I'm Not A Master, I'm A Director (Type-Moon Fanfiction) - Chapter 10: Kotomine Kirei: Mapo Tofu is Awesome!

Upon hearing Shinji’s refusal, Kotomine Kirei didn’t let it go. He brought his face very close to Shinji’s, a smirk forming on his lips.

“Are you sure? I distinctly heard someone talking about Mapo Tofu.”

“Absolutely no one said anything!”

“You did mention wanting to eat, didn’t you?”

“In your eyes, is eating and Mapo Tofu synonymous?!”

“For me, they are.”

“Then go ahead and drown yourself in a pool of Mapo Tofu sauce!”

Due to the lighting, half of Kotomine Kirei’s face was in shadow, making him seem even more eerie in Shinji’s eyes.

“But didn’t you teach me this, Director?”

With a faint smile on his face, Kotomine Kirei somehow produced a plate of Mapo Tofu and offered it to Shinji.

What was even more peculiar was that, judging by the steaming heat and the tofu emitting “gurgling” sounds, Shinji deduced that this plate of tofu was freshly cooked.

“Come on, Director. It’s mealtime.”

“Thanks, but I’m not hungry.”

As Shinji desperately tried to push the plate away, he glanced at the others, hoping that Shirou and the rest wouldn’t keep observing but would quickly come to his rescue.

And then, Shinji only saw an empty table and artificial gemstones scattered across it.

“Darn it! They all ran away!”

Shinji finally noticed that Shirou, Rin, and Illya were all waving to him from the doorway.

“You traitors!!”

Before Shinji could even open his mouth, Kotomine Kirei took the opportunity to shove a spoonful of Mapo Tofu into his mouth.

“Sp-spicy!!”

The prop room was filled with Shinji’s choked exclamations.

Ten minutes later.

After downing his fifth glass of cold water, Shinji let out a long sigh.

“Whew~ I thought I was gonna die.”

As he fanned his mouth with his hand, Shinji muttered.

“Apologies, Master.”

Arturia, holding a glass of water, averted her eyes with embarrassment. Her face was full of guilt. “Everything else might be fine, but the mashed potatoes made by Kojirō… and this Mapo Tofu…”

“Onii-sama, aren’t you a fan of Chinese cuisine?”

Sakura lightly patted Shinji’s back while teasing her brother softly.

Shinji pounded the table in retort. “I don’t admit that this is authentic Chinese cuisine! Traditional Chinese cuisine is about having color, aroma, and flavor. This thing only has spiciness and nothing else!”

Knowing that he had reincarnated into the Type-Moon world and not a culinary world, Shinji never expected to eat an exquisite Mapo Tofu. But the Mapo Tofu given by Kotomine Kirei couldn’t even be considered food.

Honestly, Shinji strongly suspected that Kotomine Kirei’s taste buds were completely ruined for him to enjoy such a stimulating dish.

“Feels like I just ate molten lava.”

Shinji continued fanning his tongue with his hand as he complained.

Sakura chuckled, “You brought this upon yourself. If Onii-sama wasn’t so clever, how could Uncle Kotomine have done this?”

“…”

Shinji thought his sister’s point was reasonable and found himself unsure how to argue.

Not having participated in the Holy Grail War, and being a Kotomine without the influence of Gilgamesh, Kotomine Kirei was nothing more than a recluse.

When he first joined the production crew, he was hardly expressive and could at least be classified as a standard cipher.

Entering the scene with his father’s request, Kirei’s gaze was full of confusion. He shouldn’t have played the big boss of FSN, but rather a duo in the FZ opening.

“So, Director Kotomine. What exactly is ‘pleasure’?”

After a certain cut, Kotomine Kirei somewhat vexedly asked Shinji this question.

“Pleasure is making yourself happy, I guess.”

“Happy?”

Hearing Shinji’s answer, Kotomine Kirei was even more puzzled.

“Father Kotomine, is there something you like?”

“… I like eating Mapo Tofu. Are you suggesting I imagine eating Mapo Tofu to perform?”

“Hmm… it seems a bit different from the ‘pleasure’ mentioned in the script… Then, if other people started to like Mapo Tofu because of your recommendation, would you feel happy?”

“… I don’t know.”

“Shall we give it a try then?”

And the result of trying was disastrous.

The Mapo Tofu Kotomine Kirei brought out was so spicy that not even the big eater, Arturia, could tolerate it.

However, this experiment wasn’t entirely fruitless.

Watching the entire crew members being tormented by the tofu’s spiciness, Kotomine Kirei felt an indescribable sense of joy and satisfaction within him.

And thus, the joyful Mapo priest was born.

From then on, the production crew gained a priestly actor who enjoyed forcing others to eat Mapo Tofu.

But this is… so much scarier than the demon king!

