Double Junk - 148

Ajin was cleaning Seokju’s room. Although Seokju was not one to make his room dirty, Ajin swept and cleaned it every day. It didn’t matter since he did it to kill time anyway.

He ventilated the room, dusted the pollen off the door frame and drawers, and shook out the bedding in the yard. Seokju’s bedding was twice the size of an average blanket, so every time he shook it out, he couldn’t help but grunt.

Ajin came back into the room, carrying the bedding bundled up. He looked as if he had been swallowed by the heavy and large blanket.

Ajin managed to lay the bedding without tripping. He smoothed the wrinkles by patting it with the back of his hand and neatly folded it. After putting it in the cabinet, he felt drained. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead.

Should I drink some water?

As Ajin walked towards the water bottle in the study, his feet felt prickly, as if he had been pricked by a thorn. He checked the sole of his foot while leaning on the desk, but there was no thorn or sharp stone.

Ajin shook his foot and drank water, scanning the bookshelf with his eyes. He pondered what to read today.

Then, the prickling sensation returned. Ajin ignored the sensation by rubbing his foot on the floor. It wasn’t painful enough to furrow his brows.

However, the sensation grew more prominent. It kept reminding him of its presence as he read a book, bathed, and had lunch. By then, a grimace had formed on Ajin’s face.

Ajin sat down on the floor and flipped his foot over. He bent over, squinting his eyes to inspect his foot. But he couldn’t see the thorn. Maybe it was too small, or maybe it had buried itself deeper out of spite.

“Haa…”

Ajin sighed in frustration.

It wasn’t uncommon for thorns to get stuck in his feet. It never happened on the stone floors of the gambling den, but Seokju’s house was a traditional Korean house, mostly made of wood. Sometimes, tiny wooden splinters would stick to his feet while cleaning or walking on the floor.

When he complained about the pain, Miss Flower would squint at him and remove the splinter. But now, he had to deal with it himself.

“Adults don’t cry over things like this. Adults don’t get annoyed by things like this.”

Ajin looked up at the ceiling, taking deep breaths before searching for the thorn again. This time, he found it, a tiny speck lodged under his big toe.

Ajin pressed, hit, pinched, and twisted his foot, trying to remove it. But the thorn stayed firmly embedded, mocking him.

Holding his breath, Ajin ultimately failed to extract the thorn and collapsed on the floor. Wrestling with such a trivial thing had exhausted him. His foot, which had been tormented without cause, throbbed. He pounded the floor with his fist.

“So annoying… really, so annoying…”

Such a trivial thing. Such a worthless thing.

Ajin flailed his limbs in frustration. Then, he suddenly sat up and scanned Seokju’s room. He was looking for something to remove the thorn.

But instead, other memories resurfaced.

The first thing he noticed was the corner in front of the bathroom, where the stake had been. The stake where the shackles had been tangled. Now, the stake was gone, replaced by a silly potted plant covering the spot.

Next, he saw the empty wall where a painting of rolling waves had hung. Only a faint square outline remained, making the wall look empty and sad. He knew how that painting had died, how it had burned so miserably.

Then, he saw the sofa where he had lain crying, the study desk where he had searched for the round white pills, the corner of the room where he had screamed in despair, and the floor where bl00d from his wrist had pooled.

“…”

Ajin blinked slowly.

Surging anger. Tears shed. An empty heart. Rising resentment. Deep sorrow. Slowly flowing bl00d.

Recalling all this, Ajin realized something was wrong at this moment.

It was a sudden, unexpected, and abrupt realization.

What am I doing here? What am I hoping for? Living as if this house is my world? Passing each day meaninglessly, eating and sleeping? Monitoring how kind Seokju can be to me? Fearing what might happen if he changes again? Dreading that this strange peace might shatter?

Ajin, who had been staring blankly for a while, lowered his gaze. The deeply embedded thorn was now slightly sticking out. He pinched it between his thumb and forefinger, and it easily came out. All his efforts felt futile now.

The prickling pain vanished instantly.

“…”

Ajin stared blankly at the thorn before slowly getting up. He walked to the trash can and threw it away.

Yet, his foot still felt prickly.

Seokju came home early today as well. His hands were heavy with various things he had bought. He laid them out in front of Ajin. Among the food items, there was a pair of white sneakers.

Ajin smiled faintly at the sight. Of all things, why did he buy those? Should he say the timing was right or off?

