Irreversible Sadism (GL) - Chapter 4

My bl00d flows into the drain.

The thought of trying self-harm, specifically cutting my wrists, came to me quite by chance when I saw a report on television discussing the topic.

Though it’s referred to as self-injury, it seems that when humans feel pain, the brain releases dopamine, which scientifically proves that cutting can be effective in alleviating anxiety and suffering. It’s undeniable that it’s an act of harming oneself, but rather than being a negative action, it can be seen as a choice for survival.

However, I regretted cutting my wrist.

I wasn’t particularly anxious or in pain. I simply craved the pleasure that comes from the agony that lies beyond the pain.

Yet, I couldn’t attain that either. Since I was inflicting the cuts by my own will, my mind inevitably tried to control me. If only I could go deeper, perhaps what lies beneath this skin would bring me the delightful pain I love so much.

It’s the existence of bl00d vessels within my body that complicates things. Knowing that cutting too deep could lead to death makes me stop. I enjoy pain, but I don’t want to die.

After getting out of the bath, I wrapped a bandage around my wrist.

Since my mother wasn’t home anyway, I took out some milk from the refrigerator while still naked.

My mother generally doesn’t come home. In fact, I have no memories of being raised by her. From the moment I became aware of my surroundings, it was my father who took care of me, and he divorced when I was in elementary school.

My mother generously pays for the costs of raising me. When I wake up in the morning, there’s always two thousand yen on the table, and the refrigerator is stocked with supermarket side dishes and convenience store bento. She gives me twenty thousand yen as pocket money every month, telling me to buy what I like myself.

I am aware that I was raised in a pampered manner. However, I did not receive love.

I have never traveled with my mother, nor have we gone out to play. She doesn’t attend school events, and she has never been present at my entrance or graduation ceremonies.

The only times she has come are for parent-teacher conferences or occasions where not attending would raise doubts about my common sense as a working adult. In front of the teachers, my mother acts as if she loves me. That cheerful smile and the ability to choose neutral words directed at adults are traits I must have inherited from her.

In this house, there is no evidence of my existence. There are no family photos, no albums from my childhood, nothing at all. There are no items bought for me, nor clothes we chose together.

If I were to disappear from this world, visitors to this house would never realize I had been here.

Looking into the mirror, I place a dropper against my right eye. This is a tool for removing my prosthetic eye.

At first, it was uncomfortable, but surprisingly, once I got used to it, it became easy, and the sensation of it popping out is oddly pleasant.

I rinse the hemispherical prosthetic eye and place it in its designated case.

Reflected in the mirror, my right eye appears meaty with a reddish interior and a gradient of the remaining white, almost resembling butchered meat. A gaping hole, an open perforation.

This is the only living proof that remains of me.

In elementary and middle school, I never found anything I particularly wanted to do. I have no memories of achieving anything. When asked to reflect on my memories, I find nothing laid out on the path I have walked, not a single footprint.

Only a hole remains.

That day, at that moment.

I was indeed absorbing someone’s emotions. I have never received anything like that from my mother.

Not the flat, flavorless feelings of indifference that suggest she doesn’t care what happens to me. But a clear, growing, intense emotion.

Everything that Ruri-chan has done for me is firmly etched into this right eye.

Days have passed since the entrance ceremony.

The atmosphere in the class has solidified, and we have split into about four groups. I continue to orbit around like an asteroid, maintaining vague communication and striving to be liked by everyone.

Still, I persistently spoke to Ruri-chan.

Ruri-chan has become a central figure in the class, always brightening the room with her natural cheerfulness and cuteness. So, when I spoke to her, it didn’t seem particularly out of place.

However, Ruri-chan was clearly avoiding me. More than that, she seemed frightened. We could converse, but there was a wall between us. Yet, when I spoke to someone else in class, I could feel her watching me from a distance. No, perhaps she was monitoring me, afraid of when I might drop a bomb.

The opportunity for me came during the homeroom session to decide class representatives.

Class representatives are typically chosen in pairs. Given that Ruri-chan was already a central figure, she was nominated. She accepted gladly, but no one else wanted to take on the role, so it was decided that the second representative would be chosen by lottery.

When my turn came, I drew a slip from the box. It had a red circle written on it.

Thus, I became the class representative alongside Ruri-chan. Apparently, there’s a meeting for the committee right after school today.

After school, I approached Ruri-chan.

“Ruri-chan, we have the committee meeting right away. Let’s go to the audiovisual room together.”

Ruri-chan, who was packing her bag, flinched and then slowly stood up.

“Y-Yeah! I mean, Tateha, you had a rough time too. I wish someone had volunteered.”

“Come on, it’s just a lottery, it can’t be helped. Besides, I’m really happy to be in the committee with you, Ruri-chan. You know, entering high school, I was so nervous with all these unfamiliar faces. But since I already know you, it’s easy to talk.”

We stepped out into the hallway. The after-school corridor was bustling with people engaged in club activities and chatting. Excited basketball players were laughing as they passed the ball to each other.

Occasionally, a few students waved at Ruri-chan. They shouldn’t be from the same class, but perhaps she had already made friends with kids from other classes.

“Ruri-chan, you’re already quite the popular one.”

“Huh? Oh, no, it’s not that big of a deal. That kid just talked to me on the entrance ceremony day. They said they liked my… um, it’s embarrassing, but they liked my face.”

“That’s exactly what makes you popular. You were nominated for class representative, after all. You really are amazing, Ruri-chan.”

“The nomination was probably just because I talked the most. I was just the easiest to ask.”

“Stop being so modest.”

Ruri-chan already carries the trust of the entire class. She is seen as someone worthy of trust, bright, kind, and dependable.

She is perceived as a good person.

“Ruri-chan is everyone’s reliable leader!”

At my words, Ruri-chan blushed and smiled shyly. Her smile seemed to let slip a memory from the past.

“Watch out!”

Just then, I heard a voice.

However, the voice came from the right. My world is shrouded in darkness on the right side. I can only cast my gaze with my left eye, and to pay attention to the right, I have to turn my head. That’s why I was late.

A rough sensation struck my right cheek.

As I fell from the impact, a basketball bounced nearby.

“Whoa, I hit you. Are you okay?”

The basketball player who had been laughing just moments ago rushed over to me. I wished they could have given me a friendly smile like usual. But I couldn’t lift my face, realizing bl00d was coming from my right eye.

The prosthetic eye had shifted and pierced into my right eye. The flesh inside must have been cut, causing the bleeding.

“Tateha!”

Ruri-chan noticed me.

It wasn’t bleeding profusely. But it felt like bl00d would drip if I didn’t press my hand against it.

“Hey, you could have dodged that, right?”

One of the basketball players said.

“Dodged…? You guys should apologize for hitting her! Tateha’s right eye is…”

At that point, Ruri-chan fell silent.

Yes, normally, I could have dodged. But since my right eye is dead, I couldn’t notice.

It was Ruri-chan who killed my right eye.

“Tateha, let’s go to the nurse’s office. Can you stand?”

“Y-Yeah.”

Holding my right eye, I leaned on Ruri-chan’s shoulder.

“Are you okay, Tateha?”

On the way, Ruri-chan expressed her concern for me. Each time she did, I felt a sharp sting from the wrist I had harmed yesterday.

Tears threatened to spill along with the bl00d.

My heart felt cold, as if I had swallowed ice.

After laying me down on the bed in the nurse’s office, Ruri-chan tried to leave, but I grabbed her hand.

“Stay here, Ruri-chan.”

Ruri-chan let out a small sound before squeezing my hand back.