Longing for Love (Twice Reborn) - Chapter 4

In her previous life, Juchen had been young and full of vigor, always hoping her parents would be proud of her. Given the chance to enter the palace, she never saw marriage as anything particularly desirable.

Even now, she still didn’t believe that marriage was the only path for a woman. Compared to arranged marriages or blind unions, she felt fortunate to have taken the path of a female official, where she met the one who truly captured her heart.

And that person had taught her with his life that love means not being able to bear seeing the other suffer.

Her second sister had the favored Lady Wu as her backing, so she had no worries about marrying well.

Her third brother was the apple of Li Ling’s eye, and he would naturally pave the way for him.

But her mother, in her efforts to please her father, had chosen a much harder path for her.

After Li Ling left, Lady Wen seemed somewhat remorseful. She took Juchen’s hand and comforted her, “A-Niang asked you to enter the palace because I wanted you to stand on your own, to show your father that sons aren’t necessarily better than daughters.”

After giving birth to Juchen, Lady Wen had struggled to conceive again. A fortune teller claimed that Juchen’s destiny was too strong, overshadowing any potential male heirs, and that she needed to be sent away to invite a son. Coincidentally, the refined Princess Xianning wanted to raise a girl as a companion for Princess Xuyang, and Juchen was chosen.

Even after she left home for years, Lady Wen still didn’t conceive.

Eventually, Li Ling took Lady Wu as his concubine.

In her past life, Juchen had believed her mother genuinely thought she could stand on her own. Like when she became the first female official to be exceptionally promoted to the fourth rank, Lady Wen had stood tall in front of others, proudly declaring, “Chen’er is exceptionally talented. If she had married, she wouldn’t have achieved such a splendid future.”

But when Juchen, driven by her ideals, began opposing conservative ministers like Li Ling, her mother turned away from her and sided with her father, gritting her teeth as she said, “I should have married you off early! Then you wouldn’t be causing chaos in court and angering your father!”
“Why couldn’t you have been a son? If you were, you wouldn’t be standing against your father now.”

It was then that Juchen realized her mother had always resented her for not being a son.

The brazier in the room still burned warmly as Lady Wen held her daughter’s hand, urging her to strive harder. “Those people in Luoxia Pavilion are nothing but foxes. Lady Wu and your second sister only know how to flatter your father. Chen’er must never become like them. As long as you distinguish yourself in front of Her Majesty the Empress Dowager, your father won’t look down on us.”

Juchen had always been proud and ambitious since childhood. In the past, hearing such words, she would have firmly replied, “I will.”
But now, she seemed lost in thought.

Lady Wen called her name again, and only then did Juchen snap out of it.

Noticing the shadow in Juchen’s eyes, Lady Wen glanced at her book box and asked, “What did you read last night?”

Juchen paused before answering, “Records of the Three Kingdoms. I happened to read about Zhao Zilong rescuing his lord.”

Lady Wen nodded approvingly. “The Three Kingdoms is good full of strategy and military tactics. It’s the kind of book young men enjoy.”

Juchen wanted to say that she read it simply because she liked it, that what books one read had nothing to do with gender. But she held back.

Lady Wen turned and went into the inner room, returning with several newly purchased books on military strategy and history, recommending them to her.

Each recommendation ended with the same line: “Read more of the books men enjoy.”

With that, Lady Wen placed the books into Juchen’s book box.

Juchen watched her mother’s busy figure.

The sad truth was, she could understand her all too well.

As the legitimate wife who had failed to bear a son for the Li family, Wen Shi had long been the subject of society’s ridicule. Her heart was filled with bitterness how could anyone blame her for anything?

In Wen Shi’s eyes, only if Juchen excelled would Li Ling show them the slightest mercy. That was why Juchen had always believed that if she ever lost her value, no one in this world would love her.

In her past life, Juchen had spent nearly her entire existence striving to meet others’ expectations. When she finally found something she wanted to do for herself, everyone opposed her.

Wen Shi opened the book box, took out Juchen’s calligraphy practice sheets, and examined them for a moment before shaking her head with a sigh. “Your handwriting is still too delicate, lacking boldness.”