In a monotonous voice, Ajin called out to Seokju.

“Boss.”

“Yeah?”

“I have something to tell you.”

“Yeah? What is it?”

Seokju, who had just put down the sneakers, looked at Ajin. His eyes held a hint of expectation.

He wasn’t hoping for something as grand as Ajin saying he liked him or wanted to stay together. He simply looked forward to Ajin asking him for something. Something he wanted to eat or needed. Seokju enjoyed fulfilling Ajin’s requests.

But the request that came from Ajin’s lips was something he couldn’t be happy about.

“I want to leave this place.”

“…”

Seokju’s mouth snapped shut. For a moment, he felt as if the world had gone black. He felt an overwhelming sense of despair, as if all living things had disappeared, the sun had died, the earth had collapsed, and he was falling into a bottomless pit.

He had imagined this before. If Ajin said he wanted to leave someday, what should he do? What measures should he take? He had promised Miss Flower that he would let Ajin go if he wanted to, but could he really do that? He worried about it.

He only worried. He never came to a conclusion.

He just hoped that day would never come. It was a complacent approach, but for Seokju, it was the best he could do. Just imagining Ajin leaving his side made his heart ache, so he couldn’t bring himself to think it through.

But that day had finally come. Seokju’s world collapsed miserably.

Seokju’s lower lip twitched intermittently. His black pupils wavered anxiously, unable to find stability.

“If you want to leave… where…”

“Anywhere. Seoul or another region, just anywhere…”

“…As long as it’s not here.”

Seokju murmured despondently. At that, Ajin opened his eyes wide and then bowed his head deeply.

“…I’m sorry.”

“No, no. You… have nothing to be sorry for.”

Seokju waved his hand urgently. What fault did Ajin have? He felt guilty for making Ajin feel emotions he shouldn’t have had to feel.

Seokju bit his lip. He rubbed his face roughly. Then, with a sigh of resignation, he looked at Ajin.

“When, when do you want to leave?”

“Uh… as soon as I’m ready… I don’t have much to pack, but still, I need to prepare a few things. Oh, I need to find a place to live too, um… yeah.”

Ajin stammered. He had only thought about leaving immediately but hadn’t made any concrete plans. Oh, I should have thought about it more. There’s so much to prepare. Did I expect Seokju to take care of it? How foolish. What must he think of me?

Ajin scratched his cheek in embarrassment.

But Seokju didn’t have the luxury to think about such details. His mind was so hazy that even Ajin’s voice sounded muffled. He struggled in a mire of confusion and despair for a while, then gathered his thoughts.

“I want to find you a place to live. Would that be okay?”

“No, it’s fine. I don’t want to trouble-”

“I want to do it. Please. It’s a place where you’ll be staying.”

“…”

Ajin wanted to refuse. It seemed the right thing to do.

…No, I can accept it. Seokju owes me. At this point, it’s too late to refuse his kindness, his atonement. I’ve already received too much—luxurious meals, Miss Flower’s funeral, and other big and small things.

After contemplating for a moment, Ajin nodded. He didn’t have the confidence to find a place, meet strangers, and negotiate the costs.

Seokju nodded in tandem.

“Then I’ll look for a place in a residential area, not too far from the city. These days, residential areas have markets and shops nearby, so you won’t have to go far. There’s less traffic than in the city center.”

“…Yes.”

“A Western-style house would be more convenient for living alone, right?”

“Uh… I’m not sure…”

“It’s not a completely Western house, but it’s remodeled in a Korean style, so it shouldn’t be hard to adjust.”

“Yes. But… it shouldn’t be too big. As you said, it’s a place for me to live alone…”

“Got it.”

Ajin closed his mouth. So did Seokju.

“…”

“…”

A heavy silence fell. It was a silence born of Ajin’s awkwardness and Seokju’s despair. Ajin, not knowing what to do, scratched the heel of the sneakers Seokju had bought. Seokju closed his eyes tightly and opened them, asking in a subdued voice.

“Can I ask why you suddenly want to leave?”

“Yes?”

“Did I do something wrong recently, make a mistake, or did something upset you-”

“No. No, nothing like that. Just…”

“…Just?”

“Yes. Just.”

“Ah… Just…”

Seokju raised his eyebrows and lowered them. His face looked very sad. It seemed he understood Ajin’s clumsy excuse as, ‘You just don’t like me anymore.’ Seokju’s face filled with sorrow moment by moment.