Irreversible Sadism (GL) - Chapter 6

Two days later, just about the time I had memorized most of my classmates’ names.

“Tateha!”

In the relaxed classroom, where yawns were frequent before homeroom began, only Ruri had a tense expression on her face.

“Oh, good morning, Ruri-chan.”

“You told Kururu about me, didn’t you?!”

Skipping the greeting, Ruri leaned forward and placed her hand on my desk.

She didn’t say exactly what had happened. If she did, everything she had built up until now would crumble in an instant.

“Um, I’m sorry, Ruri-chan. It’s just that Kururu really wanted to know about you from elementary school.”

“But still…”

From her lips, only a voice emerged like waves crashing against a dam.

“I didn’t say anything about you. About Tateha… and yet, this is terrible.”

“I didn’t mean to trouble you, Ruri-chan. I thought that by knowing about your past, Kururu and I could become closer. I didn’t think it through. I’m really sorry…”

I knew everything. I knew that Ruri had been hiding it all this time. I knew she was trying to live a life completely opposite to that past she didn’t want anyone to know about.

“Ruri-chan, we might get overheard here. Shouldn’t we move somewhere else?”

I took Ruri to the restroom. At first, there were people, but when the bell rang, they left, and soon it was just the two of us inside.

“Now that it’s homeroom time, no one will come in.”

Just to be safe, I entered a stall and locked the door. A small room, just the two of us. It felt suffocating, with no escape, surrounded by white walls. Here, isolated from the outside world, we didn’t have to worry about the common sense of reality.

“Why did you talk about the abuse I suffered?”

My hand, which had tried to grab her collar, faltered and fell. Instead, Ruri’s eyes pierced through me with resentment. Yet, there was an overwhelming sense of guilt pouring out, rendering her powerless.

“Back then, you seemed really distressed. I once went to the shrine to see you. You were in the woods, weren’t you?”

Ruri stepped back. But behind her was only a wall. Neither of us had an escape.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything back then. I couldn’t help you. I thought Kururu would be able to help you since she seems to get along well with you. I never intended to belittle you, Ruri-chan. Please believe me?”

Homeroom ended, and the first-period bell rang. I could faintly hear voices from the hallway, but there were fewer than in the morning. Every time someone passed by the restroom, both Ruri and I flinched, but fortunately, no one came in.

“But, Ruri-chan, you’re at fault too, you know?”

“Me?”

“Because yesterday, you said you’d do anything, but you didn’t. Did you lie to me, Ruri-chan?”

“I didn’t lie. But that wish… I can’t grant it… I can’t hurt Tateha again.”

“Hmm, so it’s okay then?”

I was surprised by the low voice that came out of me. The echo felt so heavy that I hurriedly switched the pitch of my voice.

“If you don’t keep your promise, Ruri-chan, I have my own ideas, you know?”

“…Ideas?”

Ruri frowned, her expression showing that she was searching for a way to postpone the problem rather than solve it.

“There’s something you don’t want anyone to know. It might be about the abuse, but there’s another thing, isn’t there? The thing you fear the most.”

As I pointed to my right eye, sweat beaded on Ruri’s forehead.

“What do you think would happen if I told everyone in class that this right eye was made blind by you?”

In the silence that followed the start of the first period, I could almost hear Ruri’s breath hitch. A sound like bones creaking came from her mouth.

“I can see how hard you’ve worked until now, Ruri-chan. You’ve become kind, cheerful, and a good girl everyone relies on. You even got appointed as class representative, so you must have a lot of friends. I’m really happy and proud that you’ve become such a wonderful person.”

That meant that I, as a presence, had stuck to Ruri’s life like black mold, never leaving. The thought that I could influence someone was something I had never considered before.

“But you know? That’s not really who you are, Ruri-chan, is it? You try to eliminate anyone you don’t like by force. No matter what means you use, as long as it benefits you, you don’t care what the other person goes through. That’s the kind of person you are, Ruri-chan. You stab people with mechanical pencils, try to drown them by pushing their faces into buckets, and you can easily burn wounds with a lighter.”

At that moment, I heard a noise from far away. It seemed there were others skipping the first period too.

“Was someone there?”

Ruri turned around sharply. Her once beautifully flowing hair now looked like a tangled mess.

“Ah, that’s scary, isn’t it? If they heard us, it would be over.”

“Tateha…”

“Don’t worry, I won’t say anything. I’ll say it again, I don’t resent you, Ruri-chan. I’ve forgiven everything that happened back then, so it’s okay.”

