My Scumbag Husband, the Prince Consort - Chapter 1

I died in the dead of night with no one around.

I’d snuck out to go night fishing, only to slip on the muddy edge of a wild pond. After a few half-hearted splashes, I was done for in just a few minutes.

When I next opened my eyes, I was lying in a man’s arms.

It was early spring. The night sky was veiled in mist and moonlight.

I couldn’t see his face clearly, only faintly heard him calling out in urgency.

“Your Highness, Royal Princess, wake up!”

The arms holding me were incredibly strong—he was shaking me so hard I thought my bones might fall apart.

Above us, the stars were sparse. Around us, a dozen or so people gathered, holding white paper lanterns. A gust of wind stirred the flames inside, casting flickering shadows in all directions.

I finally managed to blink the water from my eyes. Through the shifting light and darkness, I could make out the man who held me.

He wore a tall ceremonial crown and a dark crimson robe. With sword-like brows and starry eyes, his face was like jade—an utterly exquisite man.

What a pity he looked like a drowned ghost, soaked from head to toe.

A lock of hair peeked from beneath his crown, heavy with water, droplets sliding down the bridge of his sharp nose.

I was momentarily spellbound by his beauty, completely forgetting where I was.

Then a silvery, bell-like voice snapped me out of it:

“Your Highness, are you alright?”

I turned my head. It was a girl of about fifteen or sixteen, her hair in double buns, dressed in a pale patterned pinafore dress.

Behind her stood a crowd of people, all in white robes, their faces powdered. The men wore crowns, the women had neatly coiled hair. The whole scene looked… eerie.

“Aaah—ghosts!”

I screamed and shrank into the handsome man’s chest, trembling as I grabbed his wide sleeve to cover my eyes.

“Your Highness, please don’t frighten this humble maid!”

The girl dropped to her knees with a thud, and like dominoes, everyone else knelt with her.

Then it struck me—if I’m dead, wouldn’t that make me a ghost too?

People fearing ghosts I understand. But ghosts fearing other ghosts? That’s new.

I mustered some courage and looked around.

Before me was a path strewn with fallen blossoms. Not far off stood a rockery and small pavilion. Behind me, a pond floated with duckweed.

The scene was oddly peaceful and elegant—nothing like the underworld at all.

“Where… where am I?” I murmured.

The young girl, still trembling, kept her head pressed to the ground.

“Prince Consort, what’s wrong with Her Highness?”

“She must be in shock from falling into the water. Her mind isn’t clear,” the man holding me replied. Then he turned to a young attendant.

“Fetch the imperial physician.”

“At once!”

The servant scurried off like his life depended on it.

The girl began slamming her forehead against the ground, the sound louder than a drum.

“This maid deserves death—utterly unforgivable! I failed to watch over Her Highness and will accept any punishment. I beg Your Highness and the Prince Consort for mercy!”

“Her punishment can wait until the Princess recovers. What are you standing around for? Hurry and carry Her Highness back to her chambers!”

“Yes, as you command!”

She called over a few male servants to lift me. But the moment I saw their powdered faces and those flickering yellow lanterns, I freaked out—it was more terrifying than any horror film!

Ghosts may not usually fear ghosts, but who says they can’t?

“No—stay away—help!”

I screamed bloody murder, thrashing my limbs in panic, drenched clothes clinging to my body as I flailed.

“Your Highness, please calm yourself! The night is damp—you’ll catch a chill!”

His words didn’t reach me. The wind roared in my ears, my soul practically fleeing my body. I clawed desperately toward the man’s chest like it was my last refuge.

To stop my madness, a large hand gripped my jaw, forcing me to meet his eyes.

“Royal Princess,” he said, voice low and sharp, “my patience is not infinite. If you refuse the wine offered, don’t blame me for forcing it down your throat.”

“Uhhh…”

His fingers were like iron, nearly choking me. My nerves, already stretched to the breaking point, snapped.

