[H] In The Swamp - Chapter 3

In the July finals, I ranked second in my year. But it still wasn’t enough. My father’s next instruction was for me to take summer classes, and on top of that, I had a mountain of summer homework. I was about to lose my mind. All my frustration ended up being directed at my brother. One night, while our father was away on a business trip, leaving just the two of us, I mercilessly took out my anger on him. Afterward, my brother spoke.

“Kohaku… you’re suffering… because of me… I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.”

I’m the one who should feel pity, not the one being pitied.

I strangled my brother. He didn’t resist at all, so it wasn’t funny at all.

“Ha… ha… ha…”

As I let him go, he gasped desperately for air. Watching him struggle for oxygen drained any urge to do more. I rested my head on his shoulder, biting my lower lip.

“If I had just done things right… you wouldn’t have to suffer like this…”

“I wonder about that. You messed up, and that’s why I was born. No matter what, I would’ve ended up like this.”

“When you were born… I was happy. After Mom died, I swore I’d protect you, but despite that…”

He started crying again. He’s turning thirty next year, but emotionally, he’s still stuck as a child. My brother really is pitiful.

“You probably don’t remember, Kohaku. But when you learned to walk, I took you to the park every day.”

“Hmm.”

“There was even a time when I was mistaken for a pervert. I didn’t look like your father, and even though we’re brothers, the age gap was so big.”

“…Pff.”

He finally shared a story that made me laugh.

“So? What happened?”

“Well… I had no proof that I was raising you, so I ended up explaining in detail how I handled baby food and stuff like that. The person accusing me was an older lady, by the way. In the end, I showed her our matching moles—the ones under our eyes—and she finally believed me.”

I reached out and touched the area under his right eye.

“I am… related to you by blood, aren’t I?”

“Yeah… which is why… we shouldn’t be doing this. We really shouldn’t.”

“It’s too late now. By the way, how should I go about stretching you out more? Should I use one of those weird things you have?”

“Huh…?”

Even though I couldn’t see his face, I could clearly sense his reaction as he pulled away in shock. Of course, he would. Even I knew what I was about to say was twisted.

“You took my virginity, didn’t you? It’s only fair if I take yours too.”

“What kind of logic is that…?”

“My logic.”

My brother was in charge of shopping, and he had free use of our father’s credit card. Dad never seemed to check the statements, so my brother was able to secretly buy whatever he wanted. I made him add my stuff to the list, too.

“Kohaku, you don’t have to force yourself.”

“I want to, so I will. Come on, let’s sleep together tonight. Don’t you dare fall asleep before me.”

My brother stroked my hair and resumed telling me stories from when I was younger. He talked about how, when I was a baby, I never cried during vaccinations, but once I got older and started understanding things, I’d resist going to the hospital, making it a hassle to calm me down. He also reminisced about how I was obsessed with trains, how I’d stand at the train crossing watching them pass, and how I cried when he tried to drag me home.

As I listened to these mundane and silly memories of our time as brothers, I drifted off to sleep. When I woke up, the morning sun illuminated the tear-shaped mole under my brother’s eye, and I gently placed my finger on it.

—My brother belongs to me. I’m never letting him go. I’ll tie him down for life.

I stared at my brother’s sleeping face, as if I could burn a hole through it, and then I realized that we’d never kissed before. When I brought my lips closer, maybe out of reflex, he turned his face away, so I grabbed his chin and forced it.

“…Kohaku?”

I twisted my tongue inside to stir and get my brother’s attention, who was probably still half-asleep. Some random knowledge about the bacteria in a person’s mouth right after waking up flashed through my mind, but that kind of thing no longer mattered between me and my brother.

“Mm… mmph…”

I kept pushing my brother further and further, and before we knew it, we ended up doing it first thing in the morning. Time passed, and soon it was time for summer classes, but I had already lost the will to go.

When my brother started gathering his clothes, saying he was going to the convenience store, I spoke up.

“I’m coming too.”

“Huh? No, I want to go by myself.”

“Why? Even now, you’re still trying to hide something?”

“That’s… well…”

It was cigarettes. Apparently, my brother had started smoking recently and would sneak a smoke behind the convenience store. I followed him and snatched the cigarette he’d put to his lips, taking a drag myself.

“Cough… cough, cough!”

“Ah, Kohaku, stop it. If we get caught, I’ll be in trouble too.”

That was the beginning. From that day on, I only attended summer classes on a whim, focusing more on my brother. I started letting him stretch me out too. Occasionally, we’d go to the convenience store, and he’d let me take a single puff, but each time, my brother had this look on his face as if he’d given up on everything.

Without doing a single thing that felt like summer, the vacation ended, and the second term began.