Irreversible Sadism (GL) - Chapter 31
On Ruri’s body, warm like a sun-heated shallows, I am drowning.
In this sinking sensation, I feel the contours of Ruri. As I trace the boundary with my fingertips, a faint line spreads like a contrail.
Not fully grasping the essence of an embrace, I find myself at a loss for where to place my hands. Then Ruri pulls my wrist closer. When our eyes meet at such close range, why does it become impossible to breathe?
I spend a moment where I can’t even catch my breath, as if I were cut out from a photograph. Ruri seems surprised to be pushed down by me, but perhaps she gradually regains her composure. Pulling me closer by the back of my head, she whispers in my ear.
“Depend on me.”
Wanting something necessary and being unable to resist desire are two different things. Ruri is certainly not indispensable to my life. I wouldn’t die if she were to disappear, and this is different from needing food or sleep.
Yet, I crave her. That is dependency.
“If I ever want to jump out of the window, will you stop me, Ruri?”
“I’ll definitely stop you. I might even catch you.”
“What if I almost get hit by a car?”
“I’d push you out of the way, even if it meant getting hit myself.”
“What if I said I wanted to be stabbed to death, Ruri? What would you do?”
“I’d hug you so tightly that you couldn’t think of such a thing.”
Ruri’s palm supports my back and the back of my head.
When Ruri’s stomach overlaps with mine, a heartbeat like footsteps resonates between us. Is it my heartbeat echoing, or can I hear Ruri’s excitement? Or perhaps it’s both.
“Then, if I were about to be stabbed… would you protect me like you did this time?”
“Of course. I’ll definitely protect you.”
“Ruri, you might die.”
“I’d gladly die for Tateha.”
—I’d be okay with being killed by Ruri.
The words I spoke bounce back and pierce my heart. The bl00d that flows out is hot and surges down to Ruri through my fingertips.
“Is the reason you care about me so much because of this?”
I pointed to my right eye.
What Ruri did cannot be erased. The past misdeeds and the ugly nature that lies beneath can never be made to disappear. Still, I believe that Ruri’s devotion to me stems from her guilt.
However, Ruri shook her head.
“At first, yes. I decided to devote myself to Tateha as atonement. But now, it’s different.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah. Now, it’s because it’s you… that I want to devote myself so much.”
“I don’t really understand. When you say it’s because of me, doesn’t that mean it’s to atone for your sins?”
“No, it’s different.”
Now, as we embrace, we can’t see each other’s faces. I can only imagine Ruri’s expression from the tone of her voice and her breathing in my ear.
“It’s because it’s you that I want to help.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“I don’t feel this way about anyone else. I could never stand in front of a vicious criminal with a knife; I’d be too scared. But for you, Tateha, I can.”
Even so, I wanted to see her face, so I pulled away.
An embrace is an act of exchanging warmth, and it doesn’t lend itself well to reading the other person’s emotions.
“Hey, Tateha… can you listen to me for just a moment?”
“Sure.”
“I first met you in the first grade of elementary school. We were in the same class, and you sat in the front row. I was diagonally behind you. At first, we didn’t have much interaction, and I didn’t pay much attention to you. But then, one day, you started wearing that hairpin.”
That hairpin must be the butterfly hairpin my mother bought for me.
“That butterfly is a Ruritatteha, right?”
“Ruritatteha?”
“There’s a butterfly like that. It’s a jewel-like butterfly in a deep blue color. Since I was little, I’ve loved things that are the same color as my name, and the Ruritatteha is a beautiful butterfly in that color. Ruri refers to a slightly purplish blue. I wanted to be something sparkly like that and admired it. But I also knew that I wasn’t the kind of person who could be a sparkling jewel or a beautiful flower.”
Ruri laughed playfully.
“Then you came to school wearing that Ruritatteha hairpin, and I was shocked. The Ruritatteha is my favorite butterfly, and you’re wearing that hairpin? It felt like fate.”
Her eyes sparkled like a child sharing a dream.
“From then on, I started to watch you. The more I learned about you, the more I realized how girly you were compared to me, and I thought you were genuinely cute. So, I wanted to be friends. But back then, I was shy and couldn’t bring myself to talk to you… Then, one day, you spoke to me. You complimented my test scores, and it was just a casual conversation, but to me, it felt like a miracle… I still remember how hard I tried to choose my words carefully so that you wouldn’t dislike me.”
