Longing for Love (Twice Reborn) - Chapter 64
“Have you ever coaxed him like this?”
Juchen took a deep breath, bowing low until her forehead touched the ground.
“This subject wouldn’t dare.”
The Empress Dowager narrowed her eyes, silently observing her with an inscrutable expression that was, for a moment, identical to Song Mi’s.
At times like these, Juchen could never decipher their thoughts.
Her head remained lowered, palms pressed against the floor as her heart lurched erratically under the weight of that silent scrutiny. Her lips parted and closed repeatedly, yet no words emerged.
She wanted to confess her wrongdoings, yet feared being misunderstood as harboring ulterior motives though she was indeed scheming for her son, and had truly seduced him with her charms.
After a prolonged silence, the Empress Dowager stepped forward and lifted Juchen’s chin.
“I’ve always wondered,” she mused, her lips curved in a smile that didn’t reach her frost-laden words, “how my son who’s always looked down on others suddenly took a lover outside. Now that I see it’s you, I understand.” Her fingers traced Juchen’s jawline. “Truly exquisite. Even I feel pity stirring in my heart, let alone others who can’t forget you.”
The slip had occurred half a month prior. When Song Mi returned to the capital to report, he’d been heading toward the Palace of Longevity and Health. Yet upon hearing the Phoenix Pavilion had caught fire, he had abandoned his official duties without hesitation.
He could claim the next morning that exhaustion from his journey had compelled him to rest at his residence first. But the Empress Dowager had already investigated his movements, having prepared his favorite midnight snack that evening only to learn he’d instead gone to the Crane Residence, spending the entire night alone with Li Juchen.
The silence stretched, time seeming to freeze. If one listened closely, Juchen’s frantic heartbeat might have been audible.
The young woman maintained a facade of composure, though her lashes trembled imperceptibly when their gazes met under the Empress Dowager’s scrutiny.
Noticing the fear in Juchen’s eyes, the Empress Dowager suddenly released her. “Don’t be afraid. Beauty is a weapon, and knowing how to wield it proves your intelligence. I admire clever people especially girls so young yet so astute. Nothing like how I was at your age.”
A flicker of confusion crossed Juchen’s face as the Empress Dowager continued warmly, “I entered the palace at fifteen, relying solely on my looks. Yet after arriving, I never gained favor. I wasn’t as clever as you I didn’t know to use beauty to capture a man’s desire first. I always hoped to be special, to never serve as anyone’s replacement.” Her expression softened momentarily.
“When the late emperor passed, I cried in terror, believing I’d be buried alive in his mausoleum. That was when I conceived Song Mi. Or perhaps it’s more accurate to say he chose me as his mother, saving my life.”
For a brief moment, genuine tenderness surfaced on the future empress’s face a vulnerability Juchen had never witnessed before. This woman who always held herself aloft, her pleasant mask as seamless as real skin, revealing nothing of her true thoughts.
But in that instant, her emotion had been undeniably real.
“On the day I gave birth to him, I happened to be recuperating and praying at a Taoist temple atop Peng Mountain. Thus, when he was born, neither the imperial palace nor the late emperor knew that auspicious clouds had descended from the heavens that day. The moment he came into this world, the mountaintop was bathed in radiant crimson light stretching thousands of miles, with a brilliant beam descending from the firmament. Just above an orchid blooming on the mountainside, the sky split open. The old temple master, witnessing this extraordinary phenomenon, cast a divination for him and declared he bore the countenance of an emperor, yet was destined to face a calamity a woman. Should he fall in love with her, his fortune would be severed. He would abandon the throne for her and plunge into an abyss of eternal damnation.”
Juchen’s eyes widened as she immersed herself in the divination described, recalling her past life, her heart sinking involuntarily.
“I was quite fearful of this prophecy for a long time. Later, seeing his aloof demeanor toward women, I found it absurd. Just look at his disposition could there truly be anyone in this world capable of capturing his heart?”
The Empress Dowager suddenly laughed softly, turning her gaze to the girl kneeling on the floor. “So, are you that woman?”
Juchen’s heart clenched. She pressed her hands to the ground, her fingers slowly tightening. The Empress Dowager approached her, bending down to meet her eyes, and asked in a grave tone, “Has he ever said he loves you?”
Juchen lowered her gaze and answered truthfully, “Not yet, for now.”
The Empress Dowager nodded slightly and hummed in acknowledgment. “He did tell me he wouldn’t marry you, that it was just a dalliance. So, he hasn’t fallen in love yet?”
Judging by the progression of their past life, he likely hadn’t.
After all, Juchen should still have been in Jiangyang at this time, having just had their first argument after his return from Tibet.
