Double Junk - 144

Seokju is handsome. His upper arms are thick, and his shoulders are broad, still manly. But he looked sick. His face lacked vitality. His cheeks were hollow, and his skin was rough.

In fact, when I face him, I remember I ate five spoonfuls that time. You said you would come later. Why didn’t you come? As expected, you’re a liar, boss. A jerk. A bastard. I wanted to say such things, but no hateful words came out of my mouth.

Ajin passed Seokju and entered the room. Then he opened the blanket cabinet wide.

“I’ll sleep here.”

“……”

“Boss, you sleep here too.”

Ajin took out the blanket with ease. It’s been a long time since he laid out a blanket because he always slept on the bed, so it felt oddly exciting.

After laying out the blanket, spreading the cover, and finally taking out the pillow, Seokju took it. It was a rather forceful grab. Ajin’s arm swayed roughly.

“Did Myungjin come looking for you?”

Seokju guessed the reason at once.

“……”

Ajin answered with silence.

“I see.”

Seokju bit the inside of his cheek gently. He squeezed the pillow tightly as if it would burst. What was so annoying, he repeatedly brushed his bangs back and forth and took a step closer to Ajin.

“Ajin, you don’t have to do this. I’m fine. So, go back.”

“……”

Wrinkles formed on Ajin’s forehead. He couldn’t understand why Seokju was angry. Judging by his expression, it seemed like he was ready to call Myungjin and give him a hard time. He thought Ajin would just lie next to him happily. Somehow, his pride was hurt. He didn’t come here to see this.

Ajin took back the pillow from Seokju.

“Do I look like someone who came here by force?”

“……”

“I’m going to sleep. Here.”

“Sigh… Ajin.”

Seokju rubbed his tired eyes. Ajin passed by such a Seokju. Then he dropped the heavy pillow on the blanket.

“I’m really sleepy. I didn’t sleep a wink last night. So, I was lying in bed all day today, but I still couldn’t sleep. It seems like I’m becoming a sleep-deprived idiot like you, boss.”

Ajin slowly turned around. Seokju, who looked like he was feeling a severe headache, frowned deeply. Ajin spoke to him in a calm voice.

“Let’s.”

“……”

“Help each other, like idiots.”

Those words made Seokju stop breathing. It was something he had said to Ajin a long time ago.

‘Just like you’re crippled in the leg. I’m crippled with sleep.’

‘……’

‘Shall we, help each other, like idiots?’

Because he wanted to sleep with him. Because he wanted to hold him and sleep. Because he didn’t want to miss the one who could save him from this wretched night. Like a wicked adult luring an innocent child, he had approached him.

“……”

Seokju dropped his head. A strange emotion enveloped his entire body.

If you do this, what am I supposed to do? What is your intention in exposing that past, that moment, which was the only bright spot in my life? Are you testing me? Trying to forgive me? You shouldn’t do that. I don’t deserve forgiveness or salvation.

Why are you trying to make me happy again? Why are you trying to save me? Why are you so generous? Why, why…?

Seokju was confused. At the same time, he was scared, and at the same time, he had hope.

Ajin approached such a Seokju. Then he bowed his head and made eye contact with Seokju, who had his gaze lowered.

“Why are you making that face? You said I could come whenever I wanted.”

“That’s…”

“If you’ve finished your work, lie down. No, even if you haven’t finished, just lie down. Before I change my mind.”

“……”

Seokju couldn’t answer easily. He didn’t know what to do to avoid angering Ajin or the gods here. He couldn’t predict how this moment would affect their future.

Ajin turned his back with a light sigh. Then he turned off the lights here and there and got into the blanket. Unlike the bed, the hard floor was surprisingly comfortable. He tossed and turned a couple of times to find a spot and then tapped the spot next to him.

Seokju swallowed dryly.

“Sleep in the same, same blanket?”

“If we sleep in different blankets, it’s not sleeping together.”

“……”

“Let’s sleep together.”

Seokju’s mouth opened slightly. He couldn’t believe the current situation. It felt like a miracle, like a dream.

Ah, is this really a dream? Is it a dream? Have I not opened my eyes since I collapsed?

If that were the case, he didn’t want to miss this opportunity. If he woke up, everything would disappear. Until then, he wanted to feel Ajin. He wanted to hold him and smell him.

Seokju slowly lay down next to Ajin. He couldn’t bring himself to touch him and lay a little distance away. Lying stiff like a corpse in a coffin, he looked up at the ceiling vaguely. Ajin spoke in a low voice.

“It’s cold. My room is very warm, but it’s really cold here.”

At those words, Seokju sat up suddenly.

“Oh, I told them not to put fire in the fireplace. I’ll go now-”

“You can just come here, boss.”

“…Huh?”

“Boss… You can just hold me. We used to sleep like that.”

Boss, hold me, we, used to. Each word was touching. Seokju lay down again. Even then, he couldn’t easily touch Ajin. His mind was blank. His limbs were so stiff that it took a lot of effort to even wiggle a finger.

