Reasonable Loss - 3

With Dokwon lying there like that, not only work but taking care of his body was hard. Anything he put in his mouth would get stuck, and he couldn’t sleep. The best way to sleep a bit was to nap on the simple bed in the hospital room, next to Dokwon.

In the afternoon with warm sunlight shining in, Eunsu was trimming Dokwon’s nails. Just before, he had shaved him too. He used an electric razor for the beard, but since Eunsu, whose constitution didn’t grow much hair, was unfamiliar with shaving, his movements weren’t great. To the point where he recalled the sculpture class from college days while doing it.

He had to repeat sorry, what do I do, uh, sorry, Dokwon every minute.

Trimming nails was easier than shaving, but still, he concentrated fully and cut carefully. The clicking sound strangely eased his mind.

“This is the first time I’ve trimmed your nails or shaved you, Dokwon. You must have trimmed mine a few times.”

Eunsu muttered in a voice only Dokwon could hear. Then he let out a small laugh. I hadn’t expected a day would come when I trimmed Dokwon’s nails.

That was because Dokwon was always perfect in front of me.

He would wake me up kindly when I whined a lot in the morning, but each time, he was already dressed in a dress shirt and ready for work. While I washed, he would bring breakfast or brew coffee.

Even when work at the company didn’t go well, he didn’t show a bit of irritation in front of me. Even when his secretary hinted that he was in a bad mood because an important contract fell through, I never felt it on my skin.

Unlike me, who caught colds every season and coughed, as a sturdy alpha, he never had a cold or body ache.

So Eunsu had never done anything for Dokwon. No, more accurately, since he was so perfect, there was no chance to do anything. I always just received.

But trimming his nails like this felt new. It shouldn’t feel good. It did.

“What else is there. Things I haven’t done for you yet.”

“….”

“There must be a lot, but nothing comes to mind….”

Eunsu wore a bitter smile.

The sudden tragedy felt more empty and hollow than just sad. Adapting to that tragedy was so hard. Even looking at Dokwon with closed eyes, it didn’t feel like reality. Like having a bad dream.

Eunsu let out a long sigh through his nose and put away the nail clippers. Then he buried his cheek in Dokwon’s neatly groomed palm. His still warm hand, past and present, made his chest throb.

“Tell me, Dokwon. What I can do for you.”

“….”

“I’ll do whatever you say right now.”

“….”

Dokwon had no answer. He didn’t even blink once. Eunsu stared blankly at the motionless Dokwon and muttered.

“It’s real. It’s not a lie. So, tell me anything, a little……”

But Dokwon didn’t say a single word in the end.

* * *

The bandages wrapped around Dokwon’s body had mostly disappeared. The machines hanging heavily from him had decreased, and on his head, a band had taken the place of the bandages. Even so, Dokwon did not open his eyes.

Doctors came and went frequently. They dragged him around here and there, saying they would do examinations.

Eunsu just sat there blankly, watching Dokwon get examined and tested. Even so, his energy was completely drained. Every time the needle pierced his skin, goosebumps rose along Eunsu’s spine.

Eunsu rubbed his dry face roughly. His eyeballs felt gritty, and his skin was rough. His physical condition was not good. He could clearly feel that, but there was nothing particular he could do about it.

Eunsu stroked his still slim belly lightly. Because there was excessively no feeling at all, he couldn’t tell if it was growing well. Well, it was ridiculous to hope it would grow well while living like this.

The doctors chattered on and on in front of Eunsu. It was the same as what they had said the day before yesterday and yesterday. The recovery speed is good. He will open his eyes soon. Let’s wait a little more. Such words.

Eunsu, who had smiled and said thank you just a few days ago, showed no reaction. The doctors all looked like idiots to him. According to Dokwon’s parents, this hospital had all the top doctors in the country gathered. But it seemed like just a den of swindlers.

The doctors hurried out of the room as if chased by something. Once again, only Eunsu and Dokwon remained in the wide hospital room.

Eunsu sat by Dokwon’s side and let meaningless time pass. Sometimes he held Dokwon’s hand, or kissed his face with dry lips, or continued trivial mutterings as if they were conversations.

As he did that, a bright red sunset came pushing in through the window. Already, one day had passed.

A day after the accident was too short and yet too long. Living with the hope that he would wake up today, that there would be progress today, made the day short. Living with the hope that he would wake up tomorrow, or at least the day after tomorrow, made the day long.

