Expression of emotions - Chapter 13

74.

Kang-woo followed Seung-joon’s SNS and ended up clicking into Tae-young’s profile.

Tae-young didn’t seem to use SNS much either, his page was mostly filled with photos other people had tagged him in.

Apparently, he knew a lot of women; almost every tagged post was from a girl, and most of the comments on those posts were from girls, too. That made him think of what Seung-joon once said — that “there weren’t many women in their department or club, so he didn’t know any female acquaintances” and Kang-woo couldn’t help but laugh.

Thinking there was nothing more to see, Kang-woo was about to close the app.

But his finger slipped.

Without realizing it, he accidentally tapped the Add Friend button under Tae-young’s name.

Kang-woo didn’t use SNS often, but he did know that sending a friend request would notify the other person. Frozen in panic for a few seconds, he quickly canceled the request and turned off the app — no, he turned off his entire phone.

Suddenly, he wanted to die from embarrassment.

He scratched the back of his head roughly. His face was burning. It felt like he’d lost, though he didn’t even know what exactly he’d lost. He groaned and rolled around on his bed in frustration.

No, maybe he doesn’t even have the app installed, he didn’t seem like the SNS type, right?

75.

[Hey.]

[If you’re gonna send a friend request, just send it.]

[Why’d you cancel?]

A message popped up from an unsaved number.

[Who are you?]

Kang-woo pretended not to know the full name displayed right above the message.

[Woo Tae-young.]

[Don’t know anyone by that name.]

[Yeah, sure you don’t.]

Tae-young’s reply made Kang-woo squeeze his eyes shut.

For some reason, the title of a song came to mind:

That person… I really can’t stand him.

76.

Kang-woo turned off his phone again after Tae-young’s message lit up the screen. But the sound of incoming notifications continued several more times. He flipped the phone face down.

He thought about just going to sleep but the situation bothered him so much he couldn’t. On top of that, ignoring the messages made him uneasy. It really did look like he’d been snooping and got caught off guard.

Which, honestly, was true.

Feeling he should at least reply something, Kang-woo picked up his phone again.

[You were spying on my SNS, huh?]

[Didn’t expect that from you, honestly.]

[But seriously, why’d you cancel? LOLLLLLL]

[Hey.]

[Hey.]

[Ignoring me? LOL.]

Reading those messages, Kang-woo could practically imagine Tae-young’s voice and  his expression. And of course, the tone of the texts sounded way too amused. Who could he blame but his own fingers? He sighed.

[Now you’re not even opening it?]

[Anyway, what’ve you been up to during break?]

Kang-woo stared at the messages, wondering what to say. When he read that last one — what’ve you been up to — his feelings turned oddly complicated. Maybe even a little irritated.

Was he really curious, or just saying it to tease? If he hadn’t made that SNS mistake, Tae-young would’ve never contacted him, he’d have gone the entire break without a word. And yet now, he was the one asking him questions. It annoyed him, though he didn’t know why exactly it annoyed him.

[Hey.]

[Hey, hey.]

[Oh wow, now you’re leaving me to read?]

When another message came through, Kang-woo finally typed a reply.

[Why do you care what I’ve been doing?]

[Still the same as ever, huh.]

Tae-young’s response came immediately, popping up right below Kang-woo’s. That somehow made Kang-woo feel weird again. Maybe even… disappointed? But why would he be disappointed?

[Sorry for the random notification.]

[I’m going to sleep now, so don’t reply.]

It was already past one in the morning when Kang-woo sent that. When the ‘read’ mark appeared, he turned off his phone.

He tried to sleep.

But it wasn’t easy. Even though he’d said don’t reply, the silence from his phone bothered him. He didn’t understand why it bothered him — but it did. Restless, Kang-woo tossed and turned for a long time.

77.

Half of the vacation had already passed. Since that night, Kang-woo hadn’t exchanged any more messages with Tae-young.

Well, this was the kind of relationship they had— if they saw each other, fine; if not, there was no reason to look for each other. A ‘friend of a friend’, at best.

Still, when he thought about the previous semester, there had been quite a few moments between them. He’d even let Tae-young crash at his place once. That thought immediately brought up the image of Tae-young’s firm, bare back and Kangwoo froze.

