My Sun and Your Star - Episode 2

I found myself on the rooftop again.

The time was probably around two in the afternoon.

I have cram school today from six to nine PM. I dread what comes after… I don’t want to go home. Both my father and mother are at home. But even when I return, there’s no “Welcome back” to greet me.

I am an unwelcome presence in that house.

I’m standing at the edge of the roof again. One more step forward, and I’d be free. Even though it would set me free, for some reason, that one step feels impossibly heavy.

“Haaah…”

I step back, lean against the rooftop wall, and look up at the sky again. There seems to be no P.E. classes right now, and the wind is calm, so it’s incredibly quiet, with no particular sounds to hear.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes.

I feel a little bad about what I did to Mai. I’m not sure if it’s because I lied to her, or because she looked so sad when I turned her down.

But, I don’t intend to apologize. To be precise, it’s more that I’m incapable of apologizing to someone face-to-face, exchanging opinions, enjoying time together—that kind of thing.

I think a part of my emotions, no, a very important part, is missing.

Disgusted with myself, I’ve done my utmost to avoid interacting with people.

In high school, I didn’t join any clubs, focusing solely on studying. Since most people make friends through clubs and such, in that sense, Mai is a very precious presence to me.

I should cherish her more.

Even though I understand that in my head, it’s difficult, and I keep hitting a wall.

I’m sure the reason I ended up like this is because of my family.

No, that’s wrong.

It’s all the fault of me, the failure.

My family probably looks perfect from the outside. My father is a doctor, my mother is a housewife, and I have an exceptionally capable older sister, four years my senior.

When I was around elementary school age, we all got along really well.

Although my father had a busy job, he made time for family when he could, and my mother cherished us deeply.

My mother was very kind; I still remember days when I’d come home crying after falling down, and she’d pat my head, fussing over me until I stopped crying.

Thinking back on it now, I think I was happy.

My father wanted one of us to become a doctor and take over his hospital. It didn’t matter which of us sisters became the successor. Once compulsory education started, both my father and mother diligently taught us and encouraged us to study.

My sister was exceptionally bright from a young age. She went to the best high school in the prefecture and then to a university medical department that gathers highly talented people.

I, on the other hand, wasn’t particularly good at studying.

No matter how hard I tried, I barely managed to get average scores on elementary school tests. But my parents encouraged me, saying there’s always next time, and even sent me to cram school and tutored me themselves while I was still in elementary school.

I tried hard, wanting to live up to their expectations, but even so, the situation didn’t change.

Around the time I was in sixth grade, my sister entered a good high school.

That’s when my father and mother’s attitudes began to change. They stopped teaching me and stopped talking about me becoming a doctor.

At the time, I felt relieved, thinking I didn’t have to try so hard anymore, but I was soon confronted with the reality that this was a mistake.

One day in sixth grade, I came home to find the lights off and no one inside. My mother was always home when I returned, so I was a little confused as I stepped inside.

I turned on the living room light and saw a note and a convenience store bento on the table. I hurried over to it.

‘Heat it up before eating.’

Feeling uneasy about the unusual situation, I decided to wait for everyone to return. Around 9 PM, I heard the door open. I jumped out of bed and went to the entrance.

“Welcome back…?”

The three of them were smiling, but didn’t even glance my way. I stood there frozen for a moment before my mother said, “Hoshisora, did you eat? It’s late already, so you should go to bed?” She answered with her usual smile. But something felt wrong.

“Um… where were you all?”

I asked a question I both wanted and didn’t want to ask.

“It’s the day Maya took her first big step in life. We went out for a celebratory meal.”

Why…? Why wasn’t I taken along…?

Is it because I should be more like my sister?

Should I get perfect scores on tests?

I didn’t understand the reason at all. Not understanding, I began to throw myself into studying. I thought if I turned down all invitations from friends and just studied, something good would surely happen.

But as if to declare my efforts futile, my parents stopped talking to me much. They’d say the bare minimum, and they provided food, clothing, and shelter. But nothing more than that.

Holding onto the simple desire to talk happily with my family again, I aimed for the same high school as my sister. I had the naive thought that if I got in, they would surely acknowledge me again.

But the result was cruel.

I failed the exam spectacularly and entered a safety-net high school. I was disappointed in myself for not meeting my parents’ expectations, and I felt despair.

I vowed to them that I would definitely get into a good university. But I’ll never forget my father and mother’s faces on the day of the acceptance announcements.

They looked at me as if I weren’t even their child.

No matter how much I pleaded, begging them to watch me because I would try harder from now on, I was ignored.

At that moment, everything went black, and I apparently fainted. When I woke up in my bed, I remembered what had just happened. I felt nauseous, bile rising in my throat, and it was painful.

From that day on, I lost interest in everything and stopped feeling anything.

……………

I open my eyes, and the usual rooftop scenery spreads out before me.

—An unpleasant dream. I let out a sigh.

I haven’t had a dream about that time in a long while.

I’ve been trying not to think about it, but I suppose because I thought about so many things today, I had a bad dream.

My parents said they would support me until I graduate from university. But that also meant that once I graduate, my ties to that house would be cut. After university, I have to make my own way in life.

Wouldn’t it be easier if I just died…?

If I died, would my family finally be sad? But no, even when I’m at home, I’m treated as if I’m not there. Probably nothing would change.

I still sometimes wonder what I should have done. But I think there was nothing more I could have done at that time.

I faced my parents and pleaded with them continuously, telling them I would try hard and asking them to please watch over me.

It was my parents who turned their eyes away from me.

…………

But the reason they turned away is because I’m defective. I hate myself for being unable to blame anyone but my parents for my own failings, and it makes me feel like I don’t want to exist anywhere in this world.

After I became unable to interact properly with my parents, I became afraid of seriously engaging with anyone.

Today, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about things I don’t want to think about.

Maybe now…

Before I knew it, I was standing at the edge of the roof again.

My foot takes a step forward.

The foot that stepped out hangs in the air… This will end everything.