But when I added that, Ruri staggered.

“If you don’t listen to me, I might accidentally tell Kururu about you, just like this time.”

The color drained from Ruri’s lips, and the pink that had once looked like a flower turned into a toxic hue. It looked like bl00d was seeping from the cracks as her mouth opened wide.

“…What should I do?”

“Just like I said before. I like pain.”

I placed my hand on the back of Ruri’s neck, pulling her closer and whispering in her ear.

“So, will you listen to me?”

When I pulled my face away, I saw Ruri biting her lip.

“It’s a trade-off. If you do what I say, I won’t tell anyone about you anymore. Okay?”

“…I understand. Please don’t say anything, absolutely.”

Ruri trembled like a puppy that had been suddenly abandoned by its owner, left to the rain with nowhere to go.

I extended my pinky finger, and Ruri hesitantly linked hers with mine. We intertwined our pinkies, sealing our agreement.

“With this, the negotiation is complete.”

“What do I need to do?”

“Well, first, I want you to fill a bucket with water. The bucket is in the cleaning supplies closet. Oh, and fill it to the brim.”

Ruri frowned for a moment but soon exited the stall and began filling the bucket with water.

“I’ve filled it.”

“Thank you, Ruri-chan! Now, pour it on me?”

“Huh?”

“I mean, pour it from above.”

There was no way she didn’t understand. After all, she was the one who came up with the idea. There’s a limit to pretending not to know. Ruri, unable to escape the flood of memories, brought the bucket over my head.

“Tateha… I really can’t do this.”

“I’ll say it.”

That word was the signal. Ruri tipped the bucket over my head.

A torrent of water poured down on me. The sensation of my bangs sticking to my face was overwhelming. It felt nostalgic. Once drenched, I couldn’t help but think of the act that was about to begin. My body tingled, and all I could feel was the urge to hurry.

Even though it was so cold, my body was heating up.

“Look, Ruri-chan.”

I began to unbutton my soaked blouse, one button at a time.

“I wore a swimsuit underneath.”

I revealed the navy blue swimsuit I had worn under my uniform. Ruri’s eyes widened in surprise, as if she were captivated.

“I’ve been wearing it all along because I wanted you to do this for me.”

Since the entrance ceremony, after we had reunited, I had made sure to wear a swimsuit to school, ready for whenever that moment would come. And now, that moment had arrived.

“I have a mechanical pencil too. You’ll do it for me, right, Ruri-chan?”

To everyone else, it might just be a piece of stationery. It served only to draw lines in notebooks, but to me, it was a blade to cut through this skin. The sight of its silver tip looking up at me like a scythe was what I had been longing for.

Even if I tried to stab myself, I couldn’t see that sight. This miracle wouldn’t happen unless someone directed their hostility toward me.

Ruri took the mechanical pencil, but her hand was shaking. So I gently held her hand.

“It’s okay, Ruri-chan. You can do it. After all, you did so much for me, right? Even when I screamed that it hurt! Even when I begged you to stop, you didn’t stop stabbing.”

As the lead of the mechanical pencil penetrated my skin, Ruri watched me with a beaming smile. She must have been on the edge of happiness, her cheeks flushed.

“Come on, stab me, stab me, Ruri-chan.”

I lifted my skirt, exposing my thigh.

“Maybe there are still some marks left here, where you stabbed me. Want to take a closer look?”

I placed my hand on Ruri’s head and guided her closer to my thigh. Ruri’s breath brushed against the places that had once been gouged, sending shivers down my spine.

The wounds that had already healed were trying to reclaim the cries I had given them that day. The fresh bl00d reaching my socks flashed back in my mind repeatedly.

“See? Stab me there?”

A cold sensation touched my thigh. A sharp pain shot through my body.

If I tried to do it myself, I would definitely stop here. My skin repelled the foreign object; this was the greatest barrier.

“Please, Ruri-chan.”

If only I could get past this, if only she would get past it.

“Ruri-chan!”

The moment I called her name, a piercing light struck through my skull.

“Ah!”

A sound escaped me. I looked up at the restroom ceiling, gasping for breath.

“It hurts, it hurts! Stop…! Ruri-chan!”

Even though I was saying to stop, Ruri kept pushing deeper into my body. Rather than stopping, the pain intensified with each passing second. I was tormented by a sensation as if my ears were stuffed with something, overwhelmed by an unending torrent of pain.

I had been searching for this all along.

It was an endless journey, like searching for flowers in a desert devoid of vegetation.