Did that really happen? I couldn’t find any corresponding scene in my memory.
“I was genuinely happy. My name is Ruri, just like that butterfly! I even thought of a catchphrase to say when I introduced myself, and I was so nervous waiting for the right moment to say it… But, as I mentioned earlier, I’m not really a good person, so what I’m about to say might shock you, so please forgive me.”
A shadow fell over Ruri’s expression. Her gaze darted around, rolling across the floor, climbing to the ceiling, and finally returning to me. I nodded at her glistening eyes.
“I was… jealous.”
“Jealous?”
“You were talking to all sorts of kids. You were so friendly, and it seemed like you were having a lot of fun. But I knew I could make you happier than anyone else. Because I’m Ruri, and you’re Tateha, right? There’s no way a meeting like this could be a coincidence… As I watched you talk to other kids, I became jealous and started to get irritated… and that led to bullying.”
“I see.”
“I’m really sorry. It’s just that I didn’t hate you. It wasn’t because I disliked you or because you were at fault. It was just that I was weak and ugly, and that’s why it turned out that way. So, you have nothing to feel guilty about. If you ever blame yourself, please stop; that’s wrong. No matter the circumstances, the one who bullies is always at fault. The bullied party is never to blame.”
You must have wanted to run away right then. Ruri’s eyes trembled as if magnets were repelling each other.
“I wanted to convey that…”
“I’ve never blamed myself. I’ve never blamed you either.”
“You can blame me for that.”
“Because I like being hurt.”
But what if it weren’t me? What if a properly metamorphosed adult had broken through the window? What would have happened to Ruri then? Would she have sought revenge?
Ruri sat up.
I rose to meet her, as if being washed by waves, facing her. We sat facing each other, our legs crossed awkwardly.
The clock on the wall ticked forward, filling the time between Ruri and me. How long had it been? I had never been able to convey this to Ruri.
That wasn’t bullying. For me, that time was happiness and a testament to my existence.
“Hey, Tateha…!”
Ruri must have felt the same.
There was something I couldn’t say back then.
That wasn’t bullying.
We were just hiding our twisted essences and playing a role. The remnants of a poorly executed stage performance fell under the definition of bullying in human terms. Still, to others, the repeated acts of cruelty that occurred in the bathroom could easily be perceived as bullying.
I have no intention of rebelling against that naming based on common sense, rules, or regulations, nor am I capable of doing so, as I was not a life raised along the rails of the world.
So, only when it’s just the two of us.
In the world of just Ruri and me, this rule applies.
“I’ve never been able to say this.”
“Yeah.”
“But now I feel like I can say it…”
If it isn’t bullying, there’s no need to be burdened by the past. There are no walls created by charges that separate us.
What face do I show?
Who do I think I am?
Have I forgotten what I’ve done?
The slingshot-like insults turn to smoke in this world.
“Tateha.”
“What is it, Ruri?”
The words that should have been exchanged that day.
During class, I was always hit in the back of the head with eraser shavings.
When I turned around, Ruri and her entourage were laughing like demons, clutching their stomachs.
That Ruri, with a weak, fleeting, and frightened face, extends her hand to me.
Before her transformation, Ruri was like this.
The Ruri who admired the Ruritatteha was this kind of person.
The girl who always chased the deep blue that swayed above my head from the corner of the classroom.
Whether it was tension or anxiety, what flowed from Ruri’s eyes absorbed the light and shone blue.
“Please… be my friend…”
The hand she offered in front of me trembled exaggeratedly.
“Sure.”
That hand was surprisingly cold, almost indistinguishable from a corpse.
“Actually, I thought we were already friends.”
Ruri looked up.
It might be a bit twisted to call it friendship.
A dependent and a provider.
It might be far from the freshness of running hand in hand at sunset, but like heated iron fusing together, we are tightly bound, connected by instinct. It is not a relationship visible to the eye, but there exists an absurdly presumptuous coexistence that could be called a bond.
“Tateha is fine.”
“Yeah. I want you, Ruri.”
The parasite nesting in my brain is demanding to be fed quickly.
The food that replaces pain is right there.
But unlike pain, it is not instantaneous.
Being with Ruri. Talking with Ruri. Looking into Ruri’s eyes. Smelling Ruri’s scent. Thinking about Ruri. Touching Ruri. Being embraced by Ruri.
That continuous cycle might be more potent than pain.
