Expression of emotions - Chapter 3

12.

After his military discharge, Kang-woo had felt awkward about his short hair and usually wore a baseball cap to cover it. But today, he tried something different, he styled his hair with wax and actually paid attention to his appearance. Since the semester started, he’d only worn comfortable clothes, so dressing up neatly for the first time in a while felt a bit strange.

The weather was nice, and the Saturday afternoon blind date was off to a good start. The night before, he and the girl had exchanged a few messages to settle on a meeting place, and during that short chat, Kang-woo found her easy to talk to, maybe because they were the same age.

As they chatted about various things, the girl suddenly asked him when he last dated someone. Without meaning to, Kang-woo ended up telling her about his ex.

Was it okay to say all that on a first date…?

“…..”

No, that must’ve been wrong. It really shouldn’t have happened like that. Kang-woo hated the image of himself as a pitiful returning student due to what happened in the past, but even in today’s new encounter, he once again inevitably became the tragic male lead. Because of that, the moment he pathetically tried to hold on to his ex-girlfriend came back to him again, uninvited.

When will it be forgotten, this damn memory?

Kang-woo felt tormented once more. And in that moment, Tae-young, who had been watching it all, flashed into his mind again. Annoyance flared up. It was just a continuous string of infuriating memories.

But seriously, why the hell was he even there?

If the chance ever came, Kang-woo wanted to ask him that, just once. Though even if the opportunity did come, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to actually ask.

On the way home after the blind date, Kang-woo kept frowning as Tae-young kept popping into his head.

‘pushover’

‘Are you a bisexual?’

Tae-young’s sarcastic tone and mocking expression came to mind again. Kang-woo clenched his fist tightly. It was probably just pointless anger, but right now, if Tae-young were in front of him, he felt like he’d want to punch him. With that thought, Kang-woo headed home with a heavy step.

The blind date was a failure. At least, that’s what Kang-woo thought. So, without knowing that the woman was eagerly waiting for a follow-up date, he deleted her number. The truth was, when he actually met her, he lacked confidence. He thought, ‘What if I pour my heart and time into someone again, only for her to suddenly leave me for another guy?’ It was an experience he didn’t have the strength to go through again.

Kang-woo felt depressed, thinking that the immature experience he had at twenty still seemed to affect him. Sometimes he thought ‘maybe it’s just not the right time for me to meet someone’, but then he’d also feel wronged, wondering ‘why am I the only one still stuck like this’.

14.

Kang-woo made some friends in another general education class. They were members of the same group project. Now, when Seung-joon called him in the evening to ask if he was bored and wanted to hang out, Kang-woo could give him a real excuse instead of just a pretext. Because of that, Kang-woo didn’t have any time to meet Seung-joon until it was Friday, the day they had class together. Naturally, that meant there was no reason to see Tae-young either.

15.

During Friday’s general education class, as soon as Kang-woo entered the lecture hall, he spotted Tae-young, who had arrived early and already taken a seat. Seeing Taeyoung’s back, Kang-woo felt a bit conflicted. Sitting near Tae-young felt awkward, like he’d be the one initiating contact. But if he sat elsewhere, Seung-joon would probably show up later and ask why he chose to sit like that.

Kang-woo hovered briefly, staring at Tae-young’s upright posture from behind. But he couldn’t just keep standing there forever, so he slowly walked over and plopped down in the seat behind him. At the sound of someone arriving, Tae-young turned around and looked at Kang-woo, but Kang-woo turned his head slightly to the side, not meeting his gaze. There was no greeting between them.

“Did the blind date go well?”

While fiddling with his phone, as if texting someone, Tae-young suddenly turned around and asked Kang-woo. At the unexpected question, Kang-woo gave a look that said, Why are you asking about that now, of all times? If he was referring to the blind date from last week, then surely Tae-young had already heard all about it—namely, that it was a disaster—from Seung-joon.

So Kang-woo frowned. He was annoyed.

“Hey. Are we close or something?”

“Not really.”

“Then why are you asking?”

Kang-woo spoke sharply, bristling with irritation, but when Tae-young responded in that same laid-back tone again, Kang-woo immediately felt embarrassed.

“Just…”

“I was wondering if maybe… you realized something.”

“…Like, sexual orientation or something?”

Sh1t.

In the end, it was obvious he’d asked just to mess with him. With the corners of his mouth lifted in a sly grin, Tae-young’s face looked insufferably annoying. Realized what, exactly? I mean, seriously, what if I were bisexual, then what? Kang-woo closed his eyes tightly, feeling uncomfortable at Tae-young’s mocking expression. Then he stubbornly turned his head away.

He always thought this, but Kang-woo really didn’t want to be face-to-face with Tae-young. They barely even knew each other, and yet he kept worrying about what kind of thing Tae-young would say next to get under his skin. Tae-young’s very presence kept becoming a trigger that dragged up ‘that time’ that Kang-woo wanted so badly to forget.

“Hey. I don’t want to talk to gays, so don’t talk to me.”

“I told you, I’m seriously not.”

“I don’t care about your orientation or whatever, just don’t talk to me.”

