Scarred Hearts — A Girls' Love Tale - Chapter 21

My brother is dead.

I stared blankly at the two cold bodies on the bed—one was my brother, the other my sister-in-law. Covered in white cloth, waiting to be pushed into the cremation chamber.

Thankfully, Luo Xiao was still young. My brother thought it’d be inconvenient to bring her along on this trip, so she stayed behind.

The entire Yan family was shrouded in gloom. I wore black clothes. The last time I dressed like this was when our parents died in a car crash.

Everyone looked solemn. Somewhere in the distance, I heard quiet sobbing.

I didn’t understand why people cried. Some of their tears felt so fake to me—fake enough to make me feel disgusted, not comforted.

This was just adults putting on a show. I got that.

Someone as important as my brother died. Everyone with some status came to the funeral. It wasn’t just a funeral—it was a social gathering, a chance to probe into the current state of the Yan family.

But all I knew was that the brother who used to play with me, train with me, would never wake up again. Just like Mom and Dad. He left me alone in this world.

Maybe I was meant to be alone from the start.

Qinghan hasn’t come again. The adults were too busy to care about me. If she were here, she would’ve stayed by my side, watched me train with swords or guns, cheered me on, and slipped candy into my mouth—sweet enough to fill my whole heart.

Every time I thought of her, I’d feel happy, even in such a gloomy atmosphere. I couldn’t help but smile, even though it wasn’t the right time.

Qinghan was truly amazing. She played with me, made me laugh, gave me sweets, and when I was tired from training, she’d wipe my sweat, hug me, never minding how dirty I was.

I liked her. When I got injured during training, I’d show her on purpose, just to see her worried and anxious. That’s how I knew I mattered to her.

At night, when nightmares woke me up, she would hold me, whisper comfort in my ear, kiss the sweat off my forehead, and pull me into her arms, using her warmth to calm my trembling body.

Whenever she came to the Yan family, I’d find ways to make her stay longer—little tricks and games. I knew she saw through them, but she never exposed me. She’d smile and agree, even when I blushed and asked her to sleep in the same bed.

I loved the feeling of being cared for, spoiled, and protected. Qinghan never looked down on me for being young. She treated me like an equal, always asking for my opinions, respecting my thoughts—right or wrong.

I loved every moment spent with her and never wanted to let go of her hand. I could show all my emotions in front of her without fear.

When I was upset or angry, she would gently pat my head and hug me tight.

Her arms were the warmest place in the world for me.

Black clothes. Black news. Black misfortune.

Death was like darkness—always lurking. Since I’ve always been surrounded by shadows, I might as well become part of them.

Ever since I wore black for the first time, I became attached to the color. In such a dull tone, I could hide myself, and no one would notice.

It was a kind of escape, a kind of helplessness. I was just a child. I hated how adults stared at me with burning curiosity.

So, I became obsessed with black, living in a world of darkness.

Others thought I was strange and avoided me. But Qinghan never minded the dark room I lived in. She’d lie on my bed and chat with me.

I knew she didn’t like black, but she always went along with me, accepting all my odd preferences.

After the funeral, I went back to my routine. I slept when it was time to sleep, ate when it was time to eat. Losing someone didn’t mean I had to abandon my normal life.

People called me a devil.

I heard them say it when they thought they were whispering low enough. But I heard it all. I just didn’t care to respond.

I don’t know what they were thinking when they said that, but honestly, I didn’t really consider others’ feelings. Their judgment wasn’t wrong. My heart had always been with Qinghan—from the moment I first met her. That would never change.

After the funeral, I thought everything would go back to normal. After all, in the underworld, everyone has their fate—even my brother, even if he was the heir of the Yan family. And if one day I died, I wouldn’t think it was strange either.

But then, Grandpa called me over. He sighed, and his voice was full of emotion and seriousness. His words struck a chord in me.

Basically, he was saying that the Yan family was mine to take over now.

I agreed. I had no choice. For the Yan family, for the responsibility I was born with.

Responsibility—something I’ve always taken seriously.

So, my training got more intense. The schedule tightened, and the difficulty increased bit by bit. I didn’t mind, really. I’d inherited the privilege of being the heir. Naturally, I had to prove myself and earn the respect of the people under me.

But ever since then, Qinghan never came again.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I went to ask Grandpa why she hadn’t come.

He told me she was busy and couldn’t come.

He was lying—I knew it. His voice was stiff and unnatural. Something had happened. Something they weren’t telling me.

I wanted to go find her!

