Irreversible Sadism (GL) - Chapter 10

I stared at the fingertips resting near my navel, feeling a wave of confusion wash over me.

Stabbing with a mechanical pencil, or choking someone—compared to what I had done before, these actions still seemed to fall within the realm of normalcy. Perhaps they were a bit better than leaving scars on Tateha’s body.

I was only anxious that my own measuring scale for what was acceptable had long since broken.

Slowly, I knelt down and placed my hands on the floor, inching closer to Tateha. Leaning against the bedpost, Tateha lifted his shirt, gazing at me with glistening eyes. Did he understand how much his wavering gaze could confuse a person?

“Ah.”

When I tentatively touched Tateha’s abdomen, his body trembled with a delicate voice.

“I’m sorry, was it cold?”

My basal body temperature isn’t particularly high, and my extremities are always cold. Who started the rumor that cold hands indicate a warm heart? I suspect it was someone who, being both cold-hearted and cold-handed, wanted to believe they still had the potential to be kind to someone.

“Is this okay? Around the navel?”

“Maybe a bit higher. Around the solar plexus.”

Tateha’s skin was smooth and moist, like a baby’s. As I placed my hand on his solar plexus, my fingers brushed against the blue underwear peeking out from below, and a strange sweat began to form.

To apply pressure, I had no choice but to lean my body closer. Watching Tateha’s brows furrow in confusion up close, I slowly pressed against the ribs that met my fingers.

Thump, thump. The sound of his heart, timidly beating, transmitted through my palm. It was a gentle rhythm. Feeling that mysterious pulse, reminiscent of the small miracle of life sprouting, for some reason, my own heart seemed to chase after that sound.

Whenever Tateha shifted slightly, I followed suit, adjusting my feet. It felt as if our hearts were connected.

“Ruri-chan, what’s wrong?”

“Huh?”

“Aren’t you going to push?”

I was about to respond that I was indeed pushing, but a jarring shock coursed through my head, as if I had been struck by a brick.

What was I misunderstanding?

I thought we were about to deepen our bond through a very warm, human experience. I imagined touching each other’s skin, becoming aware of our heartbeats and breaths, deepening our understanding. I believed that an embarrassing, ticklish time, one that made me want to turn off the lights, was about to begin.

But it was different.

I was a sinner, and the Tateha in front of me was someone I would have to atone to for the rest of my life.

What was about to happen was a continuation of that day.

I had to twist Tateha’s face into a grimace of pain.

“Ah…!”

I pressed down, applying weight to my palm. Tateha’s abdomen began to change shape beneath my hand.

I could distinctly feel the organs, bones, and flesh shifting under my palm. With each firm push, Tateha’s body jolted. Drool spilled from his mouth, and his tongue, reaching for the ceiling, peeked out between his teeth.

“Ku, i… a, ah…!”

Tateha gripped my hand tightly.

As his tear-filled eyes reflected me, I instinctively loosened my grip.

Then, Tateha looked at me with a bewildered expression, his mouth still drooling, forming a round shape.

“Ah, huh? Ruri-chan?”

Confusion and anxiety struck my ears like a bell.

“Are you not going to do it?”

That’s right, don’t try to be happy. I’m a hopeless person.

Don’t get the wrong idea. I can’t have a healthy relationship with Tateha.

Do murderers in prison ever indulge in such sentiments? Do they sometimes dream of distant hopes, feeling like they might cry?

If they do, people would surely say it loudly.

Don’t be ridiculous. You’re a monster.

“…Ah, ha… ka…!”

Tateha’s neck, which always tilted like a little bird, arched back as if he had lost consciousness.

His eyes, gazing up like a puppy, rolled back, revealing the whites.

His delicate voice, like a bell, now groaned like a beast, craving oxygen.

This is fine, this is.

While pressing on Tateha’s abdomen, I used my free hand to choke him.

Surprised, Tateha seemed to call my name for a moment. But that too was stifled along with the air.

I pressed him down onto the bed, tightening my grip around his neck while my knee pressed against his abdomen. Perhaps this was more painful for him; Tateha thrashed his legs repeatedly.

My head began to feel fuzzy.

Yet my consciousness remained sharp, my thoughts clear. Only my sense of self felt unstable, as if the ground beneath me was shaking. I was still me, but it felt as if another version of myself had emerged, issuing commands to my body.

My face was hot. My breath became ragged.

My eyes felt dry and painful. I suddenly remembered that I had forgotten to blink.

I licked my lips to moisten them, but I made sure not to loosen my grip.

—So, Ruri-chan, what kind of music do you like? If you don’t mind, I’d love to hear it.