“Ah.”

As Shinji finished reminiscing, he lightly slapped his own palm.

“So, it’s all my fault.”

Smack

Shinji’s head was slapped by Rin.

Rin huffed at Shinji and complained, “Don’t tell me you don’t understand what you’ve done!! Now people feel scared when they see Kirei, afraid that he’ll pull out Mapo Tofu and shove it into their mouths!”

“Be content, at least he’s stuffing Mapo Tofu and not the Black Mud of the Holy Grail.” Shinji rolled his eyes.

“What the heck is that!”

“Tsk, I should have stuck to the original script.” Rin crossed her arms with slight impatience.

In Shinji’s earliest script, there was no character named “Kirei Kotomine,” and Kirei himself wasn’t part of Shinji’s invitation.

The reason was simple: If Shinji had really written the original Kirei into the script, he would have basically declared in front of Risei that his son was a combination of a murderer, a huge pervert, and a tax evader.

In case he gave the old man a heart attack or raised his intracranial pressure, Shinji might end up being executed by Rin and Shirou a hundred times in the woods.

As mentioned before, Shinji and his peers grew up together. During that time, the one taking care of these kids was the previous priest of the Fuyuki Church, Risei Kotomine.

Shinji wouldn’t commit such cruel actions towards the elderly who had genuinely taken care of him.

Therefore, in the initial plan of the script, Shinji portrayed the “Kirei Kotomine” from the original work as an observer affiliated with the Mage’s Association, unrelated to the Church.

Apart from retaining his role as a major antagonist, there was no trace of Kirei in Shinji’s initial script. Even his abilities and name were borrowed from a Clock Tower magus that Shinji had a hard time getting along with.

For this reason, Shinji had to rewrite the story of Fate/stay night multiple times to ensure the logical consistency of the entire narrative.

“We should’ve stuck to the original script from the beginning. Why did we end up with that fake priest in the end?”

Watching Kirei attempting to recommend Mapo Tofu to Illya in the distance, Rin pouted unhappily.

Though their growing environments were vastly different, it seemed that disliking the Mapo priest was in Rin’s nature.

“You should ask Risei Jii-san why he agreed to it.” Shinji shrugged. “Or you could ask your dad.”

Kirei joining the production crew was entirely their suggestion.

Just a few days before filming began, Shinji went to the Tohsaka family to finalize shooting arrangements with Tokiomi and “coincidentally” met Risei, the old man.

Coincidentally, Tokiomi “happened to” mention Shinji’s plan of expanding magus influence through film and television works to Risei.

Then, “coincidentally,” the old man proposed that his son, Kirei, had a lot of free time after taking over as the priest of the Fuyuki Church and hoped Shinji would give him a role, considering their families’ relationship.

While Shinji’s combined age from both lifetimes didn’t even reach 40, far from being an old fox, he could clearly tell the scheming between Tokiomi and Risei.

In other words, based on his understanding of Shinji, Risei judged that Shinji had a decent chance of succeeding. Moreover, the old man believed that Shinji’s success could bring benefits to magi as well.

Risei, who thought the Church could also gain some advantages, wanted to join Shinji’s plan. So, he took the initiative to involve Tokiomi and set up this scenario for Shinji.

But Risei was daring enough. After Shinji said that the main cast had already been confirmed, he even proposed having Kirei play the role of the supervisor from the Mage’s Association.

“Shinji, don’t worry about how I feel. Just write Kirei into the script according to its requirements.”

Recalling Risei’s confident and magnanimous appearance back then, Shinji felt a stomach ache.

So, what was he spending three days and nights rewriting the script for?

“Alright, let’s leave it at that.” Shinji patted his rear, stood up, and said, “Hurry up and infuse the remaining artificial gemstones with magic. We need them for the afternoon shoot.”

Although he was somewhat worried about Kirei’s tofu-selling endeavors, Shinji wasn’t planning to change actors. Since Kirei became addicted to selling tofu, he seemed to have unlocked something extraordinary in his performance as the joyful priest.

As for the tofu-selling matter, Shinji thought he just needed to be careful and avoid getting ensnared… probably?

The afternoon shoot was focused on action scenes, and it was the crucial final battle at Ryuudou Temple.

As mentioned before, action scenes are the backbone of commercial films. To achieve the best effect, Shinji put in extra effort for this part. He even requested several actors to rehearse the action scenes beforehand and predetermined positions for certain moves.

However, the results of the rehearsal didn’t meet Shinji’s expectations.

“Cut. Hey, hey, you over there! Could you put a little more effort into this!! This is a very important rehearsal, you know!”

With the director’s baton in hand, Shinji shouted loudly at a certain glimmering figure.

“Huh? What did you say?”

On the set, Gilgamesh casually flicked his pinkie against his ear and responded disdainfully.