Juchen paused. “But some people say it’s beautiful.”

Noticing the faint resistance in her daughter’s expression, Wen Shi softened her tone. “I didn’t say it isn’t beautiful. It’s just too gentle, lacking the vigorous energy of ambition. You should practice more from the works of renowned male calligraphers their strokes carry grandeur.”

Wen Shi continued her earnest lecturing, only to turn and find Juchen staring at her blankly. “What’s wrong? Mother only wants what’s best for you. Don’t find it tiresome.”

Juchen hesitated, then after a brief silence, she stepped forward and looped her arm through her mother’s, forcing a smile. “Mother, I was just thinking if Lady Mi had known Liu Shan would grow up to be an utterly hopeless ruler, would she still have chosen to throw herself into the well, sacrificing her life to deliver him into Zhao Zilong’s hands?”

“There’s no such thing as ‘if she had known’!”

Juchen nodded. “You’re right. I must have been too absorbed in my reading last night. I dozed off and had a nightmare I dreamed I was Liu Shan, but Zhao Zilong never came, and in the end, I died.”

Though she knew it was just a jest, Wen Shi immediately chided her, “Don’t say such inauspicious things!”

Juchen chuckled. “If something really happened to me one day, would you grieve?”

Wen Shi poked her forehead. “How could I not?”

“And if I really were Liu Shan, would you give your life to hand me over to Zhao Zilong?” Juchen fixed her with a steady gaze. “Would you trade your life for mine?”

Wen Shi stiffened, then scolded with a frown, “What nonsense are you thinking about, child?”

On her way back to her room, Juchen walked in a daze.

Distracted, she turned a corner and collided with two people hurrying from the opposite direction. Both parties staggered, and the maid’s armful of fabric tumbled to the ground.

“Who’s so blind they can’t watch where they’re going?” the maid snapped. Once she steadied herself and recognized Juchen, her tone turned mocking. “Oh, it’s the Eldest Miss.”

Juchen glanced at her. “I’m in no mood to punish you today, so consider yourself spared an apology.”

Du Juan’s face stiffened as she bent to gather the fabric. “What kind of talk is that, Eldest Miss? It wasn’t me who bumped into you. I only spoke out of turn because I was in a hurry.” She glanced at the fabric in her hands and couldn’t resist boasting, “Besides, this is the new fur coat Master specially ordered for the Second Miss the latest style from the capital, first batch of stock. It was hard to secure. If it had been damaged, you’d have had even more trouble explaining.”

Before she could finish, Li Wanyu cut in, “Du Juan, Eldest Sister didn’t do it on purpose. Can’t you see she’s in a bad mood?”

Her words sounded like a reprimand, but they dripped with sarcasm. Juchen lifted her eyes to meet Li Wanyu’s gaze the girl’s chin was raised haughtily.

She had long heard rumors that her father intended to send her elder sister to the palace, which likely meant she herself might remain an old maid forever.

After all, with so many noble ladies entering the palace, who could guarantee that every one of them would rise to prominence?

Li Wanyu had always disliked this sister, and now that she had received such good news, she naturally couldn’t resist mocking her.

But Juchen didn’t engage in their usual rivalry as she had in the past.

Instead, she simply bent down to pick up the fallen fabric, handed it back to Li Wanyu with an indifferent expression, and turned to leave without another word.

Li Wanyu and her maid, Dujuan, were both taken aback.

Juchen couldn’t be bothered with them and walked away.

Yet Li Wanyu called after her, asking, “Are you attending the palace banquet at the end of the year?”

Recently, the Princess of Guangping had expressed interest in selecting a wife for her son, the heir apparent, during the banquet. And since the heir had always been on good terms with Juchen even once declaring his wish to marry her Li Wanyu couldn’t help but probe.

Juchen, knowing full well that Li Wanyu dreamed of marrying into a prestigious family, simply replied that she needed to focus on her studies and wouldn’t have time to attend.

The two sisters had been at odds for years. In the past, even if Juchen disdained competing, she would have at least retorted with a few sharp words.

But now, she seemed completely indifferent, which puzzled Li Wanyu.

Mingluan, following Juchen, couldn’t help but voice the same confusion.

