My Sun and Your Star (GL) - Episode 8

I wished I could live strong, even if I was alone.

I wanted to live a life I could be proud of to my parents in heaven, so that when I finally met them, I’d have lots of stories to tell.
I wanted to be a child they could be proud of.

That’s what I thought about every day, desperately.
Don’t let people dislike me. Keep my grades excellent. Learn to do all the housework by myself. I thought that to be someone they could be proud of, I had to be perfect.

I ended up skipping school today. The reason was the sleepover the night before last. I really like my friends, both boys and girls, and I want to cherish them.
Being alone is lonely, and having someone at home helps fill the emptiness gaping in my heart.

I don’t remember hearing anyone’s talking voice in this house for a long time. My own weak, sentimental heart is what led to that situation.

The scene before my eyes was something I couldn’t bear to watch. Out of curiosity, I saw them interacting, boys and girls together, and my spine chilled.
I even felt sick.

Could you really get that physically familiar with people you had just been calling friends so easily?

“I really like you, Hina.”

That’s the last thing I wanted to hear from a friend. If a friend says something like that to me, I don’t know what to do.

I’m fine just the way I am now.
I just want everyone to be happy.

That’s what I thought, and I’ve acted accordingly. Being considerate, keeping a smile on my face, living while holding my breath.

Had my actions been wrong…?

“Let’s make Hina’s house our spot for sleepovers! No one bothers us no matter what we do!”

What did that mean?
“Hey, that’s going too far.”
“Come on, it’s fine. I’m a little jealous of Hina. At my place, my parents are always nagging ‘do this, do that.’ I can’t wait to be free.”

Hearing that from a girl I believed was my friend, my consciousness started to drift away from the scene. The faces of my father and mother in the family altar at the back of the bedroom looked clouded to me.

I couldn’t sleep that night, and the next day, I ended up skipping school like this. What happened in this house yesterday might be normal for middle school boys and girls.

But, no matter how much I blamed myself for allowing behavior that defiled this house that my father and mother had protected, I didn’t feel any better.

I greet my father and mother every day, but today my feet felt heavy, and I couldn’t go to greet them.

I don’t want to go to school tomorrow…

Until now, I could put up with a certain amount of things. If I endured, I could get through most situations smoothly. But enduring any more than this seemed impossible.

Even though I decided to live in a way that would make them proud, I was disgusted with myself for taking actions that were the complete opposite.

Yes, no matter how hard I try, I can’t be perfect.

A failure. Defective.

Those words probably fit me best.

I want to see my father and mother.

Maybe I should just…

I spent the whole day thinking like that, and before I knew it, it was night. I had been sitting on the sofa without turning on a single light, and I went outside as if fleeing the stabbing pain in my chest.

It was the dead of winter, a day so cold the nighttime temperature dropped below freezing. I regretted coming outside in thin clothes without thinking.

But I didn’t want to go back home now.

I sat on a bench at a nearby park and waited for time to pass, for no reason.

——I’m cold.

The feeling in my fingertips and toes was disappearing.
The body heat I’d felt until just a little while ago was gone; I couldn’t feel anything anymore. The sensation in my body was fading away more and more.

Probably, if this continues, I’ll die.

I’ll die?

“If I die here, will I be able to see Mom and Dad…?”

I closed my eyes.

God, I’m not a good girl or a perfect girl, but please take me to my father and mother.

………………

“Um, that’s my regular spot, you know…”

My eyes snapped open, and a little sensation returned to my body. I forced my face muscles, stiff from the cold, to move and spoke.

“Ah, sorry…”

When I looked up, a girl was standing in front of me, illuminated by the park’s dim light. It was a cloudless day, and the stars shining behind the girl I looked up at were beautiful.

Her hair was a beautiful color, like it blended into the navy-blue night sky.

She looked really puzzled.
I haven’t seen her around here.
I don’t think she goes to the same middle school either.

“——Here, use this.”

A handkerchief with yellow embroidery was held out to me.

Why a handkerchief? I wondered.

I hadn’t realized because my face was numb from the cold. Tears had spilled from my eyes and fallen onto my thighs.

I frantically tried to wipe them away, but she held out the handkerchief as if to stop me, and I had no choice but to take it.

“I don’t need it, so you can have it.”

The cute handkerchief was placed in my hand.

“Now it feels like I did something wrong. Haah…”

Mumbling those words, she started to walk away.

I wiped my tears with the handkerchief I’d received.

The sensation that had been fading from my body gradually returned, and I could feel a warmth seeping deep into my chest.

“The stars are so beautiful tonight. I wish I could have seen them with Mom and Dad.”

I lifted my heavy body from the bench and headed home.

If I had stayed like that, I might have been able to see Mom and Dad. But if that black-haired girl whose name I don’t know hadn’t spoken to me, I wouldn’t have been able to see this beautiful starry sky, or wish that I could see it with Mom and Dad.

It’s surely an emotion you can only feel if you’re alive.

I’ll go to school tomorrow.

It’s okay if I’m not perfect.

No matter how awkward it is, I’ll struggle and flounder and try to live.

Clutching the handkerchief I got from the black-haired girl, I made a vow to the starry sky.