Double Junk - 129

“Does it feel good to feed that bastard treats, to get your revenge? Does it make you want to whistle a happy tune? If that’s the case, I’ll gladly stay here.”

“……”

“But no, it’s not like that for you, is it? You, who can’t even sleep at night. You, a lowly punk who can’t even look the Master properly in the face. You, who has to use the bathroom at dawn to avoid running into him. Why are you clinging so desperately to this place?”

“……”

“What good do you expect to come of this? Living like a beast, all for some measly meals!”

Ajin held his breath. Bullseye. Flower Lady, who always seemed to know everything, was spot on this time too. She had effortlessly laid bare the truth Ajin had desperately tried to conceal.

Ajin’s shoulders trembled violently. His heart raced erratically. His eyes burned hotly. Surging anger froze his body rigid.

“I hate you, Ajumma! You don’t understand me at all! I’m not talking to you anymore either!”

Ajin lashed out petulantly like a child throwing a tantrum. Then sniffling, he flung open the paper door and stormed out. As if venting his anger, he slammed the door shut and glared up at the bright moon, suppressing his ragged breaths.

“Not understanding anything…not understanding a single thing… Not considering my feelings at all. You’ve never lived as me, Ajumma. Never lived as a cripple……”

Sh1t, sh1t, sh1t…… Ajin muttered curses. To express his rage, he pounded the wooden floor with his heels. He clawed furiously at his own face until his nose turned beet red.

Rustle.

He heard movement. The sound of someone stepping on the courtyard dirt. Ajin whipped his head in that direction. A large silhouette was imprinted on his retinas. It was Seokju.

Dressed in a white shirt with an overcoat draped over his shoulders, Seokju stood there holding a basket. About five paces away – not an extremely close distance, but also not far enough that the shouting match between Ajin and Flower Lady couldn’t be overheard.

Ajin’s cheeks flushed red hot.

“Uh, since when have you…”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to overhear…”

Seokju apologized calmly, then slowly approached with measured steps, maintaining eye contact – a gesture seeming to soothe Ajin in case he bolted like a startled rabbit.

“……”

Ajin eyed Seokju warily, even taking a few shuffling steps back. Seokju stopped just short of the deck, appearing to signal through eye contact that he wouldn’t come any closer.

He placed the basket he was holding on the edge of the deck.

“I brought this for you.”

“……”

“A doughnut shop opened in Jongno. It’s an American bakery, and they’re really good. There’s chocolate stuffed inside the doughnuts. It’s a flavor I thought you might like, but I also got some yakgwa rice crackers just in case it doesn’t suit your taste.”

“……”

“I put in some milk too in case it gets stuck in your throat. Milk is good for the body. These days kids even take it as medicine.”

Seokju rambled on unprompted, a faint smile playing on his lips.

“……”

Ajin glanced into the basket. It was piled high with everything Seokju had mentioned, plus all sorts of other snacks.

He had never once accepted Seokju’s offerings. Yet Seokju kept bringing new ones unfailingly every single day. It was…vexing. Seeing this made Ajin’s irritation spike, feeling it was another feeble attempt at an apology, just like that summer long ago when Seokju brought persimmons.

Keeping his mouth tightly shut, Ajin angrily kicked the basket, sending it flying. The round-bottomed basket offered little resistance, spilling its contents everywhere as it rolled away to the far dark corner of the courtyard.

The yakgwa and doughnuts Seokju had carefully selected now rolled in the dirt. The milk bottle shattered, its white contents seeping blackly into the ground.

At that moment, the previously obscured moonlight shone through clearly, starkly illuminating the mess.

Seokju silently looked down at the crumbled yeok-gwas (Korean traditional cookie) that were crushed against the toe of his shoes.

“……”

Seokju did not say a word. He did not get angry, show irritation, or scold him for carelessly handling the precious food or disregarding the consideration of his superior. He simply stared at his own sincerity and wasted efforts lying scattered on the floor with an indescribable expression.

Ajin glared at Seokju and snarled, “You haven’t changed at all, Boss.”

“……”

“Why is it so easy for you? What is so enjoyable about this?”

At those words, Seokju clasped his hands together and then released them. After swallowing hard twice, he looked up at Ajin standing on the wooden floor and apologized.

“I’m sorry.”

“……”

“There aren’t many things I can do without appearing before you, so I was worried about that. I was just trying to do something, anything. It may have looked easy. I’m sorry.”