Seokju, just blinking his eyes and wasting time like a fool, was met with Ajin’s annoyed remark.

“It’s cold.”

“…… Yeah.”

Startled, Seokju quickly moved closer to Ajin. After fidgeting with his fingers, he cautiously embraced Ajin. As Ajin’s fresh body warmth entered his embrace, a long sigh escaped him.

“Haah…….”

He could feel his senses awakening from the dead moment by moment. The insomnia that had clung stubbornly to his body melted away in an instant. His heart pounded with vibrant energy.

Seokju wrapped both arms around Ajin, who was showing his back as if to say he had no more hesitation. He placed his hot hands on Ajin’s chest and wrapped his thick arms around his slim waist.

“Fuu…….”

Seokju exhaled deeply again.

It felt like being alive. It felt like finally breathing a true breath. It was the moment he realized he had been dead until now, a walking corpse.

Once the dam was broken, he couldn’t hold back his longing, desire, and thirst for Ajin. Seokju, holding Ajin even tighter, buried his face in his nape. Ajin shivered and twitched at the touch.

“Your neck… is so… hot….”

Seokju’s breath was burning hot. It felt like his skin was being roasted, as if sitting in front of the fireplace. Yet, Seokju didn’t let go of Ajin. Instead, he hugged him even tighter. As if he was going to burst him open, as if he was going to press him firmly into his arms.

Ajin, who had been tossing and turning, let out a sigh and relaxed his limbs. He felt the warm, pulsating heat of Seokju’s body. He could feel the intensely glowing heartbeat on his back. It somehow made him feel proud. He felt that he held the heart of such a great person, that he made his heart beat.

“…….”

“……”

The two were sensing each other without much to say. They had come to sleep, to make each other sleep. Yet neither of them could fall asleep easily. They just closed their eyes and focused on each other’s breathing. Still, it was as comfortable as if they were sleeping.

How long had it been? Seokju, rubbing his nose against Ajin’s nape, said quietly.

“You seem to have changed. You’re unfamiliar.”

“…… Huh?”

“I mean, you seem to have become an adult.”

“…… I was twenty when I first met you.”

“Exactly. You were like an ignorant child at that age.”

Seokju mumbled and deeply inhaled Ajin’s scent. It had been so long since he had held him, and even after breathing in his scent again and again, the thirst didn’t easily fade.

“You’ve read a lot of books. The books you bought for me.”

“That’s a bit different from becoming smart.”

When Ajin had said, “Shall we help each other like idiots?” Seokju recalled the day he had said those words to Ajin. He realized that the Ajin of then and the Ajin of now were different.

Ajin had become calm. He wasn’t noisy before, but he used to have the lively and bouncing energy typical of a child. Now, he was like an adult. His voice seemed a bit lower, and his expression had become duller. His body and face, which used to show a bit of baby fat, had also changed. The expression “matured” would be fitting.

“…… A lot has happened.”

Ajin said with a weary voice. When he was in the gambling den, he could live carelessly. Although alcohol, gambling, and messy relationships were all for adults, it was fine not to be an adult. It was an environment where he could endure because he wasn’t an adult.

It wasn’t much different after coming to Seokju’s house. Even when he was deeply involved with him, it seemed to be the same.

The starting point for Ajin’s change was Miss Flower’s illness, then Seokju’s misunderstanding, and the final punctuation was Miss Flower’s death.

“…… Yeah. A lot has happened.”

Seokju gave a bitter smile. He gently patted Ajin’s rounded shoulders.

“Ajin.”

“Yes.”

“Thank you.”

“……”

“I want to say not to worry about whether I’m sick from lack of sleep or if I’ll die from being so sick. I want to say I don’t deserve such concern.”

“……”

“Because now is so good that those words won’t come out. I’m sorry.”

Ajin opened his eyes, which had been closed. Stupidly, his nose felt tingly. Receiving Seokju’s apology was not new. Since the moment he opened his eyes in the hospital after cutting his wrist, he had received countless apologies. But this apology, now, deeply penetrated his heart.

It seemed to be because of Seokju’s embrace surrounding him.

I missed you so much.

I was so hungry for you.

I wanted you so desperately.

He was conveying those feelings with his whole body. He could feel his heart.

Then, don’t be so harsh. Don’t be so cruel. Don’t hate me so much. If you hadn’t, we… we… Ajin, who had been thinking about it, quickly closed his eyes. He didn’t want to disturb this night with pointless imaginings.

“I want to sleep.”

“Yeah.”

“Boss, you sleep too.”

“…… Okay.”

Ajin exhaled a breath he had deliberately taken. After repeating it about ten times, sleep started to creep in. Then he fell asleep silently.

He had worried about not being able to sleep, but Seokju’s embrace was too warm to suffer from a restless heart.

Too warm.

Warm…