That thought stayed in my mind for a long time. Finally, I acted on it, but Grandpa found out and stopped me.

Turns out he had been watching me closely all along.

That realization chilled me to the bone. I couldn’t sleep that night. Without her, the long night felt endless. With Qinghan gone, I was truly all alone. But she promised she’d be with me forever! She even kept the sword I gave her!

Something wasn’t right. Why was Grandpa watching me? Why wasn’t Qinghan coming? Why did the whole Yan family go silent when the Luo family was mentioned? Why did Grandpa look like he was about to explode every time I brought her up?

They were all hiding something from me. Something had definitely happened. Why wouldn’t they tell me?

I begged Grandpa—let me see her. He refused. He didn’t budge an inch. Even when I knelt at the door for a whole day and night, my knees bruised and dark, he still wouldn’t give in. His eyes were bloodshot, but he forced me back to my room.

Why wouldn’t he let me see her?

That was the first time I acted like a desperate child, throwing a tantrum.

I struggled, shouted, completely losing the calm I’d always taken pride in. I became like those kids I always looked down on—crying and throwing fits when they didn’t get what they wanted.

But I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted to see her.

But how could I fight back? I was locked in my room, heart in pieces.

What happened? What really happened?!
When I started starving myself, Grandpa found out and ordered the servants to force-feed me. I never thought he could be so heartless. But without Qinghan, I was already a walking corpse.

Target practice with live ammo, torture, and brutal interrogations—these bloody trials were things I had to go through. I knew how inhumane it all was, but this was the training every member of the Yan family had to endure.

At least Qinghan, when I returned home covered in bl00d, didn’t run from me like everyone else. Instead, she helped me take off those bloodstained clothes and washed away the dark red marks.

She carefully treated my wounds. When I winced in pain, she’d kiss me gently and whisper, “Hang in there. It’ll be over soon. Be good.”

Be good—I would always listen to her. I stayed by her side, protecting her, never wanting her to worry or be sad because of me again.

I’ve been good now, haven’t I? But she’s not here anymore. If she were, she’d praise me, reward me with a kiss on the cheek. I could curl up in her arms, nuzzle into her, and she’d stroke my head, her touch soothing and gentle.

Family, honor—they’re responsibilities to me. But I live for myself. To separate me from Qinghan? Impossible.

The Yan family has Luo Xiao. If I die, it doesn’t matter. But the main family would once again be stuck with dwindling bloodlines.

When no one was in the room, I pulled out the IV and slashed the needle across my carotid artery. I didn’t want to die—I just wanted to gamble.

When I woke up, Grandpa was sitting by my bed. The sigh in his voice and the helplessness in his eyes made me realize he had aged.

I didn’t say anything, just stared at him with bloodshot eyes. My hand was still hooked to an IV drip, but I couldn’t help gripping the bedsheet. My neck still throbbed. I knew there must be a deep, ugly scar. If the cut wasn’t serious, Grandpa would never believe how determined I was.

I wanted him to understand—Qinghan is my everything. For her, I’d throw away all my reason, pride, and dignity.

“When you’re capable of taking over the Yan family, I won’t stop you from seeing her anymore,” Grandpa finally said with a sigh. A compromise.

I had no choice but to accept. And so, under what was essentially house arrest, we made that agreement.

Eleven years of grinding patience, and I finally became the head of the family. The first thing I did was find out where she lived.

I could finally see her. That thought wrapped itself around me. At this moment, all I wanted was to see her—the one who had been my spiritual anchor all these years, the goddess of my heart.

I brought nothing with me except Jiangli. I knew Chengying was still with her.

“Tell your mistress that Yan Shuangfei is here to see her,” I said. My voice was so dry and rough it felt like scraping across frosted glass. My hands were trembling with excitement—I was finally going to see her.

She was just inside that house. Maybe reading, maybe tending flowers… She was so close now. I wouldn’t have to wait much longer.

The guard eyed me warily, puzzled at first, then hesitantly picked up the radio to announce my arrival.

Good. The new head of the Yan family had made a name for herself. I was pleased.

I craned my neck, searching for her figure. I imagined her reaction when she heard I was here. Would she be happy? Would she run into my arms, overwhelmed with joy?

She ran toward me. That made me happy. It meant she had missed me too. I couldn’t help smiling. The sun was warm—perhaps God had forgiven me for all my shameful fantasies.

Through my blurry vision, I saw her approaching—closer and closer. I suddenly got nervous. What should I say when we meet? What should I do? Should I hug her and tell her how much I’ve missed her? Tell her I nearly went mad over these years of longing?

