My Bloody Valentine - 34

Behind the orphanage, there was a small mound resembling a grave, and Taesin and Han would often climb up and sit there, gazing at the stream and the village with rice paddies below without realizing how quickly time passed.

One day, as they sat there, adults passing by noticed them on the hilly mound and urged them to come down, explaining that it was not just a hill but a “horse grave.”

“A horse grave?”

When the children blinked in curiosity, the kind old man shared more of the story with them.

A long, long time ago, soldiers fought against the enemy in a nearby fortress. During the battle, they gathered the dead horses and buried them here.

Since hearing that story, the two never climbed the horse grave again, but it became a secret hideout known only to them among the children in the orphanage.

Next to the horse grave were large rocks piled up, creating a space where only the small bodies of children could squeeze through. The space, abandoned by rabbits or raccoons, became known as the “Rabbit Hole.”

Han, being slower, often became the first to be caught when playing hide-and-seek or tag. No child was slow enough to be caught by Han, and the children would approach, tease Han, and then escape like minnows.

At such times, Taesin deliberately let himself be caught by Han. As the next seeker, Taesin would light up his eyes, catch each child one by one, and then playfully chase them back.

However, Han also had a talent for this. Han had a natural talent for hide-and-seek. When Han decided to hide, no one could find him, not even occasionally Taesin.

This Rabbit Hole was a space discovered by Han while playing hide-and-seek.

“Hyung, aren’t you cold? Should I take off your jacket?”

“No, I’m fine.”

Even with someone younger than himself, Taesin always had an overflowing protective instinct. If Han coughed, Taesin would take off his outerwear, and if he had a fever, Taesin would put a wet towel on his forehead. Even if they had a mother, would she have taken care of him as well as Taesin did?

“I’ll protect you for the rest of my life.”

When Taesin said that around the age of seven, Han replied cutely, “Promise,” putting his finger on it, making a real promise. Taesin seemed determined to keep that promise.

“Taesin, did the sponsors leave?”

“No, the light in the director’s office is still on.”

“Okay.”

Han was inside the Rabbit Hole, and because of his large size, Taesin, who couldn’t enter, leaned against the rock in front, waiting for the sponsors who had visited the orphanage to leave.

“Yeojin wanted to be adopted, I hope they took her.”

“Yeah.”

“She wanted to get adopted and buy a phone to decorate it.”

“Decorate a phone?”

“Decorate the phone case and customize the wallpaper.”

“Oh, I see.”

Even elementary school students carried phones one by one, and the children wanted to be adopted for such trivial reasons as wanting to have a phone.

But Taesin and Han were not particularly interested in such things. The most important thing for them was not to be separated from each other, and that was all.

The most fearful thing for the two was not the labor assigned by the director or the mediocre meals but the news that sponsors were coming. If one of them were to be adopted, they would have to part ways. They had never witnessed both of them being taken away together since they started living in the orphanage.

So, on the days when the director ordered them to clean more than usual, they always hid. They would climb deep into the mountains where people couldn’t find them, not coming back until late at night. In less favorable situations, they would hide in the closet of their shared room for hours.

In the cheap-smelling, cramped closet, the two would press their bodies together, plug their ears, and laugh while hearing the sounds of people searching for them. There was never a dull moment when they were together.

“Hyung, instead of being adopted like this, let’s endure it and live together when we grow up.”

Taesin’s eyes, saying those words, sparkled like the sky on a summer night. My eyes, facing Taesin and answering, ‘Sure,’ probably had a similar gleam.

❖ ❖ ❖

I vividly remember that day, whenever it was.

During winter vacation, Han went to an art academy in the town three times a week. Whenever the class ended, Taesin was always waiting in front of the academy.

Even though I saw his face every day, Han greeted Taesin with a cheerful smile, as if they had been separated for years. The infectious laughter exploded like fireworks, and from some point, Taesin also started smiling back.

They walked together for a long time, following the railroad where the train no longer ran, walking along the fields, the paths between rice paddies, and the newly paved roads. It was the quietest and most peaceful route to the orphanage in the town.

While walking side by side, Han suddenly remembered something and rummaged through his pockets.

“Taesin.”

What Han handed over was a chocolate with alphabet imprints given by the teacher to commemorate Valentine’s Day. Taesin, with the chocolate melted messily between the crumpled plastic, simply licked it deliciously.

“Taesin, wait a moment.”

“Yeah?”

“Did you eat the chocolate with your face? It’s all smeared.”

Han wiped off the chocolate on Taesin’s lips with his thumb. Taesin, who had turned ten, had grown so much that Han had to reach up. Han felt proud, as if he had raised Taesin that way.

He remembered little Taesin, who used to follow him like a duckling when he was four. What would the grown-up Taesin look like now? He must have grown into a tall and handsome adult, unlike me.

But Han couldn’t witness Taesin’s growth. On that day, like smoke, Taesin disappeared from Han’s life.

