Irreversible Sadism (GL) - Chapter 29

Why didn’t I die back then?

As I reflect on my suicidal thoughts, a mix of the pain I would have felt while losing consciousness and the anticipation of the accompanying reward swirls within me.

If I hadn’t been protected by Ruri-chan and had been stabbed repeatedly just like that, what kind of scenery would I have seen? Even if I reached out for help, my hand would have been slashed, and my throat, which would have screamed, would now be spewing bl00d. Bl00d would gurgle from my throat, threatening to drown me. The amount of bl00d would surely express itself with the force of a tipped-over jerry can.

The pain that can only be experienced by approaching death was ultimately blocked by Ruri-chan.

As I pondered this, I cut between my nails with a cutter.

Bl00d seeped between my fingers, matching the intense pain that throbbed with my heartbeat, causing cold sweat to break out. Surely, there must be bone ahead; the cutter’s blade stopped advancing, and reluctantly, I turned back.

I held my aching fingertips up to the light.

—I’m sorry for doing something so terrible…

What spilled from Ruri-chan’s eyes was not just tears but perhaps the long-held regrets and guilt she bore.

Just recalling Ruri-chan’s face from that time tightened my chest. The blade of the cutter, which I intended to use to peel off my nails, couldn’t reach the realm of the intense pain I felt, and I crouched down.

I don’t understand why my chest hurts so much.

I didn’t want her to say “I’m sorry,” and it pained me to see Ruri-chan’s face twisted in distress over a misplaced apology. I wished she would smile with the usual ease she always had. Despite being the popular girl in class, always surrounded by others, she would act demure when she saw me. All her kindness and concern towards me were merely acts of atonement. Yet, even so, the blade and words Ruri-chan offered were real, and they were certainly there.

What remained in my memory were the pains that ran through my thighs and ears, along with Ruri-chan’s gentle touch and warm embrace.

After getting out of the bath, I hurriedly changed.

Even while drying my hair, I couldn’t shake thoughts of Ruri-chan from my mind. Thinking of her made my chest ache. I had just managed to slip the blade between my fingers and nails, but that pain was overshadowed.

I have to see Ruri-chan.

I rushed out of the house and headed to the station.

Even the operational sounds of the train felt frustrating. I followed the scenery sliding by with my eyes, urging it to go faster.

Ruri-chan’s house was about a ten-minute walk from the station.

I checked the map she sent me via message and confirmed the nameplate at the entrance. It seemed I was in the right place.

Ruri-chan’s house was an ordinary single-family home located in a housing complex. A small apple tree bore fruit in the garden, and tulips and lavender swayed in the night breeze.

Since it was late at night, the scent of shampoo wafted from the windows of nearby houses. I could also hear the voices of a father and child playing, which intensified the ache in my chest.

When I rang the intercom, Ruri-chan opened the door immediately.

I had visited her two days ago. At that time, she had said it would be fine to come the day after tomorrow. So here I was, but Ruri-chan’s eyes remained wide with surprise.

“Oh, Tateha, right, today is the day.”

“Yeah. Can I stay over?”

“Um, just wait a moment!”

The door closed. The sound of the door closing seemed to be a commonality among all houses.

I disliked this sound, as if the space itself was being separated. It made my stomach churn, and I felt as if the passage through my solar plexus had narrowed.

From inside the house, I could hear Ruri-chan’s voice. She seemed to be in a hurry. The sound of footsteps running down the hallway echoed toward me. Eventually, they multiplied, and through the frosted glass of the door, shadows surged toward me like an avalanche.

“Sorry to keep you waiting! I’m sorry, I got a bit caught up!”

Ruri-chan’s outfit had changed since I last saw her. She had been wearing a navy tracksuit, but now she was in a cream-colored cardigan. I felt like her shorts were on backward, but I decided not to point it out.

That was because I locked eyes with a familiar face.

“Long time no see… Asami-san.”

When Ruri-chan’s mother saw me, her eyes drooped sadly at the corners. Yet, her mouth was lifted as if trying to mask something, and I thought, ah, they really are mother and daughter. When I had met Ruri-chan in the spring, she had worn a similar expression.

Her father was also there, bowing deeply toward me.

Being called Asami-san by an adult and having someone bow to me felt like wearing a shirt with the buttons mismatched. I felt the tightness in my throat as I also bowed and said, “Good evening.”

“Um, I’m sorry for coming by so suddenly. Is everything alright?”

“No, it’s fine. I’ve heard the situation from Ruri. Have you eaten dinner yet?”