Without thinking, I slapped that handsome face as hard as I could.

Smack—

The sound rang out loud and clear.

The whole crowd froze, eyes wide, wishing they could disappear into the floor.

A gust of wind swept through, my soaked robes clinging to my skin. I couldn’t even tell if I was shivering from cold or fear.

I’d used all my strength. His face turned to the side, five bright red finger marks blooming across his pale cheek.

His eyes flashed with fury. Then, without a word, he let go, and I rolled ungracefully to the ground.

“Ahhh—!”

My back slammed against the hard stone. My butt felt like it split in four. I lay there grimacing, twisted in pain.

“Well, since the Princess is clearly fine,” he said coldly, “I shall take my leave.”

He flung his soaked sleeve with a flourish, showering me with cold droplets, and walked off without looking back.

“Your Highness! Are you alright?”

The girl with the powdered face rushed to help me up. But with those two round pink patches on her cheeks, she looked more like a painted ghost than ever.

I rolled my eyes—and fainted dead away.

________________________________________

The world plunged into silence.

In the pitch-black void, a faint light flickered.

Beneath the shadows lay a bl00d-red pool of still water, its depth unknown.

Stretching across the Three Evil Paths was the River of the Dead—blurry visions of mountains of blades and seas of fire, haunting cries of sorrow and despair. It was hell itself.

I picked up my pace, running blindly toward the distant glimmer of light.

Soon, I saw a shadowy figure standing by the riverbank.

“Who goes there?”

“Name?”

“Jiang Yu.”

“Cause of death?”

“Drowned.”

“Do you know where you are?”

“No idea.”

I followed that faint thread of light, only to see the shadowy figure blur and shift—transforming into a grim-faced underworld official in robes, holding a thin record book.

The moment he saw me, his eyes bulged in disbelief.

“You again?!”

“What do you mean again?”

He flipped through the book with a rustling sound, his long, thin brows furrowed deeply.

“Didn’t we already agree? I sent you back, case closed. How’d you end up down here again?”

“What are you talking about? I don’t understand a word.”

“Damn it… I erased your memory the last time I sent you back,” the judge muttered, scratching his head.

“You erased my memory? Why would you do that?” Then I paused, alarm creeping in. “Wait—you’re saying I’ve been here before?”

“Exactly.” He nodded. “You already died once. Drowning, remember?”

“You mean this is my second time dying?”

The judge fished a bronze mirror from his sleeve and held it up to my face.

“See for yourself.”

The surface of the mirror was fuzzy with static—completely blank.

“See what, exactly?”

“Oops, sorry.” He tiptoed and stretched his arm high. “Underworld signal’s terrible. Reception’s always spotty down here…”

“Ah—got it.”

He held the mirror out again. This time, a face appeared in the reflection—my face. Same features, but with a tall ancient-style hair bun, purple makeup on the forehead, clearly not from the modern era.

“Pale lids, stiff limbs,” he muttered. “This time you died of fright. Honestly! Scared to death by a few painted faces? I went through all that trouble to send you back and this is how you thank me?”

“So… now what?” I slumped, defeated. “Maybe I should just reincarnate and be done with it.”

“I can’t! Absolutely not!” The judge spun in a panic.

“You forgot—you weren’t supposed to die the first time. It was a clerical error. You hadn’t reached the end of your lifespan, so you can’t reincarnate. If you don’t go back, you’ll be stuck as a wandering ghost!”

“Who the hell wants to be a ghost?” I snapped, nose stinging. “I grew up without parents, died young with no one to claim my body. Now you want me to drift around during Qingming and Double Ninth without a single paper offering? I won’t rest in peace!”

He picked at his ear with his pinky.

“Yes, yes, you said all that last time too. That’s why I broke protocol and sent you back. No need to repeat it.”

“Fine. You messed up. You owe me a solution.”

“I already gave you one.” He flipped furiously through the book.

