My Bloody Valentine - 109

109

Thud. The knife he was holding dropped weakly onto the carpeted floor.

It felt as if time had stopped.

Taeshin was frozen, as if he had been struck by the knife. He experienced the feeling of being suffocated for the first time. He couldn’t even move his body.

Looking at Han, who was asleep, Taeshin blinked his eyelids a few times. Every time he closed and opened his eyes, the young face he had left in the closet overlapped on top of it.

Taeshin was helplessly swept away by the waves of memories that were as violent as a storm. He couldn’t properly perceive time, place, or anything else. There was nothing in front of him but Han.

“I’ll protect you.”

It was a voice that seemed as though it hadn’t even gone through puberty, but Taeshin was certain that voice was his own.

When had it been? He felt like he had said that to someone. With the utmost sincerity. And that person was none other than…

“Ugh…”

At that moment, Han, who had squeezed his body into a small space, groaned as if he was in pain while sleeping. He then slowly opened his eyes, looking around with a dazed expression, as if he had forgotten why he had fallen asleep in such a position. His gaze landed on a pair of large black Oxford shoes.

Han slowly lifted his half-conscious, unfocused eyes. Then he saw Taeshin’s face looking down at him.

“Ah…”

Han’s lips, which had been searching for an excuse for his disheveled state in the closet, froze in place.

Taeshin’s face was as stiff as thin porcelain. It looked fragile, almost like it could shatter if touched, and seemed delicate and precarious.

Delicate. The thought of how little the word “delicate” suited Jang Taeshin hit him all over again.

A droplet of something, perhaps a tear, crossed over Taeshin’s right cheek. Since there was no rain inside, it was probably a tear that had fallen from his eye.

It was unbelievable, but when Han saw Taeshin’s face for the first time, he thought that water was leaking from his face. He had never imagined that he could cry.

As soon as he realized it was a tear, Han felt as though his heart had stopped.

It was as if time itself was gradually slowing down, and he could even feel the dust floating behind Taeshin moving slowly. Unable to believe the unbelievable sight before him, Han blinked his eyes rapidly.

But what he saw didn’t change. Tears were flowing from his deep eyes, which seemed to absorb all the darkness in the world.

Han had never seen Taeshin lose to anything. He was someone who was always used to trampling over others, and he was exceptionally good at it.

Yet now, Taeshin’s eyes were trembling, drenched in tears. With his lips half-open, looking as if he had forgotten what to say, he even appeared somewhat foolish.

“Taeshin…?”

The puzzled expression on Han’s face slowly turned into a disbelief.

Another drop of tears fell across Taeshin’s cheek. A moan-like voice barely escaped from Han’s lips.

“You…”

In that moment, Han saw a deep longing in Taeshin’s eyes, as if he had reunited with a beloved after a long time. A thought crossed his mind: perhaps…

Han struggled to crawl out of the closet, moving slowly. When he tried to straighten his folded body and stand up, his legs, which had been numb, gave way, and his knees buckled, causing him to lose his balance.

Instinctively, Taeshin’s hand reached out toward Han, who was collapsing. Han, now leaning against Taeshin, lifted his head.

Their eyes met again, and Han’s large brown eyes clearly reflected Taeshin’s face.

Taeshin wrapped one arm around Han’s waist and reached his hand toward Han’s face. It was almost an unconscious action when he swept the hair that covered Han’s eyebrows.

At that moment, another fragment of a memory pierced sharply into Taeshin’s brain.

“Hyung, I told you to move your bangs like this. You’ll poke your eye.”

“No, don’t wet it! You look stupid!”

Soft strands of hair brushed against Taeshin’s rough fingers.

“Ha…”

The sound that burst out seemed like a laugh, but it also felt like a sob.

It was this hair. The brown hair that he had gently stroked even in his dreams, the hair that had made him chase after a man with a similar hairstyle on the street.

After pushing aside Han’s bangs that covered his eyebrows, Taeshin’s fingers gently touched Han’s eyebrow.

“…!”

Han’s eyes widened as though he had experienced something unbelievable. His transparent, glass-like brown eyes began to shake aimlessly.

The action of sweeping aside the bangs and lightly brushing the eyebrow with his finger was something Taeshin often did for him in his childhood.

“Taeshin…”

“…”

“You… you remember, don’t you?”