“……”

“Tell me what I should do, and I’ll do it.”

“Me? Why should I tell you what to do?”

Ajin raised his voice, stamping his feet. Asking to be told how to apologize – how shameless can he be? Ajin’s tightly clenched fist trembled violently. His gentle eyebrows were strangely furrowed.

Seokju gazed calmly at Ajin. Ajin was fully reflected in his black pupils. Feeling burdened by that persistent gaze, Ajin tried to back away when Seokju, as if realizing something, said unnecessarily sweetly:

“If you just want to act ill-tempered, you can do it every day. I’ll bring it to you at every meal so you can throw it all away.”

“……”

Ajin’s shoulders shuddered. His flushed cheeks reddened further. His heart sank when his secret motives were seen through so easily. Both Flower Lady and Seokju could discern his feelings so readily. It was so embarrassing and shameful.

Ajin opened his mouth to speak, but with burning red ears, he fled into the room instead. The paper door slammed shut with a bang! At Ajin’s abrupt disappearance, Seokju blinked foolishly.

“…Maybe I shouldn’t have said that last part.”

He tasted the lingering bitterness in his mouth. But it was easier on his heart when Ajin got angry instead of crying.

Seokju let out a long sigh. Conversing with Ajin was difficult and arduous. He had to suppress the emotions that kept welling up spontaneously, pretend not to recognize his own impure desires he could not bring himself to voice, and yet in the midst of it all, he wanted to keep Ajin in his sight, get closer to him, brush against his breath in any way…

Seokju picked up the overturned basket from the floor and dusted off the dirt.

“Yeah, it’s too shameless of me to want you to act ill-tempered towards me as well.”

He gazed quietly at the door Ajin had closed behind him, and murmured in a voice no one could hear:

“Still, I was lucky today.”

I got to see your face.

*

Ajin’s medicine was running low. On the pill bag he got from the hospital, there was a date written, and starting two days ago, the number of pills had decreased. Only the halved round pills were missing. Flower Lady’s medicine remained untouched, only Ajin’s had decreased.

At first, it was just a relief. Taking the medicine was such a hassle and burden. Having one less made that load much lighter.

But just two days. It was only good for two days.

His body couldn’t decide if it was hot or cold. Chills would strike, then he’d break out in cold sweat. Then unbearable heat would follow, and if he took his clothes off, he’d feel cold again. He alternated between huddling under the covers drenched in sweat and kicking them off shivering.

It wasn’t like summer heat or winter cold. It was as if ice was forming from inside his skin, then boiling just short of scalding.

As Ajin tossed and turned restlessly, the ever-accompanying Flower Lady became worried. She held the heavily breathing Ajin crumpled on the floor in her arms.

“Ajin-ah.”

“Ugh……”

“Ajin-ah. Why are you like this? Huh? Does something hurt? What hurts? Huh?”

She shook Ajin, but he only blinked rapidly, blankly staring into space without responding. It seemed he couldn’t hear Flower Lady’s words. Then suddenly he would curl up in apparent agony.

Flower Lady went from worried to downright scared. This was the first time she had seen Ajin suffering like this. Even when he had slashed his wrist and been hospitalized, he had just lain pale and unconscious, never writhing in pain on the floor like this.

“Ajin-ah. Say something. I need to know what hurts so I can do something. Is it a cold? The flu? Where? Does your stomach hurt? Chest pains? Aigo, you used to feel so cold even with a fever, why are you burning up like this…I’m scared…..”

Not knowing what to do, Flower Lady carefully laid Ajin down on the floor. She straightened out the crumpled bedding to cover him, then hurriedly left the room.

She ran down the hallway straight to Seokju’s quarters. She never imagined a day would come when she would seek out Seokju of her own will before she died. But right now, right this instant, she needed him.

As she raced down the long corridor, feeling her heart might rip apart, she didn’t stop. Without even knocking, she flung open the door.

But Seokju’s room was empty. It was a weekday afternoon, just past lunchtime – of course he wouldn’t be home.

“Oh no, what do I do…what do I do…”

Flower Lady shifted her weight anxiously. Chewing on her lower lip, she turned towards the kitchen. She had to find someone, anyone.

Past the tea room, she opened the kitchen door to see small groups of people chatting noisily. Though she didn’t recognize any of them, Flower Lady shouted at them.

“Call Director Kang! Get Director Kang!”