Irreversible Sadism (GL) - Chapter 15

A sharp gaze reminiscent of a bird of prey flickered back and forth between me and Tateha.

“No, this is—”

My mouth moved before my brain could sort itself out, leaving me at a loss for words. I rummaged through the drawers of my mind for the most effective explanation, but every shelf was empty.

As I released Tateha’s hand, the desperate breaths craving oxygen echoed lonely in the classroom. The mix of sobs and coughs vividly illustrated the current situation more than anything else.

The earring in my hand, bl00d seeping into my ears. Asami tightened her lips, and even the air seemed to become taut with sophistication.

With each step Asami took towards me, my heart leapt.

It would be discovered. It would be over. I felt a sensation in my chest as if my heartbeat had stopped for a moment, and while my body remained still, my thoughts grew clearer, insisting that I had to conceal this somehow.

To erase a person’s consciousness, their recognition, there was no choice but to kill them. I began to understand, in a vague way, why a sinner would continue to pile sin upon sin.

My right hand tensed. It was unconscious.

“Asami.”

The tremor in my voice felt foreign.

And then I became terrified.

If what I held in my right hand had been a knife instead of an earring, what would I be doing now?

“No, explanations later. We need to prioritize Tateha’s treatment.”

Asami turned her back to me and rushed to Tateha, who was crouched down, pressing her hands against her ears.

If I were someone who could easily kill, I might have already been dead. Asami was far too unguarded.

“Tateha, I’m calling an ambulance now.”

No, that’s not it. Asami prioritized helping Tateha over the crisis she was in. Someone like Asami could indeed protect someone else with her own body.

That was goodness, that was justice. Then, what was I?

Not hypocrisy, but driven by an intangible logic and fate.

“No, it’s fine, Asami-chan. Thank you.”

Tateha managed a half-formed smile and stopped Asami, who was trying to call an ambulance with her smartphone.

“But you’re bleeding.”

“It’s already stopped. I just didn’t know how to take out the earring, so Ruri-chan helped me. But I slipped and it tore off.”

“Tore off, you say…”

“Right, Ruri-chan?”

The ringing in my ears was intense. I could smell bl00d deep in my nose.

I should have been suffering from a headache and dizziness, yet I was acutely aware of my wide-open eyes. In this low-saturation consciousness, my thoughts were still desperately searching for a way to navigate this situation.

“Yeah, that’s right.”

I felt a wave of relief.

But that sigh of relief contained no shining goodwill.

What was present was only a certain self-preservation.

When I had stabbed Tateha in the eye with a mechanical pencil, I was surely thinking about such things. I never once worried about Tateha bleeding from her eye; I was only sweating coldly, anxious about what would come next.

I thought I had changed.

I had come this far wanting to be a good person, different from the person I was that day.

—That’s called irreversibility.

I cannot change.

A person, the essence of a person, does not change no matter how many years pass or how hard they struggle.

“So don’t worry, Asami-chan. I’ll get some gauze from the nurse’s office and come back.”

“If you’re okay with that, then it’s fine. But are you really okay?”

“I told you, I’m fine. I’m sorry, Ruri-chan, it’s all my clumsiness. You were surprised, right?”

“Uh, yeah, I was surprised. Tateha suddenly slipped and fell.”

Tateha’s laughter was mixed with a cackle. It was my laughter.

Asami glanced at Tateha before heading back to her seat and pulling a water bottle from her bag.

“Open your—”

Asami frowned as if faced with a difficult problem, searching for an answer. I knew she wasn’t bad at thinking, even if she struggled with studying. What kind of reflection did her clear eyes hold of me?

A good friend as always? Or…?

“No, we’re starting with the cheer battle in the afternoon, so don’t be late. You’re on the sports festival committee, after all.”

“I know. I’m going.”

My voice had already regained its usual tone. I didn’t even understand why I was so good at pretending to be calm.

I wasn’t particularly good at lying. But I was skilled at deceiving, manipulating my thoughts, personality, and behavior. I suddenly thought of a word shaped in katakana that could mock such a person, but it quickly faded away like a wave.

The closing ceremony of the sports festival ended, and we began to clear away the chairs that had been set out on the field.

Once that was done, we would disperse, and our class was buzzing with talk of the after-party.

“Miyama-san is coming too, right? I mean, I want her to come!”

“Of course! Oh, I know a great karaoke box, let’s go there! It’s super cheap!”

We quickly discussed plans to meet up in front of the station after going home. I was good at making plans and preparations. It was something I had always done.

I was the central figure, a leader who organized the group. That hadn’t changed since elementary school. That’s why everyone relied on me and called on me whenever something came up.

I often listened to the worries of those who were troubled. What came out of my mouth wasn’t nonsense but rather praiseworthy sophistry and beautiful tales. Those words were a reflection of the sins I had committed in the past.

Everyone has their own thoughts. There are likes and dislikes. But you shouldn’t speak ill of others. That malice will only grow. So let’s try to understand each other. If that doesn’t work, then give up. Yes, the worst thing you can do is hurt someone.

“Hey, Tateha.”

While my classmates rushed home for the after-party, Tateha remained alone in the classroom until the end. It wasn’t that she was being excluded; she had simply been forgotten in the invitation.

“Let’s go to the after-party?”

“Is it okay? I wasn’t invited.”

“Everyone just assumed you were invited. Of course, I want you to come, Tateha.”

People should be like this. They should live like this.

