Longing for Love (Twice Reborn) - Chapter 63

A sharp, searing pain in her chest jolted Juchen awake from the bedside.

She sat up abruptly as if struck from behind. Just like in her past life, a mouthful of fresh bl00d gushed from her lips, splattering across the pristine white bedding in stark, crimson stains.

Even though it was merely an old dream, the heart wrenching agony felt just as unbearable as before.

Mingluan, startled by her sudden movement, rushed in with a candle. Her steps faltered at the sight of bl00d by the bed.

Memories from her previous life flashed vividly before Juchen’s eyes. Gasping for air like a drowning woman resurfacing, she sat on the edge of the bed, clutching Mingluan’s trembling hand. “I’m fine just a nightmare.”

Mingluan’s eyes reddened with fright. After scrutinizing Juchen for a long moment to ensure nothing else was amiss, she finally rose to change the soiled bedding.

As Juchen waited, her gaze drifted to the moonlight outside. Silver beams spilled over the huanghuali chair by the window, pure and luminous, piercingly bright.

She stared at it for a long while, yet her heart remained clouded with confusion.

By the next day, the bloodstains had been scrubbed clean by Mingluan, and the bedding hung under the sun, fresh as new.

Gazing at the restored whiteness, Juchen resolved not to repeat past mistakes.

Thus, three days later, at the early spring flower viewing banquet.

When Juchen suddenly encountered a scene identical to her past life, her hands clenched tightly. After much hesitation, she chose a completely different path this time.

At the banquet, Princess Xuyang had been playing drinking games with other princesses and lost spectacularly, ending up thoroughly drunk.

Attending to the Empress Dowager, Juchen was ordered to escort Xuyang to the side chamber Qinfu Pavilion to rest.

The decree felt eerily familiar. The moment “Qinfu Pavilion” was mentioned, a memory surged from the depths of Juchen’s heart.

In her past life, shortly after Xuyang and Yuan Zheng’s marriage, they appeared harmonious but secretly harbored resentment. Until one palace banquet, both got drunk and coincidentally stayed at Qinfu Pavilion, where they consummated their marriage by accident.

Their disheveled state on the bed was witnessed by many palace attendants.

After that day, Xuyang gradually accepted Yuan Zheng as her husband, and the two began to adapt to each other.

Juchen had believed it was their first time as husband and wife and had always been happy for them.

That day, after dressing properly, a blushing Xuyang emerged from the room.

Like the other attendants, Juchen congratulated them.

Looking back now, Juchen realized how wrong her joy and congratulations had been.

Especially when she led Xuyang into Qinfu Pavilion and caught a whiff of an unusual fragrance in the air. Juchen’s eyes turned sharp, her expression icy.

Without a word, she turned and guided Xuyang away.

Had this been twenty-year-old Juchen, she wouldn’t have noticed anything amiss. But having lived longer and seen more, she recognized that scent one she had encountered once in her past life.

The memory was so vivid she could never forget it. In an instant, she identified it: an aphrodisiac incense.

Xuyang, her gaze unfocused, inhaled the familiar white orchid scent from Juchen’s sleeves and trusted her completely. When Juchen helped her inside, she went in; when Juchen led her out, she followed without question.

Juchen’s heart clenched, her eyes clouded with pain. So, their consummation in their past life was actually arranged by the Empress Dowager? And she was she the accomplice who forced Xu Yang to be with Yuan Zheng against his will?

If she hadn’t followed the Empress Dowager’s orders that day to lead Xu Yang to rest in the side chamber, they would never have slept together.

Nor would the subsequent events have occurred.

Juchen was no longer the naive girl she once was. Having spent so many years in this palace, caught in the whirlpool of power, she instinctively no longer believed in coincidences here.

Xu Yang was bold in his actions, yet meticulous. Had he not suddenly heard some secret news about the deposed emperor, he wouldn’t have taken such a reckless risk, launching a coup overnight, only to be caught in the end.

Yuan Zheng was in the dungeon at the time. If no one had deliberately leaked information, how could he have known about the enemy’s attack, or that they needed a general to lure the enemy?

Back then, the southern borders were also unstable. After the death of the Prince of Yunnan, the princess’s maternal clan had long sought to break away from the Liang dynasty, inciting the Yuan family to declare independence in the south.

Xu Yang’s coup brought the Feng family’s ambitions to light, creating irreconcilable conflict between the imperial family and the Fengs, laying the groundwork for the later deposition of the emperor. To save Xu Yang, Yuan Zheng was promised command of the northern campaign, using him to eliminate the strongest descendant of the Yuan family while consolidating military power in the south and quelling the unrest there.

In the end, Her Majesty, in this power struggle, yielding to public sentiment, deposed her son and ascended the throne, securing the Liang dynasty’s rule.

