Irreversible Sadism (GL) - Chapter 17

“Look, Ruri, you forgot your lunch.”

As I was changing my shoes at the entrance, my mother came out from the living room, still in her apron.

“You were so eager to make it yesterday. If you forget it, all that effort goes to waste, right?”

“Oh no, I totally spaced out! Thanks!”

Recently, I had started cooking for myself. Part of it was to make lunch for Tateha, but gradually, I found joy in cooking itself and began helping my mother while learning from her.

When I expressed my desire to learn how to cook for someone, my mother was the one who was happiest. Ever since she found out about my bullying Tateha, she had stopped smiling as much, but lately, her expression seemed to have softened considerably.

At that time, our household was quite chaotic. After I had injured Tateha’s right eye, my mother repeatedly went to apologize to Tateha’s family, which left her utterly exhausted. My father, as part of his discipline, began to resort to violence against me, and I was so crushed by the weight of what I had done that there were times I could barely speak.

But now, those shadows have vanished.

My father apologized for his violent behavior. Since then, he has become excessively overprotective. There were mornings when I found it bothersome when he would check on my health and well-being, but perhaps that was just a sign of his love.

Above all, I must be grateful to my mother.

She allowed me to be selfish and pursue my wish to attend a middle school where no one knew me. When I told her about my fulfilling school life, becoming a class representative and joining the cheerleading squad, she smiled with relief.

Whenever I seemed troubled or down, my mother would call me over and give me a tight hug. She had always been a kind person. Above all, she hated violence and barbarism, often shedding tears at sad news.

Thinking that I, her daughter, had been violent towards someone makes me feel crushed with guilt. I started to hate myself, even wondering if it would be better if I were dead.

Yet, every time my mother hugged me, I felt a renewed determination to keep going.

“Take care.”

This morning, for reasons unknown, my mother hugged me again.

“You’ll be fine.”

Perhaps in her eyes, the image of that day still lingers. The daughter of the bully who injured a classmate’s right eye. That daughter has now become someone who makes lunch for her friends.

How many times have I been saved by this warmth?

The warmth of another person can dissolve problems that seem insurmountable on your own.

I want to become someone who can save others like this someday.

“Well then, I’m off!”

I heard my father’s voice from the living room, telling me to be careful. With my mother’s encouragement at my back, I left the house.

I had gotten quite used to rolling up the sleeves of my summer uniform. The weight on my shoulders, different from that of a blazer, brought a sense of loneliness and anxiety rather than liberation. Perhaps it was because I became sensitive to the sharp things I passed by, knowing that there was nothing to protect my upper arms.

Still, it was hot enough today that I wanted to roll up my sleeves.

Having a seat by the hallway didn’t help either. Even when I fanned myself with my notebook, the lukewarm air merely brushed my cheeks without changing the temperature I felt. In fact, my tired wrists seemed to bring even more lethargy.

During class transitions, everyone walked down the hallway like zombies. Some boys walked around in T-shirts after taking off their blouses, but they would soon be reprimanded by the teachers, so their days were numbered. Patience, patience… I desperately suppressed the urge to unfasten the ribbon on my blouse.

“Isn’t it strange that humans weren’t born recently, yet we still feel hot?”

Kururu, walking beside me, had good posture, her back straight. She had beads of sweat on her neck but seemed unconcerned. The ends of her hair bounced like a cat’s as she walked.

“Since humans were born into an already existing environment, they should have adapted to it. God must have slacked off. It’s ridiculous to complain about the heat and cold depending on the season.”

“Maybe it’s because of the heat and cold that we can live? There are flowers that only bloom in the heat, after all.”

“Then it’s fine for humans to not move when it’s hot.”

Kururu turned to face the opposite direction of our class transition, speaking cheerfully.

“Is that slacking off?”

“I’m not a sunflower.”

I could sense the hatred for the heat hidden behind her expressionless facade, and it resonated with me. But as I said, “I’m on probation,” and continued walking, I heard a sigh and footsteps behind me.

“Then I’ll help.”

“Help with what?”

“Helping you become a sunflower.”

That would mean I could only be active in summer, but is that really okay? I preferred winter over summer. The piercing cold when I woke up in the morning and the chill that crept up from the cold hallway to the soles of my feet. Those moments, like washing my face while rubbing my sleepy eyes in the morning, had surprisingly become good memories.

“Thanks, Kururu.”

“You’re welcome.”

Even though I hadn’t mentioned the details yet, Kururu dramatically crossed her arms and snorted.

I believed that thanks to Kururu, my conflicts with Tateha had settled without escalating. When Tateha revealed my past to the class, Kururu had remained expressionless and said, “That’s just how it is when you’re little.” Her indifferent attitude towards such a heartless story must have spread to others. I didn’t know if Kururu had done it intentionally, but I couldn’t thank her enough.

“I told you, I’d help you atone for your sins.”

