Expression of emotions - Chapter 11

68.

Final exams had begun, and things were as hectic as expected. Kang-woo had seven subjects to take, which was already more than enough to keep him busy. But compared to Seung-joon, who seemed to have at least two assignments to finish for every exam, he kept his mouth shut. Seung-joon looked like he barely had time to eat, so during exam week he stayed at Kang-woo’s place near campus.

Kang-woo finally closed his book past two in the morning. He felt like his head was foggy from lack of sleep. Behind him, Seung-joon, who had been fiddling with his laptop for ages, had dozed off face-down, the screen still on.

For days now, Seung-joon had been buried in both assignments and exam prep, so much so that he hardly seemed to have time to properly lie down and rest.

“Hey, Kim Seung-joon. It’s two a.m. You’d be better off lying down properly.”

Kang-woo spoke while looking at him, but Seung-joon didn’t budge, already deep asleep. Kang-woo hesitated whether to shut the laptop or leave it on, then simply pulled Seung-joon back and laid him down on the blanket on the floor before heading to bed himself.

Not long after he lay down, just as he was dozing off, an unfamiliar ringtone echoed. Kang-woo frowned deeply, sat up, and walked to where Seung-joon was. Next to him, Seung-joon’s phone was glowing. Kang-woo picked it up, thinking it might be an alarm, he glanced at the mobile only to find “Wootae” on it.

Wootae? Woo Tae-young?

Kang-woo looked at Seung-joon, who was still fast asleep, then after hesitating, he answered.

“…Hello….”

— Are all the Python output values out?

Py… what?

Tae-young had said something Kang-woo couldn’t understand.

— In the interpreter, the code….

“Uh… hey… Kim Seung-joon is asleep right now.”

The way Tae-young suddenly called and started spilling incomprehensible terms made Kang-woo think he must still be studying at this hour.

— …Seo Kang-woo?

It wasn’t even something unusual, it was just his own full name that he’d heard his entire life, yet strangely, when Tae-young said it, Kang-woo felt ticklish inside. Maybe it was because Tae-young had never called him by name before. Awkwardly, Kang-woo wiggled the fingers holding the phone.

“…Yeah. He’s asleep. Is it urgent?”

— No, then never mind.

Kang-woo hesitated. Should he hang up?

— …You’re still studying too?

He had been about to end the call quickly when Tae-young spoke again.

“No. I was just about to sleep when you called.”

— Ah. Sorry.

It wasn’t as if he wanted an apology, nor did he expect Tae-young to say one, so he just pressed his lips together in silence, scratching his cheek awkwardly with his index finger.

It was just one sentence, but somehow the person on the line didn’t feel like the Tae-young he knew.

“…Not really. You’re not sleeping?”

— Got too much to do. Can’t fall asleep anyway.

Even so, Tae-young’s voice sounded tired. Maybe it was because it was late at night, but his already deep voice sounded even deeper now.

Usually, when Kang-woo talked to Tae-young, he always had a sharp tone, harsh words ready. But like this, with both of them relaxed, it felt different. Maybe that was why? The low reverberation of Tae-young’s voice even sounded pleasant.

Kang-woo furrowed his brow suddenly. Maybe he was just losing it from lack of sleep.

— How many subjects do you have left?

“Three. You?”

— I’ve got three left too, but on top of that, three more assignments.

Tae-young gave a long sigh and chuckled. Kang-woo was reminded of Seung-joon earlier, clutching his head saying ‘one hour felt like a day’.

When has he ever had a proper conversation with Woo Tae-young before?

And now they were talking on the phone, even calmly.

Was it possible to talk with Woo Tae-young Taeyoung like this?

As Kang-woo mulled over the strange situation, they both went silent again. His fingertips itched.

“…Well… you’re working hard.”

— Everyone is. But shouldn’t you be sleeping? Hurry and get to bed.

“Yeah.”

— …Good night.

Kang-woo froze at Tae-young’s words just as he was about to hang up. Should he say “Good night” back?

“…”

Tae-young hadn’t hung up yet, so the seconds on the call timer kept ticking away. Unable to bear the awkwardness, Kang-woo hurriedly pressed the end button three seconds later.

After hanging up, he felt really strange. He looked at his tingling fingertips, clenched his fist tight, then slowly opened it again.

Seriously, what the hell is this feeling?

69.

Friday’s liberal arts class was his last exam of the semester. He breezed through the test in a good mood and handed in his exam with a sense of relief. Most of the questions were short-answer questions, and the answers came to him right away, so he was confident he could’ve snagged a gold medal if there were one. Still, worried he might’ve made a mistake, he calmly reviewed his paper a couple more times. Then, after sneaking a glance at Seung-joon, sitting in the very front row taking the test, he pushed open the back door. Checking his phone, he saw only fifteen minutes had passed since the exam began.