“I’ll definitely protect you.”
Ruri, with no intention of hiding it, wipes her large tears with her sleeve.
“I’ll fill your heart so that you won’t be overwhelmed by pain.”
“If I can’t win, I’m sorry.”
I don’t know when the corpse might resurrect.
Having my insides devoured, I might someday lose control of myself and, like a mantis parasitized by a hairworm, stagger and jump out the window.
Dependency is like that. If it can be controlled, it is not dependency but desire.
Excessive consumption carried out outside of consciousness dulls judgment and eats away at ethics.
“It’s okay, it’s okay.”
Just like before, Ruri strokes my head.
“We are Ruritatteha.”
That butterfly must exist, but I have never seen it.
Suddenly, I am drawn to a blue that catches my eye at the edge of my vision.
On the monochrome desk, there lies a mat of an unusual blue color. Ruri must have always spread her notebooks there, aiming for something.
Something sparkling, in the color of lapis lazuli.
The next morning, as I was getting ready to leave, I ran into Ruri’s mother at the entrance.
After greeting her, Ruri’s mother packed the leftover cabbage rolls from yesterday and some yakisoba for lunch into a bento box for me.
Since it was Saturday, Ruri’s father, who was home, also peeked out from the living room.
Ruri, who had gone outside first, was calling for me.
As I bowed and tried to run out, Ruri’s mother stopped me.
“You resent her, don’t you?”
What shone in Ruri’s mother’s eyes was the same as Ruri’s. Ruri’s father, standing beside her, looked at me with vacant eyes.
This family is all kind and good people.
But there is a wall somewhere, and it feels like a sense of guilt lingers over everything they do.
“I’m sorry… Asami, really.”
Does Ruri know?
Does this family, these parents, know?
That time stopped on the day Ruri stabbed me in the eye with a mechanical pencil.
It’s not about forgiveness or not. I truly don’t care about what happened back then.
But the people around us do not feel the same.
“Ruri… is like that, but she’s really a good girl.”
Ruri’s mother, who came to my house almost every night, bowing her head.
—I’m sorry… I’m sorry…
As I watched Ruri’s mother, who never left until my own mother said, “That’s enough,” I wondered why she apologized so much.
But now I finally understand.
She wasn’t apologizing to me.
Ruri’s mother was trying to protect Ruri.
She was desperate to protect her daughter.
“Ruri and I are good friends now.”
That phrase held no meaning for me.
But for Ruri’s mother, it did.
To this family.
“Therefore, please don’t worry about it.”
Just this was enough.
When I smiled, Ruri’s mother returned the gesture with a smile that crinkled the corners of her eyes. It looked just like Ruri’s face, holding back tears.
“I heard about your family’s situation from Ruri. If you ever find yourself in trouble, you can come to our house anytime.”
“But that would be bad.”
“There’s nothing bad about it. My husband, Ruri, and I—we all want to help you, Asami.”
What awaited me was yet another embrace.
“If you ever feel uncomfortable in your current home, if it becomes too painful, just run away here immediately.”
By saving me, these people would surely find their own salvation.
“…I understand. I’ll come by again.”
I held onto the back that resembled Ruri so closely.
I had no interest in anything but pain. What lay behind every action and word was not goodwill, but a rationality aimed at gathering food for parasites. Everything sought a return, moving and speaking solely with the purpose of reaching pain.
Yet, at this moment, that rationality was absent.
Ruri’s mother surely had no intention of hurting me. She was not someone who would inflict pain.
And yet, responding to her feelings like this…
It was probably because I sincerely wished for their salvation.
Not wanting to keep Ruri waiting any longer, I packed the bento I had received into my bag and put on my shoes.
As I stepped out of the entrance, I heard a voice from behind.
“Take care. Be careful on the road.”
At first, I didn’t understand the meaning of those words.
As I descended the entrance stairs and joined Ruri, I realized that it was a very ordinary greeting exchanged between families.
Thinking they might have already gone inside, I turned back.
Ruri’s parents were still waving at us.
“…I’m off.”
The words slipped from my lips, uncertain, as if they were in a foreign language.
Is this right? Is this okay?
No, there probably is no correct answer.
The warmth spreading in my chest remained there as a mere reward.
If I were to repeat this every day, what shape would the accumulated feelings take?
Perhaps it was because I was still… a chrysalis that I wished to become like that someday.