Why the hell am I remembering that?

Am I some kind of pervert? Am I a pervert here?

It had been Tae-young who’d started things — always teasing, always provoking, even though they weren’t close enough for that. Why had he done that from the start?

If, like Seung-joon said, it was because he’d wanted to get closer, shouldn’t he have kept in touch over the break, too?

Then why was he thinking about it now? Seriously?

Kang-woo was baffled by himself for constantly thinking about Tae-young. But the more he thought, the more pointless it felt. He decided that next semester, even if he saw Tae-young, he wouldn’t acknowledge him. He’d vow to pretend not to know him from now on.

78.

Seung-joon had returned to the country. And during that time, he had gotten a girlfriend. Seung-joon’s girlfriend was a medical student from another school whom he had met during a volunteer activity. And so, even though Seung-joon was already expected to be very busy next semester, he began dating a medical student who would be even busier than he was.

He met up with Kang-woo and some neighborhood friends, saying he’d brought souvenirs. Seung-joon was full of energy, trying to sum up the past month and a half in a single night.

And of course, he talked about his girlfriend nonstop. Kang-woo, on the other hand, had nothing to say. Things were so different now from when they were freshmen.

“You should date a med student too,” Seung-joon said smugly. “Want me to set you up?”

Kang-woo just gave him a look like, You’ve got to be kidding me.

After the group split up, the two of them walked down the alley together. Halfway through, Seung-joon stopped, holding onto a wall and groaning that he felt nauseous. Kang-woo stood next to him, patting his back half-heartedly. He’d known this would happen, he had been drinking way too cheerfully earlier.

“Oh right,” Seung-joon said suddenly, lifting his head. “Tae-young asked what you’ve been up to. What’ve you been doing, anyway?”

Kang-woo blinked.

“…That’s random. Why’d he ask you that?”

“Now that I think about it, yeah. He could’ve just asked you directly.”

Kang-woo didn’t answer. He just unconsciously frowned slightly.

“Hey, why do you hate Tae-young so much anyway?”

Do I hate him?

When he really thought about it, Tae-young didn’t make him comfortable, that was for sure. Even setting aside the teasing, something about him always put Kang-woo on edge.

At first, he’d disliked him— found him annoying, irritating, unpleasant to run into. But now… he couldn’t clearly explain what he felt anymore. That uncertainty itself made him more uncomfortable. It wasn’t as simple as just “I hate him.”

As Kang-woo stayed quiet, lost in thought, Seung-joon stared at him, bewildered.

“Hey. How much do you hate him that you look like that?”

“I don’t… I don’t hate him that much.”

“….”

“Actually… I don’t know. I really don’t.”

Seung-joon kept giving him a weird look, but Kang-woo didn’t say more. He felt awkward even making eye contact.

“Hey, either puke here or go home and sleep already.”

Kang-woo gave Seung-joon one more half-hearted pat on the back and started walking ahead.

What did I even do this vacation?

He’d gone to an academy, traveled around Korea, helped his niece study before the new semester. And, more than he cared to admit, he’d thought about Tae-young, a lot. He hadn’t wanted to, but he had. Even though they hadn’t exchanged a single message since that one night, Tae-young kept coming to mind.

Maybe it was because of that embarrassing SNS mistake because it had made him feel so exposed.

Whatever it was, he didn’t want anyone to know that he cared about Tae-young— not in a good way or a bad way. 

….Not even Seung-joon.

79.

The new semester arrived quickly. Kang-woo didn’t share any classes with Seung-joon this term— and therefore, none with Tae-young either. He actually felt relieved. Somehow, it just seemed better not to run into him.

After an early class, Kang-woo planned to meet some friends to celebrate the start of the semester with good food near campus. He finished first and was on the phone with a friend who was waiting on a library bench.

And that’s when he saw Tae-young.

How long had it been? Taeyoung’s hair looked lighter than before, maybe he’d dyed it. He was tall and striking as always, and since they weren’t far apart, it was impossible for Kang-woo not to recognize him. Still, he was on the phone and had no real desire to say hello. So he just glanced briefly and started to walk past, pretending not to see him.

Or he tried to.

But then a hand caught his shoulder.

“Hey. You forget my face already?”