There was no way he could have fallen for her during their first quarrel. No one would willingly subject themselves to such torment. At this stage, they shouldn’t even have had the chance to interact.
“In that case, before he falls for you, end this relationship.”
Juchen abruptly raised her head, biting her lower lip, her fearful and flustered expression betraying a deep reluctance.
“You refuse.” The Empress Dowager studied her face and concluded with a long sigh. “Juchen, this is the second time today you’ve defied me.”
The Empress Dowager straightened up and returned to her high backed chair at the front, frowning as she said, “I must punish you.”
Having opposed her will, punishment was inevitable. Juchen pressed her forehead to the ground, offering no defense.
“Since it is your appearance that has won his favor, harming your flesh would surely distress someone.” The Empress Dowager pondered aloud. “Xuyang would undoubtedly come here to make a scene. I’m also curious to see if he will appear.”
“How about I bestow upon you a cup of the God-Binding Wine?” Her tone was almost conversational, as if genuinely seeking her opinion.
Juchen shuddered but could only steel herself and reply, “This subject accepts the punishment.”
The Empress Dowager summoned a senior palace maid to bring the wine and had Juchen drink it. She then ordered attendants to prepare a daybed, settling Juchen behind a screen in the side chamber on a reclining couch, so she would have a soft pillow to lean on when the drug took effect.
In matters of political philosophy, Juchen could almost synchronize with the Empress Dowager’s thoughts. Yet, when it came to her treatment of people, Juchen had always found her inscrutable.
Take Xuyang, for instance Juchen could never discern whether the Empress Dowager’s affection for him was genuine or feigned.
Her attitude toward Song Mi had also been inconsistent, alternating between warmth and coldness.
Even Juchen herself couldn’t articulate how the Empress Dowager truly regarded her. There was compassion, sternness, exploitation, and even elevation.
Without Her Majesty, there would be no future version of her.
The Empress Dowager’s current gentleness emboldened her to lean against the couch and ask for her true thoughts.
“Does Your Majesty think I rely on my looks to serve others?”
After all, she was his mother. Juchen couldn’t help but care about her opinion.
The Empress Dowager glanced at her, then lowered herself to sit by the couch.
Her skin, like Song Mi’s, was the pale hue of cold jade. When she looked at someone quietly, it was as if one had stepped into a swamp, sinking deep into her pupils.
She didn’t answer the question immediately. After a moment of silence, she spoke softly, “I still remember the essays you wrote when you studied at Jifang Academy. Your treatise on fairness and justice I’ve always admired it.
You said that the inherent differences between men and women are innate: women lack the strength and robustness of men, while men lack the ability to bear life. This is an inherent inequality. And what you yearned for was a world that strives for justice despite this inequality.”
“Juchen, you have grand ambitions. One day, you will rise to prominence. But in this unjust world for women, what’s lacking is an official like you. I’ve always had expectations for you, and I look forward to the flourishing world you described in your writings. In truth, I’ve been meaning to find an opportunity to send you away from the capital.”
“Your Majesty wishes to exile me from the capital?”
The Empress Dowager shook her head. “If you don’t go to the provinces, you’ll never understand the hardships of the common people especially the women still trapped in suffering. If you don’t witness their helplessness, how can you find the point of justice?”
Juchen was stunned, slowly realizing the truth. She had once thought her previous banishment from the capital was due to her mistakes, her inadequacies. Yet after her return, she became the first person Her Majesty promoted.
Her exile had been a deliberate arrangement.
Juchen had many regrets in life, but the one conviction she never wavered in was her loyalty to Her Majesty.
The Empress Dowager had recognized her talent and given her a second chance.
“You must understand that if you wish to realize your ambitions, the path ahead will be fraught with hardship.”
The Empress Dowager warned her, exhaustion flickering in her eyes. A phoenix breaking free from its cage may find the sky vast, yet some deeply rooted ideologies remain insurmountable. She knew all too well the difficulty of a woman ascending to power. This world might seem changed for women because of her existence but she was, after all, an exception.
“The just world you envision in your essays for such an era to arrive, the foremost requirement is a wise ruler. While I live, I will protect you. But I must also plan for when I am gone to whom shall I entrust this half realized vision?”
“Song Mi he will be a good emperor. You’ve worked alongside him; you know this well. Under his rule, you will undoubtedly be able to unleash all your talents.”
“But if he becomes entangled in love. Speaking of my son, while it’s true I didn’t accompany his growth and may not fully understand him, I do know this once someone becomes irreplaceable in his heart, he would undoubtedly choose beauty over the throne.” The Empress Dowager gave a bleak laugh. “Unlike me, he has no love for power. He understands too well how power corrupts, so he dares not guarantee he wouldn’t change if seated upon that throne. Thus he would rather relinquish the position to remain true to himself. This is his most foolish yet most romantic promise to his beloved.”
