Irreversible Sadism (GL) - Chapter 26
When Ruri-chan arrived, no one called out to her.
It was just that the familiar footsteps, with their unique rhythm, hadn’t changed a bit since elementary school. When I looked up, there she was, Ruri-chan.
Her bangs were plastered to her forehead with sweat, and when she spotted me sitting on the bench, she walked straight toward me. Despite the worry evident in her eyes, her tightly pressed lips seemed to tremble with anger.
“Ruri-chan…”
“What’s wrong? Why are you here at this hour?”
Ruri-chan was dressed lightly in a shirt and shorts. She held a smartphone in her hand, and I could guess a wallet was stuffed in her bulging pocket. Naturally, there was no sharp silver object in sight.
Disappointment, along with a calm that followed, escaped from my lips.
“It didn’t work.”
“Didn’t work? What do you mean?”
“I talked to my mom today.”
When I lowered my gaze, Ruri-chan’s sneakers came into view at the edge of my sight.
A tense silence passed between us.
“And then, she said she wanted me to come home sometimes.”
“I see, you managed to say it. Good for you.”
“But my mom, on the contrary, kicked me out of the house.”
“…Why? I don’t understand.”
“I don’t know either. A strange man came to the house, and she told me not to come home until after nine. So I came here to kill time.”
Even though I was just stating the facts, there was a heavy resonance in my voice, as if something else was mixed in.
Laughter echoed from the streets at night.
That kind of human circle. The connection of family. Thinking that I wasn’t included in the lights illuminating the streets, as if to prove my existence, my palm resting on my lap naturally formed a fist.
“And I asked about the butterfly hairpin. But my mom said she didn’t remember it. She said she didn’t know anything like that…”
Words to follow were nowhere to be found. So what? What did I feel, and what did I think?
In that moment, I was struck by an intense sense of emptiness, as if my spine had frozen and all the bl00d in my body had retreated deep inside, refusing to come out.
I even felt fear at the sight of my mother’s back. It wasn’t a defensive crisis management; it was just an indescribable discomfort that clung to me, stemming from a wandering sense of worth and an interest that didn’t match the time I had been kept alive.
“Even though I talked to her just like you said…”
After all, perhaps if I hadn’t been born in a hospital, a normal birth wouldn’t have been possible. When the umbilical cord was forcibly torn, something precious between my mother and me was likely ripped apart as well.
Those who give, those who bestow. All of it washed away into the depths of the toilet, and I, who was born, was not normal at all, so that should serve as proof.
“Tateha.”
Ruri-chan’s hand overlapped with mine.
It was damp with sweat. It felt as if our skins were sticking together, yearning for each other.
“Ruri-chan, I… can’t go home.”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t want to go home.”
“…Yeah.”
“So…”
If there’s no place to go back to, then I’ll just have to create one.
A place to belong is something to be compensated for when lost, not a rescue device that should always be there.
It’s okay, I have Ruri-chan.
I squeezed her hand back and gazed into her eyes.
“Kill me.”
I chased the moonlight that swayed on the water’s surface.
“I don’t want a mechanical pencil anymore; I want you to stab me with a knife. Even if bl00d splatters, don’t stop. I want you to cut and gouge my flesh like you’re digging into a vein. Stab me thoroughly until the blade hits the bone, make me suffer.”
After all, this bl00d flowing through my body contains no feelings. Then, it should be fine to let it all out. Let it all out, spray it up like a fountain, and I want you to draw out this irresistible instinct that craves pain along with the dark red bl00d. If you can remove the nerves so that I don’t feel pain, then it should be okay to drain the bl00d.
Surely, when my whole body has turned cold, I will finally obtain a comfort akin to lying on feathers.
“It’s fine if my arms fall off, it’s fine if bl00d spurts from my neck. With all your might, I want you to truly think of me with murderous intent. You can buy a knife at that home center. I checked it out earlier. Come on, let’s go!”
I don’t want to die. But if the ultimate evolution that lies beyond pain is to end my life, then I have no choice but to accept it. What I have become entranced by is that kind of thing.
“I’d be okay with being killed by you, Ruri-chan.”
Since I let out my first cry in a pure white room, Ruri-chan is the one who opened a hole in this sealed life that had never once felt a breeze. That day, the silver tip that pierced my right eye blew a gust of wind, expelling the remnants of petals that had accumulated.
Thanks to Ruri-chan, my life began, so it’s only natural that I would be killed by her.
“Don’t say stupid things.”
Ruri-chan stood up and pulled my hand.
The moment I was lifted off the ground, I felt a coldness in my feet as if snow had entered my shoes.
“About your mom, it might be disappointing, but there’s something going on. That can’t be helped, but it might only be for now, so, Tateha, it doesn’t mean you’re not valued or anything like that.”
Ah, surely Ruri-chan is desperately searching for a pretext to keep her hands clean.
She’s changing direction, choosing her words while hitting walls repeatedly. But all of it was just empty rhetoric without any basis. It wasn’t a realistic solution with high credibility; it was merely an emotional argument.
“Let’s go to my house.”
“To your house, Ruri-chan?”
“If I explain the situation, they should let me stay. Even if my parents say no, it’ll be fine if I sneak in.”
Unable to keep up with Ruri-chan’s quick pace, I stumbled and fell to one knee.
“S-sorry, Tateha.”
“No, it’s fine.”
As I placed my hand on my weakly buckling knee and tried to stand up, at that moment—
—A light flickered in my vision.
It was a ray of hope that shone into this world. The only means to free me from unbearable agony, and it was a weapon that could accomplish that.
The people around us, and Ruri-chan too, surely didn’t notice. Only I did. I had been searching for it since I came to this town.
When Ruri-chan bullied me, I liked being stabbed with a mechanical pencil, and I always checked her hands. When I saw the sharp silver between her long fingers, my body would heat up as I imagined the act that would soon begin, and I felt excited.
Ah, that’s how she would stab me. I would be able to be stabbed.
Please, take me to the bathroom quickly.
So I had developed a habit of always watching people’s hands. To see if the person in front of me was capable of hurting me. If they were holding a weapon.
That refined gaze, honed over a long time, was left with just one remaining light—the left eye that had been spared.
I clearly saw the glint of a sharp knife in the hands of a hooded man walking toward me.