She stood in front of me, so real it felt like a dream. Just like the reunion scenes I had imagined countless times.

Her lips trembled. After a long pause, she finally said, “You’re here?”

Yes. I’m here.

Like old friends reunited after a long separation, just one simple greeting carried all the emotion we couldn’t express. But we were far more than just friends.

Even saying that one line took all my strength. Being face-to-face with her made me so excited and nervous I could barely speak.

I had grown taller—almost her height. She had matured, carrying the calm confidence of someone hardened by years in the business world.

Everything about her felt familiar, yet distant. It’s okay. From now on, I’ll be by her side.

I’d seen her before—at family gatherings, her blurry figure hidden in the crowd. I often mistook others for her, but never her for anyone else.

But I kept my promise not to seek her out. Even on missions, when I was close by, I held myself back.

Sometimes, I was amazed by my own restraint.

No worries. The future is long. I told myself to wait a little longer, just a little more—and we’d never have to part again.

How foolish of me, to believe she was also thinking about me, just as I longed for her.

Every night, reliving our memories was my ritual before sleep. Each time, the details became richer. In my dreams, we were always together, strolling down the river of time.

She suddenly buried her head into the crook of my neck, trembling as she clung tightly to my coat. I held her close. The feeling of her in my arms was so real, it hit me all at once.

Happiness was right here, in my hands. For some reason, the sunlight made me want to cry.

So sappy. I laughed at myself.

Her warm body leaned against mine, and her soft scent wrapped around my heart, making it flutter.

I wanted more.

She was married now. I reminded myself—I couldn’t give her happiness. But so what? I loved her. I loved everything about her. Her likes and habits were etched into my bones. I couldn’t erase them, and I didn’t want to.

I wanted to grow old with her.

My body reacted before my brain could catch up. The desire to claim her hit me hard.

I knew exactly what I wanted. In this dirty world, pretending I didn’t understand was a joke. Not only did I understand—I was deeply familiar. I’d participated in more than my share of the dark dealings underground.

Inside her house, I looked around. It was very clean, not a trace of a man’s presence. No signs of another living here. It looked like her husband didn’t stay here regularly.

She looked a little shy, her gaze flitting nervously. Her face blushed as if she was lost in thought. To me, she was the ultimate temptation.

I stepped forward and kissed her cheek gently. I didn’t dare go too far. I could only test her boundaries, little by little.

“Shuang’er…” she whispered my name, stirring up a storm in my heart. Just that one call brought me back to our childhood. I was still the girl who always needed her company.

But really, I belonged to her. Willingly. I wanted to give her my whole heart.

I wrapped my arms around her waist, careful not to cross any lines. But my racing heart and quickened breath reminded me how much I had changed.

I wanted her. I wanted to be one with her. All the years of patience had finally led to this moment. What I felt for her was far more than sibling affection.

I touched her gently, and she didn’t resist. Instead, she leaned into me.

It was a surprise—one that made my heart race wildly. I hated how desperate I suddenly felt, like a man yearning to possess her.

My actions grew bolder. Her soft breaths encouraged me.

She didn’t say no. She let me do what I wanted, just like when we were kids, when she always forgave me for every mistake.

I believed she would love me. Even if, right now, she was just humoring me, I believed that one day, I’d make her truly love me.

I held her and followed her lead to the bed. She knew what I wanted, but didn’t refuse. Did that mean I still had a chance to win her back from someone else?

From now on, she would be mine. Just the thought made me dizzy with joy. I couldn’t help but smile like a fool.

I don’t know why, but I could never hide my emotions around her. I even found myself a little annoying.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked. Her smooth, fair shoulder was exposed, and the sunlight outside cast a soft glow over her half-loosened clothes—tempting beyond reason.

I kissed her lightly, gently, afraid of hurting her.

I’d been holding back for years. Now I wanted to let go. But I also wanted to give her the best experience, to show her just how deeply I loved her.

She frowned slightly, emotions churning in her eyes. She lifted her chin to rest on my shoulder, arms wrapping tightly around me. Her warm breath brushed my ear.

Her soft body nestled into my embrace, moving gently with me. Her scent, her warmth—they were addicting. I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to hold her forever. I wanted her to be happy every single day.

Her eyes were hazy and filled with complex emotion as she looked at me and whispered:

“Don’t leave me.”

I hugged her tighter.

How could I ever leave you?

If anything, it should be me begging you—please don’t leave me. I couldn’t handle another separation. It would break me.

Qinghan, this time… let me be the one to love and protect you.