My Sun and Your Star - Episode 4

I (Haruka Endo) am a second-year high school student living a peaceful daily life. Today, I’m eating lunch with my good friends, Akari Saito and Nao Takahashi.

“How about after school today, we call Daiki and Sota and go to your place, Haruka?”

I grimace at Nao’s sudden suggestion. Daiki is Nao’s boyfriend, and Sota is Akari’s boyfriend. The five of us often hang out together.

“I… actually have other plans today…”

My voice gets smaller as I apologize and turn them down. It’s a lie, but I act so they won’t notice.

“Eh? That’s rare! What’s going on?”

Contrary to my feelings, Akari asks me a purely curious question in a bright tone.

I basically never turn down their invitations. I’ll go anywhere and put up with a certain amount of whims. I can always smile in front of them and go along with anything.

And today, I have no particular plans. But, I really don’t want my friends coming to my house.

“I need to go shopping for groceries, and I’m running low on daily necessities, so I was thinking of going around to a few places… seems like it’ll take a while. Sorry.”

“Living alone must be tough. Let us know if you need any help, okay?”

“Yeah, exactly! We should help Haruka out sometimes too!”

They talk to me without any malice, and I think they’re really good friends. But, telling them about my living situation was a mistake.

I live alone in a single-family home meant for a family.

It’s far too big for one person.

I had a father who always worked hard and cherished my mother and me, and a mother who always waited at home for my father and me to return.

Weekends were always reserved for the three of us to go out together. My father was good at sports, so he taught me all kinds of things, from ball games to track and field. My mother wasn’t particularly athletic, but she always joined in and played with us.

On the way home after those days out, I was always between the two of them, holding my father’s hand with my right hand and my mother’s with my left.

When I’d throw a tantrum, saying I was tired and couldn’t walk, my father would always hoist me onto his shoulders. From up there, I could see all the way to the distant scenery, and I still remember vividly how wonderful that felt.

Even when I wasn’t really tired, I’d act spoiled, saying I couldn’t walk, and get carried on my father’s shoulders. Looking down a little, I’d always see my mother smiling.

Living with the two of them made me want to build a wonderful family like that myself.

There was a day, during the school trip in my sixth year of elementary school—the biggest event for an elementary schooler—when I was so excited the night before that I couldn’t sleep at all, just floating on air.

My mother gently stroked my head, saying, “You should go to sleep early.” That day, both my mother and father were also in high spirits.

It seemed they were planning a little trip for just the two of them while I was away. The night when all three of us were too excited to sleep was also a happy memory.

The two-night, three-day school trip was over in a flash. I had lots of stories to tell, and my parents had promised to bring back delicious souvenirs, so I hurried home, full of anticipation.

On the way home, my feet felt so light it was like I was floating, each step barely touching the ground. But when I got home, the lights were off, and checking inside, it seemed my parents hadn’t returned yet.

I waited, thinking they’d be back soon, but even by 6 PM, when dinner would usually be ready, there was no sign of them returning. Just as I was getting anxious, the intercom rang.

“Dad! Mom!”

I rushed to answer it.

But standing at the front door wasn’t my father or mother; it was my grandmother.

My maternal grandmother lived in the neighboring prefecture, so I looked at her face, wondering why she was here, and saw she was deathly pale. She spoke to me in a low, dark tone.

“Haruka-chan, there’s a place I need you to come with me to now. Can you get ready?”

I nodded and got into my grandmother’s car.

She took me to what was probably the largest hospital in the prefecture.

Inside, there were two swollen beds. They were shaped like people, but the faces were hidden, and I couldn’t make sense of what I was seeing. In that room were my father’s parents and my mother’s parents, all with horrified expressions on their faces.

Everyone was crying, choking back their sobs.

In the silence, a doctor from the hospital grabbed my shoulder and told me this:

“Haruka-chan. Your father and mother were in a traffic accident… We couldn’t save them. I’m sorry…”

I couldn’t understand the meaning of his words.

Was he saying the people lying in front of me were my father and mother?

Wake up! Stop sleeping!

I have so many fun stories from the school trip!

What about the souvenirs?

Tell me about your fun trip too?

Everything went dark before my eyes.

Later, their funeral was held quickly.

It seemed my grandparents handled all the arrangements. I still couldn’t grasp the situation and just stared blankly at the blue sky.

I overheard talk about who would take me in, what would happen now, what about the house, what about money, and so on.

My father’s parents lived very far away, and my mother’s parents lived in the next prefecture.

“We’d like you to come live with one of us, Haruka-chan, which would you prefer?”

Even if they asked me that, I didn’t know. I loved my grandparents, of course, but my home was that house, and my father and mother were the two people now lying in white coffins.

I hadn’t been the type to be willful since I was little, but the thought of leaving that house was so painful I couldn’t bear it at the time.