As Kang-woo spoke, twitching slightly with irritation, Tae-young suddenly reached out toward Kang-woo’s face again.

“Wow. You’re really good at saying things in the most offensive way.”

With a serious look on his face, Tae-young pinched Kang-woo’s lips firmly between his thumb and index finger. Kang-woo was startled, his lips suddenly being grabbed caught him completely off guard. He stared at Tae-young in disbelief. What the hell—he’s touching my face again?

Soon, the pressure on his lips began to hurt, and Kang-woo grimaced as he roughly slapped Tae-young’s hand away.

“Are you insane!?”

At Kang-woo’s raised voice, the students seated nearby turned to look at them. Embarrassed by the sudden attention, Kang-woo quickly softened the glare in his eyes and awkwardly scratched the back of his head. Meanwhile, Tae-young calmly straightened his posture as if nothing had happened.

Kang-woo frowned at the neat back of Tae-young’s head. Earlier, when he had first entered the lecture hall and hesitated at the sight of Tae-young’s back, he had thought to himself that next time, he should arrive earlier than Tae-young and grab a seat first. But now, after what had just happened, he made up his mind. Unless Seung-joon got to class before him, even if he ended up being late, he would never sit near Tae-young again.

16.

But Seung-joon was the kind of guy who was always late. Being late was just normal for him.

Ah… should I just drop this class?

The more Kang-woo thought about it, the more ridiculous it felt. It was already exhausting enough having to worry about possibly running into his ex-girlfriend somewhere, and now he was wondering if he had to avoid this guy too.

……

……

No? Why should I?

I won’t.

Kang-woo kept drumming up and beating down these thoughts all by himself. He spent the entire class period that way.

17.

By the second week of the semester, Kang-woo had made school friends—not just acquaintances, but people he could even go out drinking with. Before, he had been full of worries about returning to school after a break, but gradually he began to find new enjoyment in his resumed campus life.

Seung-joon also seemed to be getting busier with evening plans and tough assignments, so he contacted Kang-woo less often. To be honest, Seung-joon had always been someone who had a lot on his plate, knew a lot of people, and, being an engineering major, was a very busy friend.

18.

On Tuesday evening, Kang-woo had drinks at a bar near campus with the group members whose schedules matched up. Out of the seven members in the group, five showed up. There was one guy and one girl who were in the same year as Kang-woo, and two older female students (noona) who were a year ahead.

At Kang-woo’s table, except for the male classmate who was the same year as him, they weren’t that close yet, so they kept the mood lively, asking each other questions and chatting, with a bit of polite pretense mixed in.

While they were talking and laughing, a group of four or five guys came into the empty table across from theirs. Kang-woo, absentmindedly, turned his head and glanced at the table across as they were sitting down. And then he spotted someone he hadn’t expected at all—Tae-young. Surprised, Kang-woo froze. When their eyes met, Tae-young looked just as surprised as Kang-woo’s.

Ah… meet again?

Kang-woo turned his head first with a bad expression.

And when he turned his gaze, he saw a girl of the same age sitting next to him, who kept glancing at the table across from him while talking. Kang-woo wondered why she was like that, so he looked at her, and the girl smiled and timidly gestured that there was a handsome man over there. At that, everyone turned their heads to where the girl was looking. Maybe because they all turned their heads at once, Tae-young’s group also looked this way.

When Kang-woo met Tae-young’s eyes again, the girl sitting next to Kang-woo exclaimed, “Oh my!” and slapped Kang-woo on the shoulder. The girl, maybe thinking that he and Tae-young had made eye contact, looked shy and flustered, and for some reason, Kang-woo suddenly choked and coughed incessantly. His face flushed. Fortunately, it was dark inside the store, so it wasn’t noticeable. Kang-woo didn’t raise his head and continued coughing. An awful feeling of embarrassment settled over him.

19.

After that, Kang-woo went back to chatting with his group members for a bit, then stood up and went to the bathroom.

While he was washing his hands after doing his business, Tae-young unexpectedly came into the bathroom. Kang-woo looked at Tae-young through the mirror above the sink, and when their eyes met, he quickly turned his head to the other side.

“Ignoring me, huh?”

“…And are we the kind of people who should be smiling and saying hello?”

At Kang-woo’s words, Tae-young gave a short, dry laugh, and Kang-woo, after looking at him for a moment again, wiped his wet hands on a paper towel.

Tae-young stood awkwardly and stared at Kang-woo, as if he hadn’t come to the bathroom to do his business in the first place. Kang-woo felt uncomfortable with that gaze. He was thinking about passing Tae-young and leaving the bathroom first,but after standing there in silence for a while, Tae-young turned around and left the restroom ahead of him.

It left Kang-woo feeling both dumbfounded and oddly unsettled, putting him in a bad mood. By now, just running into Tae-young at all seemed enough to make him sensitive.

When Kang-woo went back to his seat, it looked like Tae-young was sitting in the same spot as before, but strangely, his eyes kept meeting Tae-young’s, who was sitting across from him. It was getting on his nerves, so Kang-woo ended up switching seats with the noona who’d been sitting in front of him.