Like that, a week passed, and two weeks passed, and the unique smell of disinfectant in the hospital was no longer noticeable. Even though the room, the hallway, and even the bathroom were all white spaces, they looked dark. Suddenly, chills came often from the pain and death of someone embedded in every corner.

Eunsu buried his forehead into the back of Dokwon’s weakly dangling hand. And he took a deep breath, huh-eup. His heart, which had been crumpled by Dokwon’s pheromones filling his lungs, eased for a moment.

Then, he dozed off without realizing. Since his sleep time lately had been at most three hours, whenever his mind relaxed like this for a short while, he fell into sleep helplessly.

How much time had passed. While Eunsu was wandering hazily in his dream, a fluffy blanket fell over his shoulders. At that presence, Eunsu snapped his eyes open. In case it was Dokwon.

“Eunsu.”

Disappointment flashed across Eunsu’s face as he confirmed the owner of the presence. Still, he soon smiled as if nothing was wrong. It was because it was Kiho, Dokwon’s father.

“Uh…… Father. You came.”

Eunsu got up unsteadily. Kiho, who despite his considerable age had no white hair, patted Eunsu’s shoulder lightly.

“Go rest. I’ll be here.”

“It’s okay.”

Eunsu shook his head. At that, Kiho slightly wrinkled the bridge of his nose.

“If you’re here, do you think that guy will wake up? If that were the case, he should have woken up already.”

“……”

“Dokwon won’t die. The bones have already all healed, right? He’s just sleeping a lot now because he usually doesn’t sleep much.”

“……”

“So, don’t worry too much. Go home early today and come tomorrow.”

This is abalone porridge. There’s also pumpkin porridge. I picked some fruits too. Don’t skip meals, eat properly. Okay? Kiho handed Eunsu a heavy paper bag.

Eunsu looked inside the bag. There were two containers of hot porridge, well-prepared fruits, and even disposable chopsticks rolled in tissue. He saw cookies and chocolate too.

Eunsu bit his lower lip.

Dokwon’s parents were strange. Their son was lying there from a car accident, in a coma, and had not woken up for nearly two weeks, yet they were excessively calm. Was it that they were pretending, or did they really not worry? It felt like they were worrying about me more, was that an illusion.

“Go, quickly. Staying like this will hurt your body.”

Kiho led Eunsu to the door. He did not forget to hand him his coat. Eunsu reluctantly moved his feet. While doing so, he glanced at Dokwon. There was not even a twitch though I was leaving.

Every time we parted, we had hugged for several minutes. Even when we had stayed together all night and gone to work together, even though we worked in the same building, there had been countless times when we clung like parting lovers because even that momentary separation was unpleasant.

Recalling that time, his eyes stung. It was not some old event; it had been like that even the day before the car accident, yet it felt like a very distant past.

If he stayed like this, he would show an unseemly sight in front of Kiho. Eunsu forced the corners of his mouth up and gave a farewell greeting that he would go.

And he walked a long distance, took the subway, and returned home. He had his own car, but he could not drive because of the aftereffects of the car accident. When he saw cars speeding on the road, his legs trembled. He could not even dream of taking a taxi, let alone a bus.

It was when he arrived home after exactly one hour, was warming up the cold porridge.

A call came from Kiho.

It was the news that Dokwon had woken up.

* * *

Eunsu got into a taxi without even managing to put on his coat. As soon as he told the driver the hospital name, his body trembled. Cars whizzed by beyond the car window, and every time the taxi stopped at a signal or halted and started, his breathing hitched.

Even so, he could not bring himself to say he would get off. Because he wanted to meet Dokwon even a minute sooner. So, throughout the taxi ride, he kept his eyes tightly shut and his head tucked down.

Eunsu arrived at the hospital only when his bangs were soaked damp with cold sweat. He stamped his feet impatiently, took the elevator, and reached the topmost floor.

The hospital room door was wide open. The commotion spilled out into the hallway. It seemed the talkative doctors were making a fuss again. But that was okay. Today, he thought he could enjoy hearing every word that came out of their mouths more than anything.

Eunsu paused for a moment and steadied his breathing. He straightened his clothes, which had only a knit on, and tidied his disheveled hair. He had seen Dokwon just two hours ago, but it felt like it had been a month since he last saw him.

He wanted to look good. He wanted to say that he knew he would wake up, that he believed it, that he missed him, and that thanks to him protecting me, the baby is safe.