“…”

Taeshin didn’t answer, but Han could intuitively tell.

The eyes looking down at him were the eyes of the Jang Taeshin from his childhood. The warm, gentle eyes that, despite being younger than him, confidently promised to protect him.

“Right…?”

Han’s tone became more desperate, as if pleading.

Taeshin’s dark eyes were still filled with countless memories, swirling inside them. It was like memories from a past life, or as if he was peeking into someone else’s memories.

But it felt too vivid to be anything but his own. And those memories were all connected to one face.

His mind went blank.

“Taeshin, let’s go to the tomb of words.”

“Taeshin, come here. I’ll put some ointment on your wound.”

“Taeshin, should I draw you?”

“Taeshin, are the sponsors gone?”

“Taeshin.”

Countless voices called out to him. Though their words were different, they were all from the same person.

“Why…?”

That memory soon led to a question.

He couldn’t go find Han. He had tried several times but failed miserably every time. Didn’t he have to be adopted somewhere else?

But according to the records, Han didn’t leave the orphanage until he was twenty.

“Why… did you stay in the orphanage?”

The question, which was practically an acknowledgment, came out before he could stop it, and Han’s whole body went limp. For a moment, everything around him seemed to spin, and it felt like he was about to faint.

Taeshin pulled Han’s waist more firmly, lifting him up.

Han’s blurry vision cleared, and he pressed his thumb onto his palm to make sure this wasn’t a dream. The sharp pain reminded him that this was reality.

Taeshin gently rubbed Han’s eyelids with his thumb and asked again.

“Why didn’t you get adopted?”

“You told me to wait!”

Han burst into tears, pouring out his grief.

“You told me you’d come to get me… ugh… you told me to wait!”

Han had imagined so many times what he would say when Taeshin regained his memories, but never once had he imagined himself crying and shouting out his frustration like this.

“Ugh… On the day of gratitude, I hid. I hid in the tomb of words, I hid in the closet, and kept waiting… kept waiting.”

“…”

“But you… you didn’t even remember me…”

Han weakly slapped Taeshin’s chest with his hand. The solid feeling of his chest beneath his hand was a reminder that this wasn’t a dream, but Han still couldn’t believe it.

He remembered him. He had finally remembered.

“Taeshin… I missed you.”

Han rubbed his face against Taeshin’s chest like a child throwing a tantrum. Feeling Han’s hair tickling his chin, Taeshin gritted his teeth as if holding back his pain.

Both of them, with their emotions in turmoil, were far from calming down. In particular, Han was breathing heavily as though his chest might collapse.

Just before he was about to fall, Taeshin placed his palm on Han’s chest, pressing it gently to calm his rapid heartbeat.

“Shh. It’s okay.”

Even though I was still caught in the whirlwind of confusion, Taeshin tried to calm my resentment, just like how he used to soothe me when I was young.

When the intense emotions in my chest slowly calmed down and Taeshin regained his composure, my tears finally stopped. At that moment, we both calmed each other.

When I lifted my head, the corners of my eyes were red, as if they were raw. I raised my tear-drenched eyelashes and carefully reached out to trace the scar that ran across the side of Taeshin’s scalp.

“Did it hurt… when you got hurt here?”

“…”

Taeshin silently looked down at me with a suppressed expression. I had been holding onto him all along, as if he were the purpose of my life, but to think I hadn’t even noticed this. It seemed that things had gotten much worse than I realized.

Instead of answering, Taeshin gently cupped my cheek and asked in return. Today, my small face in his hand seemed heavy, like it was made of iron.

“What about you?”

I remembered the day he slapped my cheek when I ran away from the guest room on my first day at Tasenda.

Even after several days, the purple bruise near my cheekbone hadn’t faded. He had struck me with such rough hands on my delicate skin.

It must have been incredibly painful. A deep furrow appeared between Taeshin’s brows.

It seemed like I could easily read Taeshin’s thoughts, as he shook his head sadly and answered with a bitter smile.

“I’m okay. I’m fine.”

But contrary to his words, more tears began to fall from the corners of his eyes.

Having experienced the pain of being pressed by Taeshin, who had forgotten me, I had suffered a lot and felt helplessly sorrowful. There were times when that sorrow turned into hatred.

But all the painful and lonely waiting times were now over.

The tears that started flowing again were uncontrollable.