“I had it in the evening.”

“I see. Then you’re probably not hungry.”

A strange scent wafted through the air.

It was close to being natural, yet it had a touch of human intervention, and it didn’t smell like strong perfume or like rubber melting.

That’s right, it was the scent of cooking.

I had occasionally experienced this at my own home when I was little. A soft aroma wafting from the kitchen along with steam.

“Though it was around four o’clock, I’m actually a bit hungry now.”

When I said this, Ruri-chan’s mother’s anxious expression softened into a smile, blooming like a flower.

“Oh, then please, do eat.”

I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

The image of her crying and apologizing to me and my mother overlapped, making me question if she was truly the same person. At that time, Ruri-chan’s mother had looked terribly worn out, as if it were the end of the world.

“Mom’s stuffed cabbage is exquisite. Tateha, come on in!”

“Hey, Ruri, don’t pull her like that. I’m sorry, Asami-san. Come on, Dad, don’t just stand there, move aside.”

As I stepped through the entrance, Ruri-chan’s father stumbled back a step from where he had been standing in front of the shoe cabinet.

This man was the one who had abused Ruri-chan…

His droopy eyes behind his glasses held a gentle light, making him seem like someone who could never do such a thing.

Ruri-chan’s height must have come from her father, as he seemed to be around one hundred eighty centimeters tall. When I looked up, his gentle face turned pale.

“Um, is it okay…?”

“Eh?”

“Ruri… um, Ruri, you know? The terrible things she did… um, her eyes…”

Like a newborn fawn, the outline of his lips trembled. His voice, so shriveled it was almost pitiful, was barely audible. Immediately, Ruri-chan’s mother interjected with a firm “Dad.” Ruri-chan’s father flinched, his shoulders shaking.

Ruri-chan and her parents all wore the same expression, bearing the same sin, their eyes driven like wedges, waiting for my response.

Did defendants awaiting judgment wear such expressions? Was this how a judge felt when delivering a verdict?

“It’s alright, it’s in the past. Ruri-chan and I have already made up.”

Ruri-chan’s father looked like he was about to cry as he said, “Thank you.”

Ruri-chan’s mother untied her apron and headed toward the kitchen.

Though Ruri-chan didn’t say anything, she held my hand tightly.

“Okay, Dad, set the dishes, and Ruri, pour the tea! And the chairs too!”

“Yes!”

“Okay!”

The three of them exchanged their roles in the hallway leading to the living room.

“Oh, Tateha.”

Ruri-chan leaned closer to my hair.

“It smells nice. Did you take a bath?”

“Yeah. Before you.”

“I see. Mom! Tateha took a bath!”

As we passed through the living room, the orange light dominated my vision.

Ruri-chan’s mother was bustling in the kitchen, flipping something in a frying pan, while Ruri-chan’s father was taking dishes from the shelf and setting them on the table, despite being scolded.

I sat down on the chair Ruri-chan brought for me.

The array of dishes laid out on the table before me was colorful and looked delicious… no, even convenience store bento looked delicious. If warmed properly, steam would rise.

“Come on, eat up, eat up.”

However, this food was more flavorful than any bento I had ever eaten, more than any side dish, with a softness that melted on my tongue. Each bite that fell into my stomach sent warmth radiating through my entire body.

The shapes of the stuffed cabbages were irregular, some large, some small. As I picked up one of the oddly shaped stuffed cabbages with my chopsticks, the image of Ruri-chan’s mother making them floated into my mind. Humming, she rolled the ground meat in her hands. Why did she look so happy? Why is cooking so enjoyable?

With each mouthful, my nose began to throb.

“Hey, Ruri, don’t take more than one extra in the chaos. It’s five per person. Oh, Asami-san, feel free to eat as much as you like.”

“Um, about these dishes…”

“Those are for toast, right? Come on, get it together, Dad.”

That scene was projected far away, yet it felt so close, right before my eyes.

It looked like a part of a work projected onto a screen.

Like a poorly taken photo with the focus wrong and excessive contrast added, it shone brightly.

“How is it? Tateha, delicious, right?”

The characters suddenly spoke to me.

At that moment, I finally remembered.

I was also a resident of this world now.

The faint sweetness lingering in my mouth, and the warmth that melted away.

“…It’s delicious.”

Such longing must have existed somewhere in the past. But it had scattered like a kaleidoscope, and now I could no longer find it.

Yet, there was one thing I understood.

…This house is very warm.