It was painful. It was hard.

I thought about giving up.

But now, I had finally found it. On the barren sand, it bloomed beautifully. That flower, swaying in the wind while desperately rooting itself, felt like a gift from God for me, who had struggled to live.

“Don’t stop, don’t stop, Ruri-chan.”

I wouldn’t let her hands loosen.

“If it’s you, Ruri-chan, you can go further, right? You can do it, right? Back then, you did even more—”

With a squelch, the lead of the mechanical pencil reached the precious, protected nerve endings. I lost the ability to voice anything, forgetting to wipe the drool dripping from my mouth, captivated by the flickering of my brain like electricity.

It was pain beyond what I could endure. Every time I cried out in pain, tears streamed down my face, and as I clenched my teeth to endure, snot dripped out as if expelled. My face was already a mess.

“Ruri-chan, there, more… Ah!?”

The limit came suddenly. As the lead of the mechanical pencil broke, the tip slammed into the wound with that momentum. What touched me was the silver rigidity and Ruri’s moist fingertips.

It felt as if my veins were being burned, and heat spread from my chest to my fingertips. My limbs stretched out as if I were in rigor mortis, and my consciousness was clouded. My back trembled, and my breath quickened and became shallow.

It was the same as that day when I hit my stomach on the vaulting horse. The severed wires connected in an instant, and I reached an absolute point where the amount of information exceeded my brain’s control level, scorching my thoughts.

In that moment of losing myself in a sense of accomplishment, bliss, and fulfillment, letting out a beast-like cry, I might have come closest to the scenery seen in the moment of death.

Finally, I calmed my breath and opened my eyes. My neck was damp with sweat.

Ruri was crying, clutching the mechanical pencil tightly.

“I didn’t change to do something like this… I want to be a normal person. I don’t want to be someone who hurts others anymore! So…”

“No, Ruri-chan. You’re misunderstanding. Humans can’t change.”

I gently enveloped Ruri’s hand.

“I tried to change too. I thought it was strange to like pain, and I had to fix it, so I lived until today. But it was impossible. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find happiness outside of pain.”

I wanted to experience a normal romance, to gain warmth as a person, to attain ordinary happiness. I had to attain it. How many times had I thought that?

But I couldn’t change. Before I knew it, I was sneaking around, hurting my own body. That was the life I had been living.

“Humans cannot change. Ruri-chan, you are someone who can easily hurt others. You can never be a kind child. But that’s okay, it’s fine just the way it is. Those sinful hands that pierced the eyeball will surely never be loved by anyone. The only one who can forgive those hands is me. That’s why we had no choice but to end up like this. From the very beginning, everything was wrong, since elementary school.”

The tip of the mechanical pencil was still stained with my fresh bl00d. I gently stroked Ruri-chan’s trembling fingertips, brushing away the dust that had accumulated over the years.

“I’m sorry, Ruri-chan. Tell Kururu-chan about the abuse you suffered. I won’t say anything more. I won’t tell anyone what kind of person you really are.”

I pulled Ruri-chan’s fingers closer and placed them once more against my thigh.

“So, will you? Aren’t you satisfied yet?”

“Tateha, this is really okay.”

“Yeah. This can only be done by you, Ruri-chan. It’s good because it’s you.”

The pressure intensified. It entered my skin more smoothly than before.

Amidst the broken breaths, I looked at Ruri-chan, who was piercing the mechanical pencil with a tearful expression.

“Ah, yes… that’s right, Ruri-chan… ah, it hurts… it hurts, help me, I’m going to die… this will kill me.”

From somewhere in a classroom during lessons, I heard someone laugh. Surely, it was the class clown who had given a strange answer when called upon by the teacher. A cheerful atmosphere. For some, that might feel like happiness.

But for me, for us, it wasn’t like that.

“Ah, hey, hey… Ruri-chan…”

Tinnitus must be the result of expelling excess waste and collecting thick, sticky bl00d. My head felt heavy, my thoughts unfocused.

“Once you change, you can never… go back to the way things were… do you know that?”

Even while skipping class, I pretended to be in one.

Ruri-chan, with the mechanical pencil stabbed into my thigh, stared intently at my face as I cried out in pain. As I felt the sharp hostility and unreasonable extermination ideology that constituted the essence of Ruri Miyama, hidden behind those eyes pretending to be gentle, I was caressed by a spring breeze that felt almost ironic against my cheek.

“They say that kind of thing… is irreversible.”

With a whoosh, I heard the sound of wind blowing through my hollow space again.