The tears that drenched my face were tears of joy and relief because I realized that Taeshin’s memories of me were flowing through his mind. They were also tears of self-congratulation because the long and exhausting wait had finally ended.

I gently buried my face in Taeshin’s chest.

The fact that he had lost his memory and his completely changed personality might have been a defense mechanism to save himself from the abyss of pain.

His past was so tragic and pitiful that I reached out both my arms and embraced his back. I realized that I was not the only one shocked by this situation.

Taeshin trembled like a beast shot with an arrow. The pain he was feeling was transmitted directly to my skin. My heart ached painfully.

Taeshin, with a voice that seemed a little choked, asked,

“Why didn’t you go to America?”

“Because you’re here.”

“…”

It seemed like I could see the armor around his body slowly melting away, revealing his true face for the first time.

When I believed that he had let go of the memory that had kept us firmly connected, I felt abandoned by the whole world.

And now, for the first time, I felt like I wasn’t alone in this vast universe. The feeling of completeness that swept over me was something I had never felt even when I met my biological mother.

“Taeshin… I… I’m yours.”

“…”

“I’ve always been like this… There’s no one but you. It was like that back then, too…”

With tears welling up in my eyes, I smiled painfully. My lips trembled as I spoke, unsure if I was laughing or crying.

“Stupid… Even after you did that to me… I’m really stupid, even now…”

I couldn’t finish my sentence. Taeshin’s hot lips pressed against mine, silencing the rest of my words.

I was finally in his arms, the person I had longed for so much.

I wanted to feel that reality with my skin. Taeshin’s hand, which had gently brushed through my small head, slowly moved down my back and hugged me. His arms naturally tightened around my thin body.

It felt like all the puzzle pieces had finally fallen into place. The hole in my heart that I didn’t even know existed had finally been filled.

I sucked gently on his soft, tender lower lip, pulling it into my mouth, and Taeshin carefully parted my lips to let him slowly enter.

Unlike before, when he used to attack me with wild force, Taeshin was now gently exploring my mouth, touching my teeth and gums.

I slowly opened my eyes and saw his lowered eyelashes as he became absorbed in the kiss. I carefully raised my hand and traced the smooth part of his scalp, where there was no scab.

At that moment, Taeshin suddenly stopped moving. His face, which had been immersed in the soft sensation on his tongue, suddenly wore a complicated expression.

Why was he so concerned about this scar? Could it be that he thought it was because of me that he ended up like this?

Taeshin suddenly thought that perhaps he and I might not be on the same wavelength.

Male and female, heterosexual and homosexual, the concepts that people separate—since I was with Taeshin from the moment he taught me how to write my name after I lost my parents, I never considered another option.

To me, Taeshin was naturally the one who should be by my side. At some point, he became someone I needed to protect, and even later, he became someone who made me feel a strange stirring deep inside me.

Living for someone like him, even if my head burst open or my limbs broke, it was a consequence I had chosen and had to endure. I never thought of blaming Taeshin for the results of my own choices.

But perhaps my thoughts were different from Taeshin’s. Maybe he was hoping for something different from me.

If, like before, he was hoping for the Taeshin who took care of me like a younger brother or a family member, then perhaps he wanted something closer to affection than love.

The large tongue that had been filling my mouth suddenly slipped out.

“If you don’t want to, just say you don’t want to.”

In an instant, my mouth, which had been full, felt empty. I looked up at Taeshin, still keeping my lips slightly parted, and exhaled, still holding my breath. Taeshin’s face seemed to show some kind of pain.

“Are you accepting this because you feel sorry for me? Because you think it’s sad that my head is broken?”

“Huh…?”

“Are you letting me do this just because you feel sorry for me, whether I lick your tongue or get hard and rush at you?”

“That’s not it…!”

His crude words made my cheeks instantly turn red.

It was unbearably awkward and embarrassing to confess to him in this way. I bit my reddened lips and let go.

“I…”

I was someone who had always hesitated and backed away, but this time it was different.

My brown eyes, which were struggling, finally met Taeshin’s gaze. Most people couldn’t even look me in the eye.

To make sure he understood my meaning, I put strength into each word and carefully spoke.

“I… I like you. It’s not out of pity or sympathy, not out of any kind of guilt… The only person I want to do this with is… you…”

Taeshin lowered his head deeply and once again claimed my lips.

This time, the kiss was even more passionate.