Before the test, Seung-joon had said, “Let’s finally have a real lunch today,” so Kang-woo decided to wait for him in the hallway and shut the door again.

“What came into view was Tae-young, leaning against the wall as if he’d already finished the exam. And standing in front of him was a familiar female student — someone who had taken the elective class with them this semester.”

Do they know each other?

As he watched curiously, the girl smiled and handed something to Tae-young, said a few words, and then left. In Tae-young’s hand was chocolate and a folded note. Kang-woo glanced at it briefly.

“Want some?”

Tae-young looked at Kang-woo and held out the chocolate he’d just received from the girl.

“…What’s that supposed to be?”

“Chocolate.”

“You think I asked because I didn’t know what it was?”

“She gave it to me with her number.”

Ah. This bastard’s just showing off that he got a girl’s number. Kang-woo scowled. He really was a master at making things about himself.

“Yeah, enjoy it all by yourself.”

Kang-woo said that and leaned back against the wall.

“Don’t eat it then.”

Tae-young unwrapped the chocolate he’d offered and ate it himself. Then he leaned against the wall too, right beside Kang-woo.

Neither of them said a word. They just stood there, both staring at the back door, waiting for Seung-joon to come out.

In the quiet hallway, standing shoulder-to-shoulder like that, Kang-woo suddenly felt like he and Tae-young were serving detention together. If Tae-young had been his high school friend, they would’ve been caught goofing off and kicked out like this all the time. The thought made him laugh out of nowhere. It wasn’t even that funny, really.

Embarrassed at laughing by himself, Kang-woo quickly wiped the smile from his face. But Tae-young, right beside him, gave him a look as if asking, “What are you doing?” He pretended not to notice, keeping his expression stiff, and before long Tae-young quietly shifted his gaze back down to his phone.

70.

At first, whenever the back door opened, both of them glanced over, thinking it might be Seung-joon. But after the door opened five, six times—each time only strangers walking out—Kang-woo and Tae-young eventually gave up and just stared at their phones or at their own toes, awkwardly standing there. Still, not a word was exchanged between them. Seungjun seemed determined to use the full fifty minutes; nearly thirty had passed, and he still hadn’t come out.

“Hey, but… why don’t you have a girlfriend?”

Kang-woo was the first to break the silence. The girl who had slipped her number to Tae-young earlier had popped back into his mind.

Tae-young, who had been staring at his phone, raised his head with an expression that said, What kind of random question is that?

“Wait… are you actually gay?”

“You mean, I don’t have a girlfriend because I’m really gay?”

“Does that even make sense?”

Kang-woo had thought he’d asked cautiously enough, but Tae-young’s sharp counter left him frowning as he replied.

“Then what about me? Do I really look gay to you?”

“Then do I really look like a pusho….”

Kang-woo cut himself off.

Well, he had been one for a while. When Tae-young had called him a pushover, it was usually when Kang-woo really was acting like one. So it wasn’t hard to believe Tae-young actually thought that way.

Kang-woo stayed quiet and avoided his gaze. Then Tae-young smirked, and Kang-woo instantly scowled at the sight of it.

“Or maybe… you just don’t have a girlfriend because you still like your ex?” Tae-young asked.

“…That’s not it. well…”

When Kang-woo finally answered, Tae-young lifted his head from staring at his toes and looked straight at him.

“If I had to put it one way, yeah, it’s sort of because of her. But that doesn’t mean I still like her.”

As he said it, Kang-woo realized he was sounding way too serious and felt awkward about it. Tae-young said nothing in return. Kang-woo, staring off at nothing in particular, glanced back at him, and their eyes met.

“…”

“…”

“Hey. And stop calling me a pushover.”

Tae-young didn’t reply. His expression was hard to read. He just looked at him.

Their eyes kept meeting, and Kang-woo started feeling restless. Sometimes Tae-young gave off this unnecessarily deep, weighty kind of gaze. And with him not saying a word, it felt awkward to keep staring back.

“…You’re not gonna answer me?”

Kang-woo asked, but Tae-young still stayed silent.

“Stop calling me a pushover, seriously. The more you say it, the more I actually feel like one.”

“Hey, that’s not on me. You did dumb sh1t, so I called you a pushover.”

“Well, I don’t do that anymore, so stop. There are things I want to forget. But when you keep bringing it up, it just comes back.”

“…Hmm.”

“…”

“Depends on how you behave.”

Tae-young finally broke his pause with a laugh. Kang-woo scowled at Tae-young’s stubbornness—refusing to say “okay.” He clamped his mouth shut, refusing to argue further, while Tae-young just watched him with a smile. The sight of that smile only made him frown even harder.