My voice, shaped by such ideals, fell to the ground like a counterfeit.

“Yeah, thank you, Ruri-chan.”

The gauze wrapped around her ear was faintly stained red.

“You should change that soon.”

“Huh?”

“Because it’s bleeding.”

If you leave it like that, someone will ask, “What happened?”

So please, change the gauze. It’ll get found out.

For the sake of my goal, I didn’t mind taking the long way around. I could take my time. Like a hyena circling around a weakened fawn, I waited patiently for that moment.

I was scared of myself.

Sometimes, my personality or thoughts would detach from my body and steer in a completely unintended direction. It had always been like that when I bullied Tateha.

From elementary school to high school, I had met many people.

People have compatibility; likes and dislikes vary greatly, and that can create rifts. That’s a common sight, a path everyone walks.

But bullying someone just because you don’t like them isn’t a common sight. Everyone endures interactions with those they don’t like or find difficult.

Someone like me is just a small part of humanity.

The bullies and the non-bullies. Why do they separate?

It’s probably because there are people who don’t care about hurting others, who blend into the group with a certain probability. And I was one of the bullies.

What kind of person were those who were reported in the news for hurting someone and getting arrested when they were young? If statistics were taken, it would probably be easy to categorize them.

Today, when Asami found me, I was contemplating how to gain the power to harm someone with what I held in my right hand.

Would a detached part of me eventually hurt someone I cared about?

Would I someday… kill someone?

Because I have that potential.

Thinking about it made my eyes ache as if they were being tightly squeezed.

“T-Tateha!”

I grabbed the arm of Tateha, who was shouldering her bag and about to go home.

Tateha tilted her head in confusion, peering into my face.

“What’s wrong, Ruri-chan?”

Her eyes, filled with expectation, were bloodshot as she imagined what was about to happen.

The bl00d that wasn’t circulating was only in my right eye, the one I had killed.

That’s right, I had already killed.

Then, is it already impossible? Is it impossible for me to return to being a normal person?

—If it’s to help atone for my sins, I’ll do it.

Asami’s words weighed heavily on me, threatening to crush me. My warped sense of ethics felt like it was being straightened and aligned, making me want to bite my tongue.

That’s right, I want to atone for my sins.

Wanting to change is my selfishness. I just want to justify myself, and I’m not thinking about Tateha at all. In truth, before worrying about myself, I should have rushed to Tateha and offered my hand, just like Asami did.

“I want to stop.”

Tateha’s once-bright eyes clouded over as if wiping away mud. A low voice occasionally escaped her lips through the gaps.

“Why?”

“I feel like this isn’t right. If it continues like this… someday, I might kill Tateha.”

Stabbing her thigh, choking her, tearing her ear off.

Then what after that?

It was also true that I had stopped questioning my escalating actions, and the criteria for what was safe had become ambiguous.

There was no need to think about where it would lead. I might someday casually slit Tateha’s throat.

“So, let’s stop this already…”

“Even if I ask, you won’t do it, Ruri-chan?”

“I understand that Tateha likes pain or wants memories and all that. But if we’re making memories, it doesn’t have to be painful.”

“That’s impossible. Not now.”

“It’s not impossible, absolutely not. It’s not impossible.”

“Then… is it okay?”

Tateha wore a mischievous smile. I felt like I could see her white fangs.

“I might tell everyone Ruri-chan’s secret, you know? You managed to avoid being found out today.”

We might not be able to return to our previous relationship.

The way she looked at me might change from now on.

“If that happens, Ruri-chan might not be invited to the after-party anymore. You’ll lose everyone’s trust and live being looked at with contempt, unable to enjoy school life… and end up going back to that shrine, being swarmed by flies, living alone in silence.”

Atoning for sins is surely not about hiding past sins.

It’s about facing those sins and cleansing them. The only way for me to become innocent is to scrub away the ingrained dirt every single day, like cleaning tiles.

Don’t think about self-preservation.

I’m tired, it’s painful. That’s only natural.

Keep scrubbing. Believe that the dirt will come off and eventually shine white.

“Okay.”

I have the potential to kill. That’s why I can easily bully others. Even when I see faces twisted in pain, no guilt arises. That’s just how my brain is wired.

“You can say it.”

“…Ruri-chan, everything you’ve worked so hard to build will crumble, you know? Is that still okay?”

I’m probably the same kind of person as those who are seen on TV, being restrained by the police and going insane. But it’s also true that I found their appearance ugly.

I absolutely don’t want to end up like that.

“I won’t hurt Tateha anymore. I’ll stop all the painful and distressing things, no matter how much Tateha asks me.”

“Even if you do that, you won’t change. Ruri-chan, look at this right eye. You crushed it. You killed it. It’s impossible to change now. Ruri-chan is the kind of person who can do this kind of thing. You’re the only one who can do it.”

I shook my head.

“I won’t.”

Tateha’s eyes rippled like they were hit by waves.

My heart felt like it was about to break from the confusion and longing spreading across the water’s surface.

“So, you can do whatever you want. You can tell everything about me.”

I want to be a person who can empathize, not just resonate with others’ pain.

I want to be someone who can control my own suffering, conflicts, and the accompanying anger and destructive impulses.

I want to change.

“I’ll carry my past and move forward.”

I sprinkle the sophistries and pretty words I’ve made others listen to as a curse upon myself.

Tateha, with disappointment glimmering in her eyes, simply said “I see,” before turning her back to me and disappearing down the hallway.