Reasonable Loss - 16

Eunsoo turned around. Stepping on broken glass under his shoes, he walked towards the door. There was nothing to take. Since Dokwon had woken up, he hadn’t even put on his coat before leaving.

As Eunsoo crossed the hospital room door, he glanced back. Dokwon was staring at him. Eunsoo whispered softly with a dazed face.

“What we did that day… It wasn’t sex, it was love.”

Whether Dokwon heard those words or not, he just stared blankly, offering no response.

* * *

Eunsoo took the subway and arrived home after a long journey. As soon as he entered the house, he rushed to the bathroom.

Being squeezed among people with the subway’s musty smell and the closeness felt unbearable. He hadn’t taken the subway since college, so everything was challenging to endure.

Climbing up and down the stairs leading underground, enduring the jostling of shoulders and backs, the noisy subway alarms, and the vibrating train. The unfamiliar discomfort tormented Eunsoo.

Eunsoo repeated the act of vomiting in the toilet. It felt like he had been on a bus careening down a winding mountain road for six hours.

Only saliva dripped onto the toilet. Tears were occasionally mixed in. They were not emotional tears, just physiological tears from vomiting. It was truly exhausting.

After a while, Eunsoo left the bathroom, disturbed by the ringing phone. He came out half-heartedly, wiping his mouth hastily.

The caller was Dokwon’s mother, Myunghee.

“Yes, Mom.”

– Eunsoo, where are you? Are you home?

“Oh, yes, I’m home. I’m sorry. I left without saying anything. I’m a bit tired…”

– No, it’s okay. As long as you’re home. I thought you had collapsed somewhere… Have you eaten?

“I’m about to eat now.”

– Okay. Make sure to eat. If you want something, call me right away.

Myunghee expressed her worries for a while. She advised him to sleep well, avoid drinking cold water, not to have bad thoughts, cover himself with a blanket to avoid catching a cold, and so on. Then, she abruptly ended the call, saying that even this could be stressful, mentioning Dokwon, and hung up hastily.

Eunsoo stared silently at the word “Mom” flashing on the screen. Then, he took a deep breath, stretched, and walked into the kitchen with a determined expression.

Let’s eat first. Then, he would shower with warm water and watch TV. He would drink fruit-scented tea while watching a funny program to forget everything he heard from the doctor and the conversation with Dokwon. He would fall asleep, completely forgetting everything.

Eunsoo carefully planned his actions, put the cold porridge in the microwave, and closed the door with a thud.

“Ah…”

Eunsoo blinked his dry eyes slowly. Last night, he had only executed half of the plan he had set up. He had eaten, taken a warm shower, which was perfect. He had even drunk tea while watching a funny program.

But he couldn’t laugh, no matter how hard he tried.

He couldn’t forget what the doctor had said and the conversation with Dokwon. He couldn’t sleep. He had brief moments of dozing off, but the longest sleep was only about an hour.

“This shouldn’t be happening.”

Eunsoo gently stroked his stomach as he lay on the sofa. A sigh escaped involuntarily as he felt his belly, which seemed even thinner than yesterday.

I should eat well. I should sleep well.

He must have thought about it a hundred times throughout the night. As he did, it became more like an obsession. Feeling so helpless and incompetent at this age, he felt extremely pitiful.

Eunsoo sat up and brought the crumpled blanket from afar. He covered himself tightly up to his chest and lay down in a proper position, closing his eyes. He made every effort to fall asleep. However, his mind only became clearer.

Feeling uncomfortable in that position, he turned to lie on his side. He turned horizontally, then flipped over, swimming around the bed as if he were swimming.

Yet, he couldn’t sleep.

Eunsoo, exhausted, lay sprawled on the bed. His head was buzzing. What should he do about this? He rolled his eyes, pondering, but as he did, the single sofa caught his eye. More precisely, it was someone’s coat placed on the sofa.

“…”

It was Dokwon’s coat. The day before the accident. After our date, he gave it to me because it was cold, and I wore it home.

Eunsoo approached the coat as if he were possessed. The black coat was so large that it could serve as a blanket. Eunsoo leaned in and buried his nose in the coat.

As he took a deep breath, Dokwon’s scent filled his senses. It was an intoxicating scent no matter when or how he smelled it.

Eunsoo picked up the coat and returned to the bed. He wrapped the coat around a large pillow and hugged it. It was as if he was hugging Dokwon. Feeling comforted, his tense shoulders and neck relaxed.

Eunsoo closed his eyes slowly. Then, he whispered words that no one could hear.

“I’m sorry for wrinkling your coat. But you’re partly responsible, so I understand. It couldn’t be helped.”

With those words, Eunsoo shed a faint, wistful smile. Finally, he could meet the dream he had longed for all night.