“You even picked the host yourself. Here—look.”

He shoved the book at me. A long, claw-like fingernail traced a tiny line of characters:

Princess Yuan Shuang of Great Wei. Age 17. Suicide by drowning. Lifespan not yet exhausted.

“Funny thing is,” he added, “this Yuan Shuang girl looks just like you. Must be fate.”

“Well, if it’s fate, then Brother Judge, kindly send me back again.” I gave him a respectful bow.

The judge waved his hands frantically, head shaking like a rattle-drum.

“No I can’t, I can’t! Time flows differently here than up there.” He glanced at an imaginary watch. “If my math’s right, they’re probably sealing the coffin right about now. If I send you back, you’ll rise straight out of your coffin—like some undead horror!”

I shrieked and lunged at him, shaking him by the collar.

“I don’t care! This is your mess! Give me my life back!”

“Can’t you be reasonable?” he choked. “You scared yourself to death! How is that my fault?”

“If you hadn’t erased my memory, I wouldn’t have been confused! Wouldn’t have freaked out!”

“Please! One second you’re in modern times, the next you’re in ancient China—you try not panicking!”

“I wiped your memory for security reasons! Soul-swapping is strictly against the rules! If Heaven finds out, I lose my job!”

“Fine then! I’ll take this all the way up! Let me at your little death ledger—I’m filing a formal complaint! What’s the hotline number for Yama? Where’s the underworld inbox?”

He ducked away, pleading, “Please, Auntie! Be merciful! Stuff like this happens once every few centuries! We’re short-staffed—temps fresh out of training are making mistakes! Let’s cut each other some slack!”

“Oh, I should cut you some slack? Who’s cutting me any?!”

My eyes burned as I tore at the book I’d snatched from him. The last time someone ripped up the book of life and death, it was the Monkey King wrecking Havoc in Heaven 500 years ago. Well then—time for Auntie Jiang Yu to make some history of her own.

“Wait, wait, don’t! Let me think!”

The judge wilted like a flower, eyes rolling, fingers calculating furiously.

“Aha! Got it! According to the record, Princess Yuan Shuang still has nine years left to live. She’s destined to die at age twenty-six, at the hands of her prince consort’s sword—that’s her official death.”

“If we move fast and get you back before burial, you should be able to reenter the body just in time.”

“Ugh. Dying at the hands of your own husband? That’s not what I’d call a peaceful death.”

“You don’t get it.” He tugged me aside, whispering like a conspirator. “That girl got a lifetime fortune fate. If you follow the script, not just this life, but every life to come—wealth, power, honor—you’ll never run out.”

I eyed him suspiciously.

“For real?”

“Swear on my underworld badge.”

“Generational riches?”

“Won’t even suffer a single coin of hardship.”

“Well… alright then. One more time.”

I clapped my hands and tossed the record book back at him.

The judge let out a barely concealed sigh of relief.

“Deal’s a deal—no complaints this time.”

“Relax. Jiang Yu keeps her word.”

“Not Jiang Yu anymore,” he corrected. “Up there, you’re Yuan Shuang. And don’t you dare tell anyone. This whole thing’s against regulations. If you spill the secret, not even your bones will be found.”

I gulped.

“Fine, fine. I won’t say a word. But this time—you’d better not erase my memory again!”

Wait… hadn’t I already died with no burial last time?

“Enough talking. Time to go.” The judge circled a few lines in the book and gave his final warning.

“Don’t forget—when you cross the river, tell the ferryman to hurry! If you miss this window, I can’t help you anymore.”

________________________________________

Golden gongs. Bronze cymbals. White candles. Burning incense.

Mourning wails echoed through the courtyard, a sea of people in funeral whites.

I sat up in a pitch-black coffin and saw a hall filled with kneeling mourners in plain robes and formal hats.

Grabbing the soul-summoning banner hanging nearby, I took a deep breath and shouted with all my strength—

“Where is my Prince Consort?!”