Only today did Juchen understand the meaning behind Yuan Zheng’s words: “She dotes on Xu Yang, but her favorite child is not Xu Yang.” Yuan Zheng had already seen through who was pulling the strings behind all this, yet for Xu Yang’s sake, he still chose to enter the game.

Recalling the faint smile he gave her at the city gates that day, Juchen’s eyes reddened with self-reproach for her own foolishness. Her heart ached with the thought: If Xu Yang and Yuan Zheng hadn’t been forced together, would this entire scheme never have been set in motion?

If Xu Yang had returned to Lin Zongbai’s side, and Yuan Zheng had gone back to inherit his title as Prince of Yunnan.

Would their endings have been different?

Without marital ties to the Liang imperial family, Yuan Zheng could have ruled his territory independently in Juchen’s eyes, that wouldn’t have been impossible. And if he had remained loyal to Liang, keeping the restless southern forces in check, Her Majesty wouldn’t have viewed him with suspicion.

Lin Zongbai stayed out of court politics. With Xu Yang by his side, he couldn’t control any faction. Without Yuan Zheng’s military influence, she couldn’t have launched the coup either.

If only they hadn’t been together, everything might not have repeated itself.

With this thought, Juchen abruptly turned, supporting Xu Yang as they walked deeper into another part of the palace.

—

Song Mi returned to the capital just as the palace banquet was about to begin.

The new official uniforms for the female officials had been completed.

Today’s spring banquet required their first formal wearing, and he was curious to see Juchen in the new attire. These uniforms incorporated the women’s own ideas and preferences, blending official dignity with feminine elegance. Song Mi had always assumed they would prefer bright, eye catching colors and elaborate embroidery, but the final designs submitted were surprisingly simple and light.

It was a rare occurrence in history for women to hold official positions.

Undeniably, female officials also wished to showcase themselves and shine brilliantly. However, since official robes were garments worn daily, after careful consideration, they agreed with Juchen’s proposal that comfort should be the top priority.

Song Mi recalled the memorial Juchen had submitted in her past life, requesting a change in official attire. The primary reason cited was discomfort in wearing them. He had initially thought it was merely one of her arguments to persuade him, but upon seeing the design drafts before him now, he realized she had been telling the truth.

There were inherent physical differences between men and women. Even when official robes were tailored to female proportions, the male oriented style remained too heavy in both fabric and design for them.

In his mind, Song Mi could already envision her graceful figure in the new official robes, with a relaxed and joyful smile gracing her lips.

After half a month of sorting through his emotions, he had also mentally prepared himself to reunite with her and carefully express the feelings he had never properly conveyed before.

Song Mi dismounted from his horse on the imperial road and entered the banquet hall.

At the banquet, many ladies, upon hearing the attendants at the entrance greet him respectfully, couldn’t help but rise from their seats, half hiding behind their fans as they stole glances in his direction.

Song Mi scanned the room but didn’t spot the familiar figure he was looking for.

Frowning slightly, he turned and swept his gaze over the various pavilions and towers in the garden outside, yet found no trace of Juchen.

The banquet hadn’t concluded yet, and as the Grand Empress Dowager’s personal attendant, it was unlikely she would have left early.

Standing at the entrance, a hint of doubt arose in his heart when suddenly, a commotion broke out from the table of female officials on the right side behind him, where Lu Yun and others were seated.

Xue Wan hurried over, her brows furrowed with worry, and said to them, “Juchen has somehow angered Her Majesty. She’s now ordered her to be taken back to Shoukang Palace I don’t know if she’ll be punished.”

Lu Yun abruptly stood up, knocking over the round stool beneath her with a creak. “How could that be? Didn’t Her Majesty always favor her the most? What exactly happened?”

“I’m not sure. I overheard bits and pieces in the chaos it seems she hid the Eldest Princess? When Her Majesty asked where the princess was, Juchen outright ignored her and refused to answer in front of everyone.”

“Hid the princess? She’s always been on good terms with Her Highness why would she do such a thing? Why?”

Why?

Inside Shoukang Palace, the Grand Empress Dowager sat high on the throne, looking down at the silent young girl before her. No matter how much she pondered, she could not understand why Juchen would defy her.

The Grand Empress Dowager asked again, her voice gentle: “This one ordered you to take Xuyang to Qin Fu Garden. Where did you take her instead?”

Pei, the palace attendant, had escorted Prince Consort Yuan to Qin Fu Garden, only to return and report that Xuyang wasn’t there. The Grand Empress Dowager immediately sought out Juchen. Throughout the ordeal, her expression remained calm, and to avoid humiliating Juchen publicly, she had even brought her back to the palace for questioning.

