Double Junk - 121

“…”

“Yeah. I’m crazy. Completely insane.”

“…”

“So, think of it this way. A lunatic is acting up. If this crazy bastard hits you again, shoot him without hesitation. Pull the trigger without hesitation, smash his head, it doesn’t matter anyway since he’s crazy. Think like that.”

Seokju firmly pressed down on Ajin’s raised backside. Then, after patting his cold feet once, he placed the gun Ajin was holding into his pants pocket. Then he turned around and sat down cross-legged. His broad back was now in front of Ajin. The moonlight descended gently onto the silk robe.

Ajin just stared blankly at his back. Seokju flicked his hand back.

“Get up. Let’s go outside.”

“…”

“We can’t go out during the day. There are too many people and cars. If you want to go out, you have to go now.”

“…”

“Hurry, Ajin.”

“Ajin.” The voice calling him was unusually kind and sweet. Ajin momentarily felt an unknown warmth flowing through his forehead.

His mind went blank. Suddenly, dreams came to mind. Dreams of laughing with Seokju, dreams of being embraced by him and hearing him call my name.

Ajin leaned his body against Seokju’s back with unfocused eyes.

Seokju silently smiled. Ajin’s characteristic chilly body temperature felt unexpectedly pleasant. It felt good to awkwardly grope his shoulders or have his arms wrapped around my neck. Though his light weight was somewhat uncomfortable, I couldn’t dare to complain since I made him like that.

With Seokju firmly supporting Ajin’s lower body, he stood up. Then he slowly walked out of the hospital room.

The garden looked quite nice. The trees were still bare, not having shed their winter coat yet, and the grass was still brown, but there was a small stream, some flowers had bloomed hastily, and there was even a serene pavilion.

Seokju wandered around looking for a place to sit. Eventually, he settled on the pavilion. It was tall enough to have a good view of the night scenery and would provide some shelter from the wind.

But, all along the way here, Ajin, who hadn’t said a word, called out to him in a small voice.

“Boss.”

“Yeah?”

“You smell like alcohol.”

Seokju’s steps abruptly halted at that. He extended his right foot forward, then withdrew it, then extended his left foot forward in an awkward gait as he continued walking.

“Oh, sorry… I was going to wash up, but then it would take too long. Do I smell a lot? I should have changed into a robe.”

“…”

“Today, I had dinner with my family after a long time. Myungjin… got discharged.”

At that, Ajin’s limp hand regained strength. He grabbed Seokju’s shoulder and raised his upper body.

“Really? He got discharged?”

“Yeah. Breathing well, walking well. Same old personality. He didn’t even care about his missing fingers.”

Ajin let out a relieved laugh.

“That’s good.”

“Yeah, it is. While we’re at it, Ajin, you should…”

“…”

“You should get discharged soon too. Go home… and eat delicious food, sleep well. I’ll make sure you have your favorite tteokgalbi and bulgogi every day. And I’ll buy your medicine every day.”

Seokju said excitedly. He would sit Ajin in front of him and make sure he ate everything. Watching him gain weight would be a sight to see. Just looking at his chubby cheeks would make all the worries disappear.

“…”

However, Ajin remained silent. Seokju didn’t mind. After all, he hadn’t expected an answer.

Soon, Seokju arrived at the pavilion. He spread his robe on the ground and gently placed Ajin on top of it.

“Not feeling cold?”

Seokju asked with concern. Although he had wrapped Ajin in a coat and a blanket, he was still worried because Ajin was prone to feeling cold. Ajin shook his head slightly. Seokju sighed deeply and sat down beside him. Then, feeling that Ajin might be uncomfortable, he scooted a little further away.

“…”

Ajin gazed silently at the scenery before him. It was fascinating to see the city so close and lively compared to looking at it through the window. It was peaceful without people or cars. Yet, it wasn’t as dark as the countryside, and the quiet flickering of neon signs and the orderly rows of streetlights were comforting.

A faint smile appeared on Ajin’s lips.

“…”

Seokju watched Ajin with a sidelong glance. He thought it was a good idea to bring him out. He felt regretful that he couldn’t sit him between his legs and share the same view, but it was a thought he quickly brushed aside.

