she received an invitation from a foreign company to shoot a series of bikini beach photos.
At the time, Li Jinping expressed her opinion and did not agree to the shoot.
Li Jinping sat in front of Liu Sinan and reasoned with her gently, “Putting aside the fact that this company isn’t on your level, the design of this photo shoot is not exceptional. They just want to use your photos to gain popularity and draw attention.”
Liu Sinan wasn’t stupid; of course, she knew she was doing a favor for someone else. But it was a friend from her time abroad asking for her help, and she didn’t want to refuse.
Li Jinping’s brow furrowed the moment she heard the word “friend.” As she held back her anger, she still maintained her rationality.
“Sinan, when you were abroad, did those friends help you when you were in a difficult situation? I’m not denying your friendship; I’m just stating a fact. If those people were worth befriending, you wouldn’t have been the way you were when we first met.”
The content of this sentence had always been a forbidden topic between them.
It was about Liu Sinan’s stubborn pride and the years of chronic pain. They had a fierce argument right then and there.
“That’s because I didn’t want to accept their help!”
“I’d rather die of sickness or hunger and have my body rot away than be helped by them!”
“You always have such a flat tone. You have no idea what I’ve been through. You despise the photos I’ve taken, you despise my friends for their vulgar behavior, you despise everything dark about my past. If that’s the case, why did you bring me back to China? Why did you marry me?!”
“Li Jinping, we’re not from the same world! From the moment we met, you’ve been in control of everything. I never wanted to marry you at all!”
She didn’t pay attention to Li Jinping’s expression at the time, but she remembered that from start to finish, Li Jinping hadn’t said a single word.
She just let her be hysterical and then walked out the door.
Because of this argument, she ran off to a rave party, where someone drugged her drink. When she opened her eyes again, she was lying in a hospital bed, and across from her was a haggard-looking Li Jinping.
When she saw her wake up, Li Jinping’s steps stumbled, and for the first time, she showed an undisguised vulnerability, a woman who had previously seemed unshakable.
Why do people who love each other always say such hurtful things?
At the time, Liu Sinan didn’t know what had happened and was still angry at Li Jinping. She not only turned her head away and refused to look at her but also refused to eat a single bite of food.
It wasn’t until Li Jinping silently left the hospital room and her line of sight that she finally ate normally.
This accident terrified Lan Qi. She urgently contacted the media to see if any news had leaked, only to find that all relevant news had already been suppressed.
Liu Sinan got her wish. From then on, she never saw Li Jinping again.
The phone suddenly rang. Liu Sinan was a beat slow, but she lunged for her phone and answered it.
This was the private ringtone she had set for Li Jinping.
The moment the call connected, neither of them spoke.
Liu Sinan heard Li Jinping’s breathing, which was so familiar it made her eyes ache.
Li Jinping was the first to speak, her tone flat. “My assistant said you were looking for me. What is it, is something wrong?”
Her words were devoid of any extra emotion, but Liu Sinan felt as if it had been a lifetime ago.
All the nostalgia, regret, and heartache came flooding in. For the first time, she felt a surge of courage, a courage that seemed to betray all her past strength and pride.
She spoke with a cry in her voice, whispering, “I’m sorry.”
“…I was wrong, my lady, I’m sorry.”
“I shouldn’t have been so willful, I shouldn’t have talked nonsense, I shouldn’t have run off to play, and I shouldn’t have made you angry. I was really wrong…”
Liu Sinan rarely used this term. To others, “my lady” was a sign of respect, but to her, it was a forbidden word, a symbol of fear and weakness.
When they first got together, Liu Sinan was very afraid of Li Jinping. Although Li Jinping was always gentle with her, Liu Sinan was still terrified of this woman who was older than her and possessed boundless power.
The first time she called her “my lady” was during a moment of intimacy. She was terrified and scared, but she had to. Crying and hiccuping, she once again wrapped her arms around Li Jinping’s neck.
It was as if she was being hurt by the person in front of her, yet she still wanted to tremble and crawl into her arms.
Later, Liu Sinan would occasionally use the term. She used it less when she was happy and more when she was afraid or felt weak.
Li Jinping remained silent on the other end. She probably never expected that a divorce would lead her to hear an apology and a show of weakness from Liu Sinan.
After a long time, Li Jinping waited for Liu Sinan’s crying to subside before she slowly spoke. “Do you know, in the seven years since I’ve known you, I’ve never heard you say ‘I’m sorry.’ But we’re divorced now, and there’s no need to bring up the past. You don’t have to apologize to me.”
Liu Sinan said urgently, “No, that’s not it. Why did you divorce me? I don’t know why. Are you trying to punish me? I know I was wrong…”
Li Jinping interrupted her, her tone becoming heavier. “Do you think I would treat marriage as a joke? To use divorce to punish you? I’m not that ruthless. Sinan, you were the one who regretted marrying me. You would say hurtful things in every argument and never hesitated to say the most vicious words to me. You didn’t want to be close to me, you were disgusted by the smell of alcohol on me, but then you would go and fool around with models. You frequently went to bars, you never gave me any face in front of others, and you were completely inconsiderate of my feelings… You’re proud, you have your dignity. I haven’t said a single harsh word to you all these years, but Sinan, you have to know that people get tired.”
“I’m tired. I don’t want to play these young people’s games of chasing love anymore. I’ve been chasing you for a long, long time, and I’ve held my heart out for so long that it has grown completely cold.”
“Sinan,” her voice softened, but it carried a distant rejection, “look forward.”
“I don’t love you anymore.”
Long after the call ended, Liu Sinan remained in the same position, not moving.
She knew Li Jinping never lied. If she said she didn’t love her anymore, then she didn’t.
Just as she said, her love for her had been completely worn away by her own indulgence, capriciousness, and arrogance over the years.
Not even a single trace of love was left.