Irreversible Sadism (GL) - Chapter 38

Just before the closing ceremony, I noticed that Tateha was missing. I jumped out of the line arranged by the roster and, after informing the teacher, went off to search for Tateha.

After parting ways with the others, I had gone around a few stalls with Tateha. Although Tateha had intended to stay at the ring toss corner, a classmate had encouraged her to play a little.

In the end, I hadn’t told Tateha about the others.

Right now, Tateha is living in a place free from pain. That is a good sign. It is my role, and the promise I made to Tateha, to protect her so that she can spread her wings wide.

If she meets those two, she will surely remember the past.

I have already decided that I will not hurt Tateha again. But what if Sorimachi and Nakatani end up hurting her? That could invite the worst future, like a large crack opening in the bottom of a ship, slowly capsizing everything we had built up.

What if the balance supporting Tateha suddenly collapses, and she jumps out of the window again?

I still vividly remember the sound when Tateha hit the ground after jumping. When I saw her lying motionless on the ground, I thought she was dead.

I never want to experience that cold sensation in my heart again.

“Oh, there you are! Tateha!”

In the hallway leading to the cafeteria, I found Tateha crouched under the vending machine.

Thinking she might be feeling unwell, I hurried over to her and called out.

However, when I shook her shoulder, Tateha looked at me with a puzzled expression. I let out a sigh of relief and followed the tips of her fingers.

“What’s wrong? Did you drop some money?”

“No, I lost it.”

“You lost it?”

“My hairpin.”

Upon closer inspection, I noticed that the usual blue butterfly hairpin was missing from Tateha’s head.

“Did you drop it somewhere? Do you have any idea where?”

Tateha shook her head.

“I wonder where it went.”

She said it as if it were nothing, but her expression was dark and sad. She even crouched down to search under the vending machine. I knew all too well how much that hairpin meant to her.

Tateha is searching for something that could replace her pain. That hint lies in that hairpin.

She might not realize it, but I believe its true essence is love.

The warmth of being cherished by someone. Tateha’s home had lacked that for a long time. The only moment it existed was, as Tateha said, when she went to the botanical garden with her mother.

The hairpin I bought for her was not just to keep food fresh in the refrigerator; it was because I wanted to see Tateha happy. I dislike her mother, but I believe that hairpin truly contained love.

“I’ll help you look. Have you checked the second floor?”

“I’ve checked. Just this hallway left.”

“I see. Then it might be around here.”

Seeing Tateha check the same spot repeatedly was painful, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that the closing ceremony was about to start. The teacher would surely mention it later. But for now, I wanted to prioritize that hairpin.

“Tateha, we got to go to so many places today. Which one was the most fun?”

“I don’t know. I don’t really remember.”

“Wasn’t the candy apple delicious?”

“It wasn’t delicious. It was hard to eat.”

“Haha, that might be true.”

The candy apple was bought because it felt festive, but it seems Tateha didn’t like it.

“Working at the stall was fun.”

“That’s surprising. A lot of people don’t want to do it because it’s quite tough.”

As we moved the trash can around, I searched for the hairpin. It’s a beautiful blue color, so I thought it would be easy to find, but it was nowhere to be seen.

“I’m happy when you smile.”

A butterfly’s flutter should make no sound.

Yet now, I distinctly heard the sound of wings spreading. It wasn’t a soft, enveloping sound, but a strong, piercing one that rang out beside me.

Tateha continued searching for the hairpin without changing her expression.

“…I see.”

“What?”

“Oh, no, yeah.”

Tateha might be suited to be a nursery teacher.

I was about to say that. It was true. I had thought so ever since I saw her interacting with children. Tateha is good with kids, and more than anything, she seems to behave so naturally. It’s not that she’s trying hard; I think her wavelength just matches theirs.

If she finds her dream of becoming a nursery teacher, Tateha will surely undergo a metamorphosis. Dreams and goals serve as the morning sun that encourages metamorphosis. Tateha doesn’t realize her potential. She still has time. In fact, she can live more brilliantly than those who live without thinking.

But I didn’t say it.

“I want to do it again next year.”

“Did you enjoy the cultural festival?”

“Yeah, it was fun.”

“I see.”

Even though the windows should be closed, a chilling wind brushed against my cheek.

“Tateha, are you sure you don’t want to hold hands? Right now, there’s no one around, so you can hold on as much as you want. I can even give you a hug, which you love.”

I spread my arms and smiled at Tateha.

However, Tateha shook her head.

“No, I’m fine. I wonder why. Right now… I’m okay.”

Where is Tateha planning to fly off to with those wings?

There were no further words, and it was as if Tateha had conveyed everything she needed to say as she returned to searching for the hairpin, ignoring me.

The closing ceremony must have already started. However, I couldn’t even tell if the warning bell had rung. It was as if my ears were stuffed with something, and I couldn’t hear the sounds around me.

A throbbing pain shot through my eyes. Something foul dripped from the back of my nose. The stench was so overwhelming that my face contorted.

My feet felt unsteady.

Something was caught in the distance. Was it a foreign object, filth, or perhaps… prey?

My vision was dark, and I couldn’t see well. I reached out blindly.

“There it is—!”

A hard sound echoed.

Before I knew it, I had grabbed Tateha by the neck and pushed her against the wall. I must have hit the back of her head in the process. Tateha looked up at me with trembling eyes, holding her head. Doubt colored her gaze.

“Oh, no.”

I hurriedly released my grip.

“There was some trash stuck here.”

“Trash?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry for surprising you like that.”

There was no rationality in my actions.

Only impulse remained. It was futile to probe the motives behind my actions or my psychological state.

My palm still felt warm. As I traced the sensation of her throat moving when Tateha swallowed, I embraced my hand against my chest.

“I hope you find your hairpin.”

“Yeah. I’ll do my best to look for it.”

Tateha tightened her lips, looking determined.

Her desperate search for something that wasn’t there filled me with warmth.

“You’re cute, Tateha.”

I want to cherish this adorable being even more. I want to make her happier.

But perhaps, Tateha is already sufficiently happy right now. The boundary between unhappiness and happiness has become blurred, and the original baseline has been completely shifted.

No matter how many happy things happen, they don’t add up; they remain stuck near zero. The balance has rusted.

For Tateha to become happier, that baseline must be lowered once.

In other words, Tateha must experience unhappiness once. As long as she keeps moving her limbs so nimbly, happiness will not come.

If those wings were to fall off, then come back. I will never abandon you, and I will make you happy, even if it costs me my life.

Eventually, the end-of-term bell rang.

The closing ceremony must have ended; I could hear voices coming from the gym.

“Tateha, everyone has already come.”

“…I can still search.”

Tateha continued to look under the vending machine and the lockers.

She pressed her knees and cheek against the dusty floor, desperately searching. The returning students pointed at her with puzzled expressions.

“Yeah, let’s keep looking until the school gate closes!”

I followed Tateha’s lead and lay down on the floor, searching for the hairpin.

As I searched, I prayed.

Please, let Tateha’s precious hairpin not be found.