Han didn’t believe the director’s words that Taesin, who went to a good family, would never come back. It was just unimaginable.

For me, climbing trees for you, eating the food I spat out without hesitation, pulling out the weeds I should pick, and staying up at night when I was sick. You, who always seemed more like a brother than me, wouldn’t be by my side anymore.

Although one year younger, Taesin was always like an older brother to me. I couldn’t see him growing up into a fantastic and tall adult like him.

But I couldn’t see Taesin growing up. On that day, like smoke, Taesin disappeared from Han’s life.

All that Taesin left behind was a torn note. Han burst into tears when he saw the crooked handwriting of a third-grade elementary school student squeezed onto the note.

【Don’t go anywhere, wait for me. I’ll definitely come to find you.】

Han followed Taesin’s words in the letter exactly. Like a squirrel escaping from the orphanage whenever a sponsor came, he hid in a rabbit hole.

After the sponsor left, the director’s persecution began. The director wanted to get rid of Han when there was still a bit of cuteness and potential for adoption.

By the time Han turned fifteen, the possibility of adoption was almost nonexistent, and he worried about whether he should endure this until he turned eighteen.

While waiting for Taesin, as time passed, Han found that his grown body could no longer fit into the rabbit hole.

Han spent his time sitting on the horse graveyard on the hill, looking blankly at the time. Since the wish for Taesin to come back was not granted, whether the horse lying beneath him cursed or not didn’t matter anymore.

As time went by, Han found himself making less effort to hide his sincerity. After all, as a high school student in adolescence with only a few years left until independence, he knew no one would adopt him.

Still, because of the promise he made to Taesin, Han mechanically continued to take steps forward.

It was during one of these steps, after spending time at the horse graveyard to avoid another sponsor, that the director, now with heightened temper due to some reason, started picking on Han.

“What did you feed him for breakfast? The girl said he vomited like a fountain right after waking up! And on a luxury dress too!”

“….”

It seemed that one of the new babies, recently admitted, had sprayed vomit on the sponsor.

“If you don’t properly toilet train them, this sometimes happens. Bringing such a young baby when there’s no one to take care of them properly.”

“What? What did you say?”

The director’s heated scolding continued at Han’s mumbled response. However, Han didn’t despise the director. It was as if there was nowhere that didn’t involve physical abuse. At this point, Han didn’t have much hope left for the world.

“You disobedient brat! That’s why Taesin couldn’t stand you and left!”

“….”

Talk about Taesin always shook Han. In the wavering Han, the director saw a flicker of a cold resentment.

“Taesin is a clever one. He’s probably living very comfortably now, don’t you think?”

“….”

“How rich do you think the family that adopted him is? They were so excited that he went.”

“Don’t lie.”

“Oh, this fool. That spot, originally, was supposed to be yours!”

“What?”

“That sponsor wanted to take you. But Taesin snatched that spot from you! He said he’s stronger and asked to take me instead of you!”

“….!”

“Have you ever heard from him after he was adopted? Has he ever visited you? That was six years ago, huh? Six years! He washed his background completely! He abandoned you, and now he’s happily living as a rich family’s son!”

“….”

“Oh, on that day, he even dressed neatly and came down like a prince, trying to impress that rich gentleman. I bet my mother on it!”

Ignoring the raging director below, Han went upstairs.

Lying on the creaking old bed, he took out the letter left by Taesin and examined it.

As time passed, the words written on the faded paper, Han still followed them as if they were a proverb.

【Don’t go anywhere, wait for me. I’ll definitely come to find you.】

Taesin, I’m still listening to your words. I’m hiding and waiting for you. But… why didn’t you keep your promise?

“Let’s not doubt… Taesin isn’t that kind of person.”

But as time passed, the fading letters of the letter left by Taesin, Han’s certainty also dimmed little by little.

No. It can’t be.

Or can it?

… I don’t know.

❖ ❖ ❖

Afterward, having graduated from high school, Han received some settlement support and left Dream Shelter. Han haphazardly took a bus to Seoul. There was a strange conviction that Taesin would be in Seoul. Why such words, who knows. ‘Send words to Jeju, and send people to Seoul.’

That’s how Han went up to Seoul, staying in a jjimjilbang for a few days, he managed to find a small basement studio. It was a 4.5 square meters room that required a year’s rent in advance.

Despite being a basement with no sunlight, it was Han’s first ever space that belonged to him alone, not the eight-person room he used to have.

Han put up a nameplate ordered online next to the shabby entrance.

‘Han.’

His name was engraved in black on a wooden plank.

The landlord living on the top floor laughed absurdly when he saw what Han had hung up, saying, “Who hangs up nameplates these days?” But Han just smiled proudly, looking at the nameplate.

It was still a symbol of Han’s waiting, nine years after Taesin left.

Han swept away the dust on the nameplate, with Banish smoothly applied.

“Take care.”

So that when Taesin comes to find me someday, he won’t get lost.

As soon as possible, so that Taesin can find me.