Irreversible Sadism (GL) - Chapter 20

I tried stabbing a knife into my thigh, but there was a dissonance between the scene unfolding before me and my own sensations.

No matter how I thought about it, the blade should have been piercing my flesh, yet I felt no pain at all. In fact, there was not even a sensation of something touching me.

I recalled the time I had been numbed at the dentist, when the feeling of my teeth floating was accompanied only by bl00d spilling from my mouth, and I looked at my right leg, now stained red, thinking it was somewhat similar.

Sensory numbness, in other words, dulls even the sense of pain. Even if Ruri-chan were to stab me with a mechanical pencil in my thigh like she did back then, that intense happiness would not come.

Is this how one is stripped away, piece by piece?

Even if my head were like a larva, that would not be the direct cause of death. It is the amalgamation of other facts that gnaws away at the act of living.

This way, the threshold for pain rises, and I begin to seek something stronger, and before I even realize it, I reach for pain that threatens my very existence. It feels as if the Grim Reaper is beckoning, and my body is gradually being lost.

First my right eye, then my right leg. What will be next? Perhaps my right hand, or my voice. Considering the time I ripped out my earring, there’s also the possibility of losing my hearing.

I have never once perceived disability as happiness. When life becomes inconvenient, it’s troublesome, and the thought of my body becoming immobile is naturally frightening.

If possible, I would certainly want to avoid dangerous things.

Yet, before I know it, I end up doing them. Just like I can’t help but blink.

On the living room table, there was thirty thousand yen in allowance. This month seemed a bit more than usual. The bills I held felt terribly cold, perhaps due to the air conditioning.

Upon returning to school after a long time, my classmates offered me words of congratulations. Ruri-chan, whom I had just spoken to yesterday, was staring at me intently. I quickly understood that the confusion and hesitation in her eyes had sprouted from me.

“Whoa, Asami! You’re bleeding from your leg!”

It was only when a classmate pointed it out that I realized.

The source of the bl00d crawling up my leg was from beneath my skirt. Now that I think about it, I had stabbed myself with a knife that morning and had come to school without any treatment.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

I truly hadn’t noticed.

I should have just spoken as usual, but my throat felt slack, and my voice, disconnected from any awareness, spilled out like mud.

My classmates exchanged glances, their expressions puzzled.

“Tateha, did you go into that thicket again?”

Ruri-chan, who had somehow come over, sighed and dropped her shoulders.

I didn’t understand what she was talking about, my neck drooping in confusion.

“You cut your leg last time too, right? There’s a shortcut to Tateha’s school route, but it’s overgrown and unkempt, so sometimes you get cut. I wonder why it doesn’t hurt at all when you cut yourself on paper or grass.”

Ruri-chan stood in front of me, explaining. The rest of the class seemed to understand, saying, “I get it, go get a band-aid,” and returned to their seats.

“I’ll do that. Tateha, let’s go to the nurse’s office.”

Led by Ruri-chan’s hand, I stepped out into the hallway.

“What was that about earlier?”

I asked her back as she headed straight for the nurse’s office.

“Don’t worry about it, it was just a lie.”

“How can you come up with such lies so easily?”

Her tone was as smooth as if she were recounting something that had happened yesterday.

“I’m good at deceiving.”

Even when she said that in a voice devoid of any confidence, I didn’t know how to respond. After all, should someone skilled at deception be praised?

The nurse’s office had been open since morning. The teacher was just boiling water, and when Ruri-chan called out, she replied, “Help yourself.”

I sat on a round stool and lifted my skirt.

Indeed, bl00d was flowing from my thigh. However, it seemed to have stopped now, and the bl00d crawling up my leg had already dried.

Ruri-chan gently wiped my leg with a wet handkerchief. When her hand brushed against my thigh, it felt neither cold nor warm.

“I knew it, you did it to yourself.”

Ruri-chan looked at the wound on my thigh with an oddly resentful expression. I couldn’t help but wonder why she could make such a face when the scars she had left were still evident here and there.

“But it was pointless.”

I dropped my shoulders while gazing out the window.

“It didn’t hurt at all.”

“It should hurt, especially with a stab that deep.”

“It doesn’t hurt. I don’t feel much.”

As I said this, Ruri-chan looked up at me with a grim expression.

Ah, I see. I hadn’t told Ruri-chan yet.

“When I fell, I hit my neck. Because of that, I have numbness in my right thigh.”

“Is that… okay?”

“I can walk like usual. But sometimes I almost trip, so the teacher says I still need rehabilitation.”

I raised both hands to indicate that I didn’t need crutches. However, Ruri-chan’s expression remained stormy, showing no signs of clearing.

“After homeroom today, stay in the classroom.”

“Why?”

“We’ll go home together.”

Only at times like this did Ruri-chan avoid looking at my face. Instead, her hands, which were slowly trying to apply a band-aid to my thigh, trembled slightly.

I thought to myself that this was just adding more trouble.

Going home together meant nothing, and even if I invited Ruri-chan over, we would only talk about music. I hadn’t listened to the music Ruri-chan had introduced me to lately.

In the first place, I had never thought music was good. I simply matched Ruri-chan’s conversation, gauging her mood, and setting the stage for her to grant my requests, so honestly, talking about music wasn’t enjoyable for me.

“Okay.”

Still, I suppose the reason I didn’t refuse Ruri-chan’s invitation was that I held a glimmer of hope.

If I were restrained and isolated in a psychiatric ward, I would use the same tactics.

While obeying, perhaps they would give in first.

Mimicking the way leaves entangle.

I am endlessly lying in wait for that black flame to ignite once more in the depths of Ruri-chan’s gentle eyes.