Irreversible Sadism (GL) - Chapter 25

As night falls, the city transforms, exuding a smoky scent that vividly reflects the bustling crowd. Beneath the clamor, weary salarymen walk with slumped shoulders, while taxis, aimless and numerous, weave through the streets.

With each step, I pass someone, feeling the urge to speak as they draw near, lifting my gaze. I wandered through the night city, teeming with life beyond my own.

I thought I could kill some time at the station, but after playing a few arcade games at the game center, I quickly grew bored. I attempted window shopping, but the reflection of my own unsmiling face in the mirror suggested that it wouldn’t be enjoyable, so I moved on, as if it were someone else’s business, down an unfamiliar path.

I noticed an increasing number of izakayas and karaoke boxes, their pink lights casting shadows as I avoided the presence of others.

In the depths of my eyes, the image of my mother’s back, dismissive and distant, flickered. The laughter of a stranger clung to my eardrums, mingling with the overpowering scent of strong perfume that filled my nostrils.

When I opened my hand, a blue glimmer reflected the moonlight.

I had inadvertently brought along a butterfly hairpin. Perhaps due to my tight grip, the part that had pressed into my palm had turned a purplish hue.

A dull pain traced my skin, pressing against my temples with each heartbeat.

—Huh? I don’t know anything about that.

If my mother doesn’t know, then what on earth is this? I went out with her, and she bought it for me. Where did this memory and scene come from?

A chilling sensation, as if the butterfly were melting into a viscous black liquid. Memories and hopes dripped through the gaps between my fingers, merging with the ground while shrouding my questions.

The time was seven o’clock. There were still two hours until nine.

What should I do… My mother told me not to come home, and I certainly didn’t want to return to that house with the unknown man.

Yet, I had nowhere to go.

Staring at the cracked screen of my smartphone, I continued to walk aimlessly.

As I passed by an izakaya that smelled delicious, a man in a suit approached me. He was looking for part-time help and seemed to be inviting me to come for an interview.

While I hesitated to respond, he stood closely beside me, and when the light turned red, he stopped walking too. Even without making eye contact, I could sense him staring at my face, and I couldn’t tear my gaze away from the ground.

Suddenly, a large hand reached out toward me, and I instinctively jumped back.

“I-I’m fine.”

The voice that finally escaped me was instantly drowned out by the noise, but it didn’t matter whether he heard me or not. I turned my back to the crosswalk and dashed down a different path.

The night city felt strangely reminiscent of my home from earlier.

It was like breathing with a massive foreign object lodged deep in my throat, a space consistently lacking oxygen. Every place I could belong was stripped away, scattering like birds fleeing a deforested landscape.

Why do I feel this way?

I touched the cracked screen, searching for a place to kill time.

But what would happen after I killed time? Even if I returned home at nine, this feeling of being unwelcome anywhere in the world would never be filled. The wounds leave scars, steadily draining my willpower.

“Tomorrow’s a quiz! You should study!”

A notification popped up with a cheerful sound, displaying a message.

It was from Ruri.

Her message, nestled within a white frame, felt worlds apart from this viscous city, as if shaped by a crisp, refreshing breeze. I couldn’t quite understand why I felt that way.

Before I knew it, I had pressed the call button on the messaging app.

After one ring, the call connected.

“Tateha?”

Ruri’s voice came through the phone, sounding muffled and different from what I was used to. Behind her voice, something like music played. Occasionally, I heard the clinking of dishes, suggesting she might be out somewhere.

“I was surprised. What’s up?”

What was the reason I called?

My fingers moved without my conscious thought, so there was no real reason.

I stepped off the path and sat on a nearby bench. As I stroked my damp knees, I focused on Ruri’s breathing coming through the phone.

“Hey, can you hear me? Tateha?”

Now that I thought about it, I hadn’t eaten dinner yet.

I should stop by a convenience store later and buy a bento.

Something neither delicious nor disgusting, just nutrition to sustain life.

Whose body is this, filled with additives and preservatives, and for whom does it exist?

“That’s strange. Is the signal bad?”

My mother didn’t remember going out with me. She didn’t recall buying me the butterfly hairpin. She didn’t remember holding my hand on the way home. When I showed her the hairpin, she smiled just a little.

Everything seemed to blur into a web of lies.

There was no evidence of my existence anywhere.

“Hello? Tateha?”

“I want to see you.”

The last flicker of a sparkler.

I murmured it, like dropping a fire that had become too heavy to hold.

All reasons, subjects, and added words had burned away.

Saying something like this out of the blue wouldn’t convey anything. It was late, and Ruri seemed to be out somewhere, making this conversation fraught with issues. I regretted it immediately after saying it.

I considered ending the call without saying anything more, pulling the phone away from my ear.

“I understand.”

Ruri’s strong voice reached my ear.

“Where are you?”

“At the station, on a bench. I think it’s the south exit.”

“Got it. I’m heading there now.”

When the call ended, only Ruri’s name and the call duration remained on the screen.

I placed my hand over my mouth, which had sought something.

A harmless imitation.

A former bully reduced to one of the many faceless individuals.

An insignificant existence. Our interests diverged completely, and the meaning of any agreement had long since vanished. The exposed hypocrite, stripped of any disguise, spoke through twisted reasoning.

It wasn’t kindness. Even if it were, the bonds of human connection meant to care for someone couldn’t possibly open a hole in my vision.

Why did I say I wanted to see her?

My lips and fingertips moved on their own, refusing to provide an answer.

With a sigh, I decided to wait for Ruri’s arrival.