“…I want to go home.”

My grandparents looked at each other, discussed it, and brought me back to the house.

The house was so quiet.

My father would turn on the TV as soon as he got home, and even with it on, he’d talk to me and my mother about his day or incomprehensible work stories. My mother would listen gently, saying “uh-huh,” and I’d also tell him about school, not wanting to be outdone.

“Haruka’s quite popular at school, isn’t she? I’m looking forward to your future.”

As if praising himself, my father always puffed up with pride when listening to my stories.

“That kind, cheerful part of her is just like you, dear.”

My mother would giggle happily.

“Her face is like her mother’s, such a beauty. She’s got the makings of an actress, I tell you.”

“Stop it~”

My mother’s cheeks turned red. My father also looked embarrassed as he spoke.

I remember things like that, over and over.

My grandparents respected my opinion, and we decided I would live there alone once I entered middle school. For about the first year, my maternal grandmother from the next prefecture looked after me, but once I was able to manage on my own, I sent her home.

This is my home, but Grandma has her own home to return to. I worked hard to become self-sufficient as quickly as possible so I wouldn’t be a burden on her.

It seemed my father had taken out a considerable life insurance policy on himself. My grandmother handed me a bankbook, saying, “You can use this as you like.” Additionally, both sets of grandparents deposited enough money into another account to see me through until university without hardship.

I didn’t know if the amount was large or small, but what I felt then, and still remember clearly, was a deep disgust that my parents’ death was being represented by numbers.

I still live in this house where the three of us spent our time together. I’m quite used to it now, but back in middle school, it was terribly lonely. Coming home to this empty house felt far too large for me.

“I’m home.”

I always say the words aloud, knowing no one will answer. Even so, leaving this house was never an option. I wanted to keep the memories my parents and I made locked away inside it.

There were times I thought about joining them.

But I’m sure they would be sad if we met in heaven that way. So, I decided to live this life to the fullest, so that the next time we meet, we can all smile at each other.

No matter how hard, lonely, or sad it gets.

By middle school, I’d gotten used to life and made many friends. I’m good at enduring things, so going along with my friends wasn’t too difficult.

No friends made fun of my situation, and I was often asked to hang out, so I invited them over a few times.

I was lonely living alone, so I was happy about it.

But after something unpleasant happened in middle school, I stopped wanting to invite friends over.

During winter break in my second year of middle school, we decided to have a sleepover. I invited all my close friends, so I think there were about three boys and three girls. We had fun playing games noisily and having pillow fights—that part is a happy memory.

Later, quite late at night, one of the boys got into a strange, hyper mood, and something like a game of tag involving touching started.

We were in eighth grade. Maybe it was inevitable, but the girls were shrieking things like “Pervert! Stop it!” while not seeming entirely displeased, which made the boys get even more carried away.

One boy said, “Hey, you know, I like you, Haruka,” throwing out words I couldn’t tell were true or not. Whistles and shouts of “Go on, hug her!” started flying.

I really liked all of them.

So, I didn’t understand what kind of “like” he meant.

The next instant, while I was still confused, the boy, as if answering everyone’s expectations, hugged me.

Everyone around us was cheering, and the boy was happy, but I just felt nauseous. I don’t know exactly why it felt so awful, but I was hit with a sensation that the home where my family had lived had been defiled.

The next day, I skipped school.

I somehow pulled myself together and went to school, but the boy who confessed started acting too familiar, which also bothered me.

By the fall of my third year, when the groups for the school trip were announced, I was in the same group as that boy. I became anxious, worried that something might happen again.

On top of that, an overwhelming fear swelled inside me—a fear that something similar to the day my parents died might happen again. In the end, I skipped the middle school trip, feigning illness.

After that, I grew distant from my friends, but I threw myself into studying, thinking I could start over in high school.

To avoid worrying my grandparents, I had planned to start working after high school, so I worked hard to get into a reasonably good high school.

Actually, I’m glad I studied hard. I quite like my current high school, and I’ve made good friends.

Since Nao and Akari are fairly good friends, I thought it would be okay to tell them that I live alone and that my parents aren’t around.

They aren’t bad people, but because of my past trauma, I don’t really want them coming over.

They’ll probably say they want to come again. I think it’ll be really hard to turn them down next time.

I’m just adding unnecessary worries to my own plate.

That afternoon, I felt like skipping class. Sometimes, when my heart feels heavy or I don’t want to think about anything, looking at the blue sky makes me feel better.

It’s a clear day today.

There’s no reason not to skip class and go to the roof.

For reasons like that, I skip class about once a month. I open the roof door, and a beautiful blue sky spreads out before me.

“Coming here was definitely the right choice.”

The sky is blue again today. So beautiful.

But, a different view from usual was waiting for me there.