Double Junk - 135

“Sleep?”

One of Seokju’s eyebrows shot up. Sleep – it was an unfamiliar word he hadn’t uttered in a long time. And for good reason – he hadn’t had a proper sleep since the day Miss Flower stabbed his side and he was on the verge of death. In fact, even when he was on the verge of death, he wasn’t sleeping, but unconscious.

Afterwards, while guarding outside Ajin’s sickroom, after Ajin was discharged, after coming to his house, and up to this very moment of conversing with him – Seokju had not slept more than two hours a day. And when he did “sleep,” it was just the sum of the fleeting moments throughout the day when he closed his eyes. He had never actually laid out a blanket with the intention to sleep.

Because he knew he couldn’t sleep even if he tried.

Recalling this, he keenly felt the dryness of his eyeballs. Seokju licked and released his dry lips before answering two beats late.

“I don’t sleep. Too much to do.”

“……”

“That’s a lie.”

“……”

“I can’t sleep. Because you’re not here.”

At the candid confession, the smoke billowing from between Ajin’s lips wavered. Not missing that, Seokju let out a soft laugh and continued speaking.

“I couldn’t sleep before because of the heat, you know? The fire inside kept smoldering.”

“……”

“It got better after meeting you. Now, rather than heat, it’s your absence that keeps me from sleeping. Even without the heat, I don’t think I can sleep without you.”

“……”

“The nights are long. Lonely. And sometimes, scary too.”

Seokju said with a deep exhale. Even though it was Ajin smoking, it seemed as if Seokju was the one puffing out smoke.

Looking rather dejected, Seokju suddenly smiled brightly, a dazzling smile appearing. He gazed at Ajin with affectionate eyes and murmured,

“But it’s okay. I gave up on the desire to sleep a long time ago. I’m used to keeping my eyes open at night now.”

“……”

“Not sleeping has its advantages too. Thanks to that, I can think about you for a long time.”

Seokju shifted slightly closer to Ajin. The two, who had been sitting at the ends of the supporting pillars of the wooden floor, now had only a handspan between them.

But that distance didn’t seem to narrow any further.
Seokju leaned his body back, propping his hands behind him. Gazing at Ajin’s side profile, he concluded his monologue.

“I think about you day and night, Ajin.”

“……”

“I miss you shamelessly.”

“……”

“I love the time spent missing you.”

The moment Seokju’s final sentence ended with a period, Ajin took the cigarette from his mouth. The white smoke dispersed thinly into the night air. His azure eyes followed the trail of the smoke sluggishly.

It wasn’t unpleasant to listen to Seokju’s long-winded tale of love. That he missed Ajin and was somewhat unhappy and suffering wasn’t unpleasant either. Ajin felt that even in the moments he spaced out, or when he conversed with Miss Flower, ate, bathed, living his daily life – Seokju would be thinking of him.

While Ajin was left with scars on his wrists, he could tell Seokju had scars in his heart. One day, Ajin may be able to forget the scars on his wrists. But Seokju would not be able to forget, because the scars were in his heart.

This was Ajin’s sole victory. He was broken and shattered, but ultimately victorious. This win would never be reversed.

A faint smile appeared on Ajin’s lips. Somehow, he felt he could sleep well if he lay down now.

He stubbed out the shortened cigarette by grinding it against the gravel. Then, he folded Seokju’s overcoat draped over his shoulders in half and handed it back to him.

“I’ll sleep.”

“…Okay.”

Seokju accepted the overcoat. Ajin got up from his spot without hesitation. He opened the paper door and was about to enter the room, but paused for a moment.

“You should sleep too, sir.”

“…I’ll try.”

Seokju smiled faintly at Ajin’s offhanded remark. Without saying anything more, Ajin went into the room and closed the door. After lightly checking on Miss Flower’s condition, he lay down on the bed. Burying his cheek in the fluffy pillow, he pulled the blanket up to his shoulders and closed his eyes.

Finally, it seemed he could welcome tomorrow.

And until Ajin fell asleep, and even after he did, Seokju’s footsteps leaving were not heard.

Scattering Petals

From the afternoon, Miss Flower was saying strange things.

“I should ask Chairman Kang for a separate room.”

Miss Flower’s medicine is brewed by Myungjin each time. But no matter how much she took, it didn’t seem to help at all. As Ajin was organizing the piles of medicine pouches, he looked up and asked, “Why?”

“So I can sleep separately from you.”

“What is that about, all of a sudden? Do I snore?”

Ajin covered his own nose with the back of his hand. He had never been told he was a restless sleeper, even when sleeping crammed with all sorts of people. He thought it might be because he was being lazy these days and taking naps. But Miss Flower said something he never expected.

“Your soul is attached to my body.”

“…What?”

Ajin blinked with a dumb look on his face. Over the past few days, the increasingly gaunt Miss Flower sat hunched on the bed, rambling words he couldn’t understand.
“Your soul used to be attached to Chairman Kang’s body. Now your soul is attached to my body.”