Tae-young said it with a grin. Kang-woo blinked, listening to his friend on the other side of the phone, staring blankly at him.

“…I’m on the phone right now. Did you need something?”

He briefly put the phone away and said to Tae-young, then lifted the phone back to his ear, though the call was basically over anyway.

Tae-young raised an eyebrow, looking a bit awkward but still smiling.

He didn’t answer, but he also didn’t let go of his shoulder. Kang-woo glanced down at the hand gripping him, quickly wrapped up his call, and hung up.

“What.”

“I was just gonna say it’s nice to see you again. Why’re you so grumpy?”

Kang-woo didn’t respond, just fiddled with his phone.

“Are you mad at me or something?”

He wasn’t angry, just annoyed. But when asked so directly, he couldn’t think of a proper reply.

“It’s not like I ever had good feelings toward you.”

Tae-young watched him quietly after that, and Kang-woo avoided his gaze, feeling uncomfortable. He started walking.

“I’m going.”

“Going where?”

Tae-young asked, grabbing his shoulder again as he tried to move. Kang-woo let out an incredulous laugh.

“You know what’s funny? We didn’t talk all break, and now you act like we saw each other yesterday.”

“I did message you once. You told me not to reply because you were going to sleep.”

Listening to that, Kang-woo thought how meaningless this conversation felt. After all this time, what were they even doing?

“So what, you’re upset I didn’t reply?”

“Doesn’t make sense, right?”

“Yeah, so what is it then? Why’re you acting all prickly?”

Tae-young was being unusually persistent. His hand was still on Kang-woo’s shoulder, refusing to let go.

“…Honestly, you make me uncomfortable. It’s awkward to pretend like I know you but also hard to pretend I don’t.”

“Why?”

“Do you really not know? You’ve made me uncomfortable since the beginning.”

Tae-young went quiet at that, and Kang-woo looked away. Yeah. Uncomfortable. Thinking about him made him uneasy, and seeing him now made him uneasy too.

“Sorry.”

“…..?”

Tae-young said it suddenly, catching Kang-woo off guard. Had he been too blunt? He looked at Tae-young uncertainly.

“You didn’t like it when I called you a pushover. Sorry for teasing you all the time. I won’t do it anymore.”

That threw Kang-woo completely off. Why was he suddenly being like this? So apologetic? It didn’t make sense.

“So… does that make it a little less uncomfortable?”

Tae-young smiled.

His features were sharp — a straight nose, lips that naturally tilted up — so even when he smiled, it could look like a smirk. But right now, it felt… gentle, almost kind. When their eyes met, Kang-woo panicked a little and looked away quickly.

And somehow, despite what Tae-young said, Kang-woo felt more uncomfortable than ever, so much so he couldn’t even meet his eyes. Tae-young kept looking at him, waiting for a response, but Kang-woo finally pried his hand off his shoulder. He could barely breathe; the air itself felt too heavy.

“Hey, seriously, I have to go…”

Kang-woo lowered his head, staring at his shoes, and trailed off. What am I even supposed to say next?  His thoughts spun out of control; his whole body felt chaotic, like everything inside was tumbling around.

See you next time? Saying that felt way too awkward — and besides, they probably wouldn’t even see each other again anytime soon.

“…Yeah, sure. See you next time. Take care.”

Tae-young said it first. The exact words Kang-woo had thought of but couldn’t say. That made him flustered all over again.

He remembered the few dry, awkward conversations they’d shared before, except for that one time when Seung-joon’s call had woken him while Tae-young was studying in his room. They’d never ended a talk like this. Maybe they had once? He couldn’t recall.

What’s up with him? Why’s he suddenly acting like this? Is that really Woo Tae-young?

Completely thrown off, Kang-woo turned away and quickly took out his phone, typing a message to Seung-joon as he walked. His heart was pounding so hard it made him mistype again and again.

[Hey did Woo Tae-young get struck by lightning or something during the volunteer trip???]

[What the hell are you talking about? You ran into him?]

[I think he went crazy.]

[What are you even saying?]

[He’s acting so weird.]

[You always say he’s weird out of nowhere. I’m in class, talk later.]

Kang-woo couldn’t calm his racing thoughts.