Seokju sighed silently and ran his hand through his hair. Ajin stared ahead, pursing his lips.

“Boss.”

“Huh?”

“Why aren’t you angry?”

“…What?”

“You said I wouldn’t be able to escape even in death.”

At that, Seokju stiffened.

“Ajin. No one gets away unscathed in this world. Not even you. You can’t escape. Nowhere, even if it’s death. You can’t escape.”

“Boss, it hurts…”

“Even if you want to die, you can’t. You can’t.”

Those were words I once said to Ajin. I couldn’t forget a single sentence, a single syllable. They were sins I had to remind myself of, reflect on, and repent for every day.

Seokju hesitated to say something, but his throat felt tight, and no words came out. Ajin had taken all the words with him.

Ajin, who was still looking ahead, tilted his head to the side. His damp hair fell in a graceful direction.

“I tried to die. It’s strange that you’re not angry…”

“Ajin. I-”

“Maybe I failed to die…”

Ajin smiled bitterly. It was his first attempt at escaping. Although Seokju had often gotten angry, thinking he was trying to escape, it was all a misunderstanding. This was the first time Ajin had truly decided and attempted to escape.

But to fail like this. Now what? How should he escape?

As Ajin let out a thin sigh, he felt the weighty gun in his pocket. He caressed the gun over his pocket.

“Did you give me the gun to tell me to die now? You said to shoot you, but did you actually mean for me to shoot myself?”

Seokju’s face turned pale at the innocent question. It was an unexpected thought. He hadn’t thought that Ajin would aim the gun at his own head when he gave it to him. Of course, it was his fault. He should have anticipated even that. How foolish.

Suddenly, Heekyun’s mocking words from a while ago came to mind.

“But you couldn’t die properly? Mr. Kang kept you alive?”

“I heard he’s in the hospital now. If he wakes up, what will change? Won’t he just try to cut his wrist with a knife, or try to strangle himself? Wherever he goes. If he sees a car, he’ll throw himself at it. If he’s in a high place, he’ll jump off. If he sees water, he’ll plunge his face into it.”

“Going to Mr. Kang must be tough.”

“It’s easy to kill someone, but saving them is difficult, isn’t it?”

I had forgotten about that. It’s the most important thing. No matter how much I apologize and atone for my sins, it’s all worthless if Ajin dies. Keeping Ajin alive should have been my top priority.

Seokju bit down hard on the flesh inside his cheek before releasing it. He slowly, but sincerely, turned his head to the side.

“No, it’s not like that. Just… I thought you might be worried. I gave you the gun to reassure you that you could kill me anytime. I didn’t mean to hurt you with it. I didn’t want that, and I didn’t do that.”

With each word, Seokju closed his eyes tightly, clenching his jaw.

“…”

Ajin, turning his head back, glanced at Seokju as if he found him strange. Seokju quickly avoided his gaze.

Ajin’s navy blue eyes stared deeply at Seokju. The image of Seokju, a sinner, was reflected in his shimmering eyes without any omissions.

Ajin slowly spoke up.

“…Understood?”

It was a brief question. The subject was omitted, making it unclear what was being asked. But Seokju immediately understood what he was asking about. His pupils hardened like stones. A shiver ran down his spine.

“I understand.”

Ajin’s voice, filled with a mixture of breaths, sounded hollow and desolate. It was so painful and heartbreaking. Seokju almost cried without knowing the subject.

“I understand that it wasn’t me. I understand that it wasn’t me who stole. It wasn’t Minjin-hyung who made me like this. I understand. Right?”

With no response from Seokju, Ajin asked again. It was a question, but also a confirmation.

“…”

Seokju confirmed with silence. Ajin chuckled dryly.

“I’m lying.”

At the mocking words, Seokju tensed up. His fingertips, neatly gathered on his knees, twitched and trembled. How could he earn Ajin’s trust? While pondering, Ajin leaned against the pavilion pillar and muttered to himself. Like a soliloquy, with a voice devoid of highs and lows, as if letting the words drift away in the wind.

“Then, will you apologize now?”