The Grand Empress Dowager was so gentle so gentle that Juchen had initially resolved to remain silent and accept her punishment. But now, kneeling on the ground and lifting her gaze to meet the Grand Empress Dowager’s kind eyes, she couldn’t help but speak: “Your Majesty, where exactly does Ranran stand in your heart?”

“Did you take Xuyang away because you sensed something unusual in that room?”

With just that opening sentence, the Empress Dowager had already keenly discerned her thoughts. Shaking her head with a wry smile, she said, “You’re quite alert, girl. Had I known, I wouldn’t have asked you to escort her. I thought since Xuyang trusts you more that child usually seems careless but is actually quite vigilant. When drunk, ordinary people might not be able to lead her away.”

“So, you had me betray her trust in me?”

The words had barely left her lips when Juchen, fully aware of their audacity, still raised her eyes and fixed them steadily ahead.

The Empress Dowager didn’t rebuke her for the question. After a moment of silence, she stood and walked over to Juchen, sighing, “I thought you shared my wish for them to live happily together. It seems I was mistaken.”

Juchen had indeed thought so before. She had always hoped they would be happy together, as a proper married couple.

Even now, she still wished them well to simply stay alive.

Kneeling upright, Juchen looked up at the Empress Dowager’s features, which bore an eighty percent resemblance to Xuyang’s, and a bitter taste rose in her mouth. “Does Your Majesty truly wish for their happiness? Or is it the provocation from the Princess of Yunnan that displeased you? Otherwise, why resort to such methods? Have you considered whether Xuyang is willing?”

One after another, her words today were all irreverent, her expression one of fearless abandon.

Perhaps it was her genuine desire to protect Xuyang, or perhaps it was a rare display of her true nature an unusual boldness. The Empress Dowager didn’t react angrily to her defiance. Instead, she turned and seated herself back on the high chair at the front of the hall, motioning for Juchen to rise and meet her gaze as equals.

The Empress Dowager studied her intently. “I was indeed angered by my in-law’s disrespect.”

That Juchen could discern this layer surprised her, as she had never shown any outward dissatisfaction.

Xuyang was the Empress Dowager’s only daughter. She knew her child’s proud nature and that her strained relationship with her in laws had its reasons.

But the Princess of Yunnan, fully aware that Xuyang was her treasured jewel, still nitpicked and showed no courtesy, acting as though her long held dominance entitled her to arrogance.

Looking back, the Princess’s actions had always been testing the Empress Dowager’s limits. No sooner had the Empress Dowager allowed Xuyang to return to the capital, free from her in laws’ control, than the Princess turned around and sought to take concubines for Yuan Zheng. To the Empress Dowager, this was nothing short of a provocation.

And given the Empress Dowager’s temperament, she would never tolerate anyone challenging her authority and power.

This sowed the seeds for Yuan Zheng’s later fate his body lost without a trace.

In their previous life, when the northern frontier fell into peril, had the Empress Dowager considered Yuan Zheng’s status as the imperial son-in-law and refrained from thoughts of total annihilation, she could have endured temporarily, reconciled with the current emperor, and persuaded the Feng family to relent, pardoning Xuyang instead of agreeing to let Yuan Zheng lead the troops.

But despite all her calculations, she never anticipated how deeply Xuyang’s feelings for Yuan Zheng ran.

Just as when she later visited Xuyang, who had just recovered from a severe illness, and caressed her slightly rounded belly, saying, “There are plenty of good men in the world. Your mother will surely find a better father for your child.”

She thought Xuyang would recover in a few years, but instead, her actions plunged their mother-daughter relationship into an abyss.

She desired peace for the realm and sought to eliminate the rebellious intentions of the Yunnan Prince’s estate. For this, she lost her beloved daughter.

Did the Empress Regent ever regret it? Yes.

On the day Xuyang passed away in sorrow, the ever-diligent Empress Regent suspended court for seven days.

She sat alone behind the beaded curtain, as if aged overnight, holding Juchen’s hand in silence for a long while before murmuring, “I miss Ranran dearly.”

Juchen had witnessed her remorse and now tried earnestly to persuade her if she only considered the current political situation, controlling their marriage without respecting Ranran’s own heart, “In the future, Your Majesty, you will surely regret it!”

She even began recounting to the Empress Dowager various memories of Xuyang’s childhood. Gradually, a soft light surfaced in the Empress Dowager’s eyes as she sank into endless tender recollections.

Just when Juchen thought she might succeed in persuading her to spare Xuyang and Yuan Zheng, the Empress Dowager’s reminiscing gaze refocused on her face.

After studying her for a long moment, she smiled and said, “You truly have a silver tongue you almost convinced me. Do you coax Zhengzhi like this in bed as well?”

Juchen stiffened, her lips parting slightly. The resolute beauty in her eyes from moments ago now flickered with waves of panic.