“Ah, yeah. So, that means thank you. I always thought sins were something to hide. It was thanks to Kururu that I realized I had to face them and carry them.”

“Well, a melon yogurt frozen soda will do.”

“Ugh, that’s so expensive.”

It’s a bit brazen to demand a proper price for a thank you. But in that unpretentious atmosphere, I felt saved once again.

“Let’s bring Asami along too.”

“Right. I wonder what Tateha likes. She seems like she’d enjoy strawberries or something sweet.”

I had memories of Tateha saying something was delicious… too many to count. Tateha always ate the bento I made, saying it was all delicious, so I couldn’t tell where the strengths and weaknesses lay.

I felt an urge to see Tateha squinting her eyes while eating strawberry-flavored ice cream. Yes, just as Kururu suggested, I should invite Tateha too.

When I glanced at Kururu, I noticed a faint smile forming on her usually unchanged lips.

“What, what is it?”

“Oh, I just thought you were laughing to yourself.”

“No way.”

I fiddled with my cheeks. There were faint wrinkles forming. Even when I was aware of it, my mouth corners wouldn’t return easily.

“It might be a bit different from a toxic relationship, but there are plenty of opportunities.”

“Is that so?”

“There are cases of falling in love with a kidnapper, after all.”

“Love?”

That sweet and sour thing had long since lodged itself between my molars and refused to come out. However, I could also understand what Kururu was saying. There was an irreparable crack between Tateha and me. It wouldn’t be strange for something resembling a bond to form as we walked carefully over that crack.

Perpetrator and victim… reaching out for something beyond that doesn’t violate ethics… I hope. Yet, it was still the guilt buried within me that held me back.

I shouldn’t think of myself as saved. Ultimately, I should be the one saving Tateha.

“Speaking of which, I haven’t seen Tateha. Does she know about the class transition?”

“I saw Asami peeking out from the window before she came. I wonder if she saw a pretty bird or something.”

“Oh, she’s been looking outside a lot lately. The other day she was on the rooftop, and the day before that, she was peeking into the courtyard from a window near the music room.”

“The last time I saw her was on the third-floor landing. It’s kind of like Mary, going down one floor at a time.”

“What if she’s behind us?”

When I turned around, no one was there.

“I guess I should call her. If she forgot, Tateha will be left all alone in the classroom.”

“Yes, that would be best.”

When I called Tateha, it was faster to look through my call history than the phonebook. I had just called her the night before to see what she was up to.

When I called her at night, Tateha often said she was listening to music on the app I had taught her. Our exchanges of recommending songs to each other felt like a normal friendship, warming my heart.

It might be presumptuous of me to wish for this, but I told my past, weaker self that this was the kind of relationship I truly wanted, and I looked forward. It felt like the angle of my face had widened compared to before.

The phone rang three, then four times.

Still no answer, I exchanged glances with Kururu. She tilted her head in curiosity.

Just then.

As I reached the hallway in front of the entrance, a white object passed by the window.

For a moment, I thought someone had thrown gym clothes into the courtyard.

I sensed the mischief of students and began to leave, anticipating the teacher who would soon come to reprimand them.

“Ahhh!”

A shrill scream echoed from the courtyard, reaching even inside the school building. It was then that I finally stopped in my tracks.

Before long, the area became noisy.

“Hey, did you see that?”

“Someone fell! This is bad!”

Hearing the commotion of onlookers drawn by an irresistible curiosity, I felt cold sweat trickling down my back.

“Who? Which class?”

“I don’t know! Someone, hurry and call a teacher!”

People kept gathering, like ants drawn to a corpse.

“This is bad. Ruri, I’m going to call a teacher.”

Kururu, who had taken the initiative, moved away from my consciousness.

Left alone, I headed towards the courtyard in my indoor shoes.

There were too many people, and I couldn’t grasp the situation.

I overheard a nearby child whispering, “Did someone jump?”

A chill ran down my spine.

“Excuse me! Let me through!”

I pushed through the crowd.

…I had a bad feeling from the start.

On the day of the sports festival, Tateha had fallen during the relay. That was clearly intentional. She had aimed for the ground, seeking the pain that came with the bl00d seeping from her wounds.

Tateha was obsessed with pain. She wouldn’t hesitate to hurt herself for it.

No, pain was something that could only be obtained by hurting oneself.

Tateha maintained her mental balance by regularly consuming that pain.

But I had removed that pain, which was like a refuge for Tateha.

I had thought that keeping her away from it would lead to her happiness.

It wasn’t a mistake. We were about to take a new step forward.

That might have been nothing more than an arrogant and foolish scenario I had conjured in my mind. I still didn’t understand Tateha.

“…Ah.”

What lay on the ground, away from the crowd, was a human body.

The limbs lay there, powerless, not moving at all.

I crumbled to my knees.

At my feet, someone’s smartphone lay abandoned.

The screen, cracked like a spider’s web, displayed a notification alerting me to an incoming call from me.