With her tanned face that hadn’t seen the sun, going on about souls, Miss Flower looked just like a ghost. Ajin approached her with shuffling steps and firmly grasped her bony hand. The bandage wrapped around his wrist was clean white – Seokju had changed it previously, and again yesterday.

“It’s okay. I don’t want to die anymore, Auntie. I won’t die.”

“I said your soul is attached!”

Miss Flower pulled her captured hand away, shouting loudly. The wrinkles around her eyes rippled like waves. In response, Ajin also raised his voice defiantly.

“Geez, do you think my soul is like a dandelion seed or something? Floating around and attaching here and there!”

“Ajin!”

“Look, I’m perfectly alive and well! Perfectly fine! My feet have healed, and my wrists are healing too. So don’t say weird things and just finish your medicine.”

Ajin held out the glass of water on the side table. Unable to get through to him at all, Miss Flower snorted and breathed heavily. Then she clutched her chest and groaned. The wrinkles on her brow deepened further, and her yellowed nails curled like claws.

Ajin rose urgently and gently stroked Miss Flower’s back. His face was contorted with worry and distress.

“Get a little angry, be a little upset, okay?”

“Leave. Leave, Ajin……”

“Lie down. Just lie down first.”

Setting down the glass, Ajin helped her lie down and pulled the blanket over her. He brushed aside her disheveled hair and rubbed her cool arms and legs.

“Why would my soul attach to you, Auntie? What bad thing did you do to me? If anything, your soul should be attached to my body.”

“Ajin……”

“I was such a bother to you, Auntie. Always pestering you for food. You took care of me every other day when I was sick. You scolded the uncles and brothers whenever they bullied me.”

Miss Flower waved her wizened hand, dry like a winter branch, signaling him to stop. Ajin took that hand and tucked it under the blanket. Then he sat on the edge of the bed, met her gaze, and said in an affectionate voice, “You were my friend, and my family, Auntie.”

“……”

“Even now, it’s the same.”

“……”

“Even if my soul does attach to you, Auntie, it’s okay. Take it. Take it and use it up recklessly. You can do that, Auntie.”

At Ajin’s affectionate words, Miss Flower slowly blinked. Instead of telling him to shut up, she chose silence. Ajin slid down to the floor, leaned against the bed, and started rambling whatever came to mind.

“I really want to eat something delicious for dinner. This morning while I was wiping the wooden floor, people were bustling about busily. Apparently it’s someone’s birthday in the organization today. So we’re having meat, I guess. They’ll give us some too, right? Yeah, they wouldn’t leave us out.”

“……”

“Well, there’s meat in the side dishes every time, but still. I never get tired of meat. Oh, and I want to eat jeon too. I want to eat the kimchi jeon you make, Auntie. Should we fry up some jeon for lunch tomorrow? On the pot lid?”

“……”

“And let’s make coffee and go flower viewing. Let’s see the forsythias and sweet flags. If we’re lucky, we might even see that puppy we saw before. It was really small then. It’s been about a month, so it must have grown a lot. Puppies grow up so fast, don’t they? We might not recognize it. But just in case, let’s bring some bones or something. If we don’t see it, then never mind……”

After rambling on and on, Ajin glanced at Miss Flower. She had her eyes half-open, staring blankly into space. Then she muttered through dry lips, “I’m sleepy, Ajin.”

“…Then sleep.”

“If I sleep now, I won’t be able to sleep at night.”

“At night, you can play with me. We can play hwatu, drink booze, there’s lots to do.”

At Ajin’s lively voice, Miss Flower smiled silently. After blinking a few times, she soon closed her eyes.

“Alright, then. I’ll sleep a little.”

“Yeah. I’ll keep…staying by your side.”

Ajin gently patted the back of Miss Flower’s hand over the blanket. Miss Flower nodded her head.

Miss Flower fell asleep quickly. Each time her chest heaved, there was a wheezing sound. Her breathing was so shallow, it looked like she was being tortured just by sleeping.

“……”
Watching this, Ajin’s face darkened grimly.

He felt depressed.

Not the same powerless, suicidal depression as when he had cut his wrists or when the bandages came off, but a sadness that made him depressed. It seemed Miss Flower would soon leave his side. There was no way to keep her anymore.

Ajin gazed up at Miss Flower.

She changed every day. From yesterday to today. Just one day had passed, but she had become even more gaunt, her vitality fading away. He felt it so keenly.

Don’t die.

Don’t leave me.

Don’t leave me alone.

He wanted to say that. But the words wouldn’t leave his lips, as if even that would be a burden to Miss Flower.

For a long while, Ajin simply stared at Miss Flower. Then, foolishly, tears welled up in his eyes, and he buried his face in the blanket.

Death was creeping into the room more and more.

He felt he understood what Miss Flower meant when she said a soul was attaching.