Juchen smiled faintly and said, “Because I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf and reform myself.”

In the past, she and her younger sister had always caused chaos at home. Her sister was particularly skilled at playing the victim whenever something happened, she would slander Juchen outside. Back then, Juchen had been young and reckless, careless about her reputation, which led outsiders to believe she was a domineering and aggressive girl who constantly bullied her sisters.

Not that she was entirely innocent after all, her sister could neither out argue nor outfight her, yet still had the audacity to provoke her repeatedly.

But now that she had resolved to become a proper lady, she wouldn’t stoop to her sister’s level.

Mingluan pressed, “So you’re really not going to the banquet for the heir’s bride selection?”

Juchen answered firmly, “Of course not.”

In her past life, Juchen had attended purely to spite Li Wanyu, deliberately stirring up trouble.

That banquet had become infamous. To provoke her sister, knowing full well the heir had no intention of marrying, she had conspired with him not only rejecting him in front of Li Wanyu but also getting him to declare he would wait for her until she turned thirty.

In an instant, she had offended nearly half the noble maidens in the capital, who, unaware of the truth, saw her as nothing more than a seductress. Later, when she tried to implement policies, they all despised her, refusing to trust or cooperate with her.

This was how her reputation had been ruined, step by step…

This time, she would not repeat the same mistakes.

Li Wanyu, having secured Juchen’s promise, watched her retreating figure and let out a small sigh of relief.

Since ancient times, marriage had been the most significant event in a woman’s life equivalent to a second birth.

Li Wanyu, favored by her father, had always held a higher status than Juchen at home. But in the eyes of outsiders, she was neither as beautiful nor as talented as her elder sister.

With the Empress Dowager now in power, women serving as officials had indeed become a new possibility for the era.

But Li Wanyu lacked the courage to be a trailblazer. She still believed that marriage was a woman’s proper path.

And she had lofty standards she was determined to marry into the most prestigious family in the capital, ensuring her elder sister could never catch up, making sure that whenever people spoke of the Li family’s daughters, it would be her, the second daughter, they remembered.

At present, the imperial Song clan only had two eligible bachelors of marriageable age. One was Prince Guangping’s heir, Yun her most suitable match.

As for the other, even a celestial maiden wouldn’t dare entertain too many fantasies.

After returning to her room, Juchen went to the bookshelf, opened a case, and carefully stored the books her mother had given her. Then she sat at her desk, tidied her study materials and calligraphy papers, and flipped to the bottom layer of the case, retrieving a bookmark.

It was a recently dried white orchid a casual souvenir Song Mi had brought back for her from Taiyuan. He said he had stumbled upon it along the way and thought a young lady might like it.

But in this season, where could one even find white orchids?

Juchen cradled it in her palm, leaned back in her chair, and raised her hand to eye level, staring unblinkingly at the flower as memories flooded her mind.

She had been reborn at that grand wedding banquet.

Moments before, she had been slumped drunkenly against his grave, sharing a drink with his tombstone.

So drunk she could barely think, she had in her haze grabbed someone who looked just like him.

She remembered he hadn’t attended that wedding, but perhaps it was because they weren’t yet acquainted, so she had no memory of him being there.

In any case, when Juchen sobered up, she found herself already nestled in his arms.

Back then, she had no experience, so she panicked, overwhelmed by shame, and her first instinct was to flee.

Only later did she realize it had been a heaven sent opportunity.

Hadn’t he once lamented that they had never done anything together? This was the perfect chance to make up for it.

At their second meeting, Juchen mustered her courage and intercepted him.

But his expression was so cold, as if he wanted nothing to do with her.

It took her a long moment to realize oh no, she was too early.

He didn’t like her yet.

In truth, she had no idea when he had even begun to like her.

But there was no turning back now. Even if she wanted to reshape her image, to craft a respectable impression in the eyes of the world, the beginning between them had already veered irreversibly off course.

Juchen brooded for a while, but soon shrugged it off. It didn’t matter if he didn’t like her yet she was content just being near him.

And so, shamelessly, she solidified their fleeting romance that day.

The third time, it was Juchen who sought him out.