“Ah, cough! Cough! Ha, ha…!”

Before I knew it, I had released my hand.

The clarity of my consciousness, which had been startlingly vivid just moments ago, now blurred like a lantern. My thoughts, as if just emerging from sleep, began to drift, and I slowly grasped the current situation.

“Cough, ugh…!”

Tateha mixed a retching sound into his cough. He placed a hand on his neck, drooling onto the floor.

“Are you okay!? Tateha!”

I had definitely gone too far. The sensation of crushing Tateha’s neck and abdomen still lingered vividly in my hands, and I rushed over in a panic.

Tateha still seemed unable to speak, breathing exaggeratedly as his shoulders rose and fell.

“I’m sorry…!”

This was no longer just a game.

I couldn’t excuse it by saying Tateha had asked me to.

When I stabbed Tateha’s eye with a mechanical pencil, it had never been intentional. So if… I were to choke him now and accidentally kill him, I would use the same excuse.

It wasn’t intentional; he asked me to.

Imagining myself whispering such things in a prison cell made my bl00d run cold.

Tateha gradually began to regulate his breathing. Finally able to speak, he called my name in a small voice.

“Ruri-chan, today… was really great.”

His eyes melted with heat, and his lips trembled with joy.

With a dreamy expression, Tateha repeatedly stroked his abdomen and neck.

“I could really feel your relentless intent to kill me. I’m still racing with excitement. What should I do… I’m so happy.”

A cooling sheet peeled away from his sweaty forehead. Yet, without a glance, Tateha began to take off his pants.

“This time, I need, um, oh right. A lighter. I saw one in the living room, so I’ll go get it. I want you to burn the old wound; it’s still there.”

“Ah, w-wait!”

I hurriedly called out to Tateha, who was rushing to the door like a child excited for a friend’s visit.

“Let’s stop for today.”

“Why?”

“Tateha, you have a cold, right? When you’re not feeling well, we should hold off on things like this.”

Tateha paused in front of the door.

He was only wearing one sock. Had it slipped off during our earlier antics?

“Hmm.”

His voice was sharp and hard, like a rock, yet devoid of warmth, dropping heavily into the room.

It felt as if the ground trembled under the weight of his low voice.

“I understand, Ruri-chan. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to push it while recovering.”

“Yeah. Tateha, your face is red, so you should take it easy today.”

Tateha seemed to accept this, nodding obediently before glancing at the clock on the wall.

“Ruri-chan, you’re going home now, right?”

“Huh?”

“Well, I mean, we’ve finished what we were doing.”

From this angle, I could only see the right half of Tateha’s expression. Perhaps that was why his unmoving right eye stared intently at the corners of the room. Then, Tateha turned to look at me, and I realized he had been watching me with his left eye.

“Yeah, I’m going home now.”

“Then I’ll walk you to the entrance!”

He grabbed his bag and left the room. The hallway was chilly, devoid of the soapy scent that lingered in Tateha’s room, and it held none of the warmth of human life.

As we descended the stairs, we encountered no small items or furniture.

“Tateha, you said your mom hardly comes home, but what do you do for dinner?”

“I have a lot of side dishes and convenience store bento in the fridge, so I eat those. My mom sometimes comes home late at night. There’s water, and she gives me just enough allowance every month.”

I felt relieved that it wasn’t a case of neglect, but the nagging feeling in my heart remained.

“Don’t you ever crave homemade food?”

“Huh? Um, I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it.”

“Convenience store bento has a lot of salt and preservatives, so you should eat homemade meals sometimes.”

“Is that so? But my mom is probably busy.”

I changed my shoes at the entrance. All that was left was to open the door, and I would be of no use anymore.

Tateha accepted me like this because I fulfilled his desire for pain.

And yet, I was.

“Let’s, um, go make some!”

I was trying to forge a relationship beyond that.

Like trying to force a twisted wire straight.

“I can make simple things like curry and stuff. So, um, maybe I’ll come again tomorrow.”

The ball I tossed, arcing through the air, lost momentum and fell limply to the ground.

Tateha tilted his head again, almost as if his ear were about to touch his shoulder, and then he smiled, as if it were his signature move.

“Is that okay? I’m so happy! Then I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow.”

Deep within his eyes, something different from mine was visible. I knew that, yet I couldn’t help but look in another direction as well.

“Well then, see you again.”

“Yeah. Bye-bye, Ruri-chan.”

I waved back at Tateha.

With the very hand that had just been choking her.

As I received the large raindrops with my umbrella, I began my journey home.

In the puddle-filled road, a frog lay squashed.

Where on earth am I headed?