Irreversible Sadism (GL) - Chapter 30

I was treated to dinner and then guided to Ruri-chan’s room.

Ruri-chan’s room was monochrome, with a black bed, black curtains, a white color box, and a white carpet, resembling a Western-style room seen in black-and-white photographs. However, the only thing that stood out was the study desk, adorned with a blue mat, which felt out of place.

As soon as I entered, my nostrils were tickled by an almond-like scent, and I quickly realized that this was the source of the fragrance that occasionally wafted from Ruri-chan’s neck.

It felt as if I were enveloped by Ruri-chan, making my legs unsteady. Even if I wanted to bury my face in her, she wasn’t always within reach.

As I admired the swaying hair behind Ruri-chan while she closed the curtains, our eyes met suddenly. Being in an unfamiliar room with someone I knew felt strangely disconcerting. The embarrassment dulled my judgment.

Ruri-chan said the bath was ready, and I chased after her as she headed toward the bathroom with a towel.

“I want to join you.”

Ruri-chan almost stumbled down the stairs, losing her footing. While she was off balance, she threw me a glance.

“Oh, really? Then should I go in first? I tend to take a while.”

“I want to go in together.”

The color of confusion was painted over in black.

A color that is untouched by anything is strong yet one-directional. I understood why Ruri-chan had dyed her room in monochrome.

“Um, Mom. Ruri-chan wants to go in together…”

A dull determination seeped into my voice, and I tilted my head.

As I undressed in the bathroom, I asked Ruri-chan, “Is it weird to take a bath together?”

“I don’t think it’s weird…”

Ruri-chan, with the clumsiness of a child who still couldn’t change clothes by herself, was pulling her shirt sleeves down. The Ruri-chan without arms was staring intently at my thigh.

My thigh bore many scars from the past. Each one was a testament to my reasons for living and the tangible proof that I had felt alive.

“I got these from you, Ruri-chan.”

As I traced the scars with my fingers, Ruri-chan averted her gaze, pulling her neck into her shirt as if to hide. Ruri-chan lifted her shirt as if shedding skin. I recognized the ribboned underwear that adorned her chest.

Her tousled hair, lifted by the static of the shirt, felt like the ticklishness of morning sunlight, reminiscent of waking up. If I spent a night under the same roof as Ruri-chan, would I be able to greet such a morning, squinting my eyes in delight?

Ruri-chan still had scars on her stomach from where she had been stabbed. The raw redness and multiple stitched marks were wounds inflicted because of me.

What do the gaping hole in my right eye and the cracks on Ruri-chan’s stomach signify?

The bathtub wasn’t small, but when we both got in, there was nowhere to put our legs. Ruri-chan’s feet rested on my shoulder, and my legs accidentally struck her chin.

Like tangled earphone wires, we couldn’t fully submerge ourselves in the hot water, but our bodies warmed sufficiently.

After returning to the room and finishing drying my hair, Ruri-chan, now in her pajamas, lent me some toner. It was the same pump bottle I always used, and I took three pumps into my palm, cupping my cheeks with my hands.

Across the table, Ruri-chan mirrored my pose.

“Tateha, you’re so fair and have beautiful skin. That’s nice. I tend to neglect my skincare, so if I’m not careful, redness shows up quickly.”

“It’s not really skincare; it’s a habit. After a bath, while I let it soak in, I end up lost in thought.”

Gazing at the blank wall while moistening my cheeks brought me a sense of peace.

However, that wasn’t the case now. With Ruri-chan right in front of me, I couldn’t think, and if she spoke to me, I had to respond.

“I need to follow your example, Tateha. Alright, I’ll keep this up for one more minute.”

Ruri-chan, diligently starting a countdown, covered her face with her hands and swayed her head like a parakeet. Was it her large hands or her small face? In the ample space, the moisture reflected the room’s light.

So this is what it means to spend time with someone.

Even just eating a meal, taking a bath, or making our skin plump creates conversation, and our gazes darted back and forth like a lighthouse beam.

That friction must generate heat.

As Ruri-chan finished her countdown and released her hands, I gently touched her. Her cheeks, perhaps due to just getting out of the bath, were warm and inviting.

“Hey, Tateha…”

Accepting my touch, Ruri-chan opened her mouth slightly.

“Do you still think you can’t change?”

“I think I can’t change… or rather, I believe that the things that have taken root are like scars.”

I pointed to my right eye.

The pupils of Ruri-chan, drawn into the hole, were murky like rain clouds, obscuring the future.

“I don’t think you can escape pain. I believe it’s a form of dependency. In reality, I often find myself doing it without realizing. Just today, before coming to your house, I accidentally cut between my nails with a cutter.”

When I showed her my fingertips, Ruri-chan’s expression changed as if she had eaten something bitter.

“That’s why I probably can’t erase pain from myself. It’s something essential for living. To maintain balance in my heart, I have to keep it up. Every time something stirs deep within my body, I feel that way.”

It might not be something that can be severed. However, if severed, even sustaining life would become difficult. Desires are like springs propelling us toward tomorrow. If they snap or rust, just basking in the morning sun could turn my heart to ash, leaving me unable to hope for another tomorrow.

“But I think I can increase it.”

“Increase it?”

“Yeah. Besides pain, something else to depend on. A parasite that resides in my head.”

Surely, this is something that must coexist.

If I try to eliminate it, the balance will collapse, and even the most important things will be swallowed by the abyss.

What is needed is not annihilation but accommodation.

“When Ruri-chan was stabbed, the parasite inside me wriggled. It was a different kind from the original parasite that craved pain, and those are still moving around in my brain.”

Ruri-chan listened intently to my words, taking them seriously.

I now understood how reassuring it was to have my words reach someone.

With my mother, no matter what I said or clung to, I was always rebuffed. Resignation stained my heart black, gradually shrinking my words until I couldn’t even express what I truly wanted to say.

But Ruri-chan was different.

Even things I didn’t want to convey made me want to share.

“If there were something to replace pain, it would be…”

“Yeah.”

What I continuously received from my mother was kindness. A tangible mercy stored semi-permanently in the refrigerator to prevent my life from ending, to keep me from dying.

There’s no doubt that it was an act worthy of gratitude. However, what I received that day at the botanical garden with my mother, along with the butterfly hairpin, was something different.

The one closest to the blue glow is Ruri-chan.

As long as I have Ruri-chan, I might be able to reach whatever it was I received from my mother that day. The hope that I might is akin to the warmth gathering at my wounds.

“It’s Ruri-chan.”

What the parasites writhing in my brain seek is Ruri-chan.

For the parasites that greedily devour the warm sensations I receive from Ruri-chan.

“I want to depend on Ruri-chan.”

If I could connect all the severed wires to Ruri-chan, it would surely continue to send an irreplaceable current through my nerves.

“Is it okay to depend on you?”

I noticed Ruri-chan took a small breath.

The movement of her throat and the sweat pooling in the hollow of her collarbone shaped her agitation.

It’s okay to hesitate, it’s okay to worry. If we connect too easily, it would prove to be a simple substitute that could be replaced.

I placed my hand on Ruri-chan’s shoulder, urging her for a response.

Ruri-chan’s eyes, gazing back at me, resembled the moon rippling on the water’s surface.

“…It’s fine.”

Confirming that Ruri-chan nodded, I buried my face in the water’s surface.