“Yet with his status and capabilities, should he ultimately refuse the throne, he would inevitably become a target of suspicion.” The Empress Dowager’s words proved prophetic.
Juchen’s beautiful eyes widened as a pang struck her nose, suddenly recalling her past life. She had believed that after supporting the eldest son of the current emperor and battling Song Mi for so many years, finally driving him out of court politics meant her victory. But in truth, before the female emperor passed, she had already drafted an edict.
The empress had long decided the successor to the throne only that person concealed the edict. From the very beginning, he had conceded the game to her.
After the Liang dynasty’s political situation stabilized, Song Mi ultimately admitted defeat to Juchen, relinquishing his position as regent to fulfill her ambitions, handing over all authority to her.
He left the capital to wander freely across the land. He could have lived out his days in peace, yet upon hearing of Juchen’s imprisonment, he chose without hesitation to return.
The young emperor, no longer a child, learned of the late empress’s hidden edict and grew restless. Using Juchen’s life as bait, he lured Song Mi back only to exchange life for life, ensuring his demise.
In this life, the empress still resolved to pass the throne to Song Mi. “I won’t deny my maternal desire to compensate I wish to give him the finest things this world has to offer. As my son, supreme power is his rightful due.”
“As long as he remains unattached and agrees to a political marriage with the Cao family, taking a wife in name only, I can legitimately name him crown prince once I ascend the throne. Neither the Cao nor Song families would oppose this. And once emperor, none would dare challenge him.”
Having laid bare her intentions, the Empress Dowager finally lowered her gaze to Juchen. “So leave Song Zhengzhi, and I’ll spare Yuan Zheng. If Ranran wishes to be with Lin Zongbai, I won’t interfere. What say you?”
“Consider my words carefully. I know you’re an ambitious child there are countless worthy pursuits in this world. Don’t trap yourself in a cocoon of your own making. If you choose not to be with him, I assure you both your dreams and his life will find better outcomes.”
A buzzing filled Juchen’s temples as her thoughts tangled into chaos. She stood frozen for a long moment, ears ringing, barely able to breathe.
Gradually, her eyelids fluttered shut as she slipped into unconsciousness.
The Binding God’s Wine was a hallucinogenic poison that caused no physical harm but forced the drinker to relive their deepest fears in nightmares, tormenting the psyche repeatedly.
As the toxin took effect, Juchen expected to dream of the national histories that had defamed her, or perhaps her greatest fear snakes.
Instead, she dreamed of the newly revised national histories.
In her youth, Juchen was raised under the care of Princess Xianning.
Occasionally, other great scholars would come to lecture, praising those virtuous ministers and famous figures throughout history who had smashed their heads against palace steps in remonstration. She found it hard to comprehend, unable to understand what belief could be more important than one’s own life.
It wasn’t until Xianning explained, saying, “To be forgotten is the true death,” that Juchen understood.
Gazing at those vivid names leaping off the pages of history books, though she never considered emulating their head smashing ways just to leave her mark, the desire to carve her name into the annals of history quietly became her aspiration.
The sage education instilled in her at Jifang Academy shaped Li Juchen’s lifelong conviction and ideal to be remembered gloriously in historical records for centuries to come.
Later, she indeed became an indispensable force in advancing the Liang Dynasty’s development, ensuring her place would be recorded in history forever, never to be truly forgotten.
Yet the historical records did not unfold as she expected.
When entrusted with the orphaned emperor and appointed in crisis, she declined promotion beyond her rank, choosing only to serve as acting prime minister a humble act that was labeled as reputation seeking.
When she stabilized border defenses and pushed for northern campaigns, driving the Turks completely out of the Central Plains, they called her bloodthirsty and warmongering, indifferent to the people’s suffering.
When she worked tirelessly to support the young emperor’s ascension and stabilize court governance, they accused her of being cunning and self serving, a lifelong schemer playing political games.
When new historical records emerged, occasional dissenting voices barely caused ripples before being swiftly suppressed by the new emperor.
Over time, through word of mouth, she became reviled as Liang Dynasty’s most loathsome villain a seductive fox spirit who brought calamity upon the nation.
Juchen’s hands trembled as she stared at each character that cut to her core, taking two sharp breaths before letting out a bitter, mocking laugh.
She truly understood her own fears now. No doubt she would soon dream of snakes.
Then, she fell into a vast expanse of white mist. Ahead, dark shadows indeed appeared.
Her heart seized with terror. Looking down, she found herself sitting on a pile of hay as biting cold seeped through a skylight. Outside, heavy snow seemed to be falling. With a creak, the familiar sound of a door opening echoed, and the shadow before her gradually elongated into a tall, slender figure.