The Detective is Useless (GL) - Chapter 1

“Currently fifteen years old, Tian Sisi is the youngest Chinese detective, with a record of assisting the police that ranks first in all of Asia. She is hailed as the female Sherlock Holmes. Her grandfather is none other than the famous Tian Yi, known as the ‘Armchair Detective.’ It is said—”

Jin Yunjue turned off her phone screen. She had to get off at the next stop.

Nine years ago, Tian Sisi had already made a name for herself, splashed across major newspapers. What kind of person was she really? The old photos were blurry, faintly showing the image of a young child. She should have grown into a graceful young woman by now, right? By her age, she should at least look like a fresh college graduate just stepping into the world.

To be honest, if you asked Jin Yunjue whether she was willing to be reassigned to Tian Yi’s main detective agency—to help restore its former glory as it teetered on the brink of collapse—she wasn’t exactly thrilled. After all, since her first year studying in England, she had worked at the Tian Yi Detective Agency’s London branch. From part-time to full-time investigator, more than seven years had passed. She was used to everything in England.

Now, being asked to return alone to her hometown, shouldering the responsibility of reviving the main branch’s reputation—Jin Yunjue felt uneasy. She feared failing, and she feared facing an environment that was practically foreign to her. After all, she had been away for over seven years. The world had long since changed.

And yet, in the end, she accepted Tian Yi’s request. She would be reassigned to assist his granddaughter Tian Sisi in investigations, working as her partner. Because Jin Yunjue knew that Tian Yi had chosen her because he trusted her. She owed the old man so much—this was her chance to repay him, and also a chance to challenge herself. If she could save the agency, it would be something to be proud of.

Still, she couldn’t figure it out. If Tian Sisi was truly as capable as the reports claimed, how could the agency have fallen into such decline?

Whatever the reason, Jin Yunjue didn’t feel the need to dig deeper. Truthfully, the biggest reason she agreed to take on this assignment was because she had a huge argument with her mixed-race boyfriend in England. She wanted to leave for a while, calm down, and maybe reset their relationship.

Regardless of her motives, Tian Sisi was delighted to hear someone new was arriving. With an assistant, she could finally relax and go play.

The day Jin Yunjue arrived, dragging her luggage to the address of the main branch, she immediately regretted insisting she could handle it alone. Her bags were heavy, and she was unfamiliar with the streets. Backpack on her shoulders, suitcase in one hand, phone with maps in the other—she looked both pitiful and exhausted.

And the people at the main branch—really! When she said they didn’t need to pick her up, did they have to take her literally? Couldn’t they at least offer again? Some courtesy would’ve been nice.

Winter had just passed, summer hadn’t yet arrived, and after just a short walk from the bus stop, she was drenched in sweat. Why did the detective agency have to be halfway up a mountain? And not just that—why were the roads so narrow and steep? And worse, why so many long, stone staircases leading up? Staring at the endless climb, Jin Yunjue wanted to cry.

Looking around, she found a small alley with a winding slope that went around. It was farther, but at least she wouldn’t have to climb stairs. Small blessings.

Meanwhile, Tian Sisi, the supposed host, was living carefree.

“Xiao Liu, hurry up! You said the assistant arrives today, but you’re walking so slowly. If she comes and finds the door closed, she’ll blame you.”

Tian Sisi was sprawled lazily on Liu Yu’s back, yawning.

“Sisi, have you been eating more lately?” Liu Yu complained. If she hadn’t claimed to have twisted her ankle, he wouldn’t have to carry her like this. And at over forty kilograms, she wasn’t exactly light. Thankfully, Liu Yu was the head of the CID action team. His physical training was probably better than a firefighter’s.

“You’re the one who’s eaten too much.” Tian Sisi rapped her knuckles on his head and tugged his ear. Who would’ve thought that the usually imposing Liu Yu could be so easily bullied by her?

After a while, Tian Sisi’s eyes lit up. She patted Liu Yu’s shoulder and whispered, “Ten o’clock—beauty spotted!”

Liu Yu looked in that direction. A girl with a backpack was dragging her suitcase, glancing at her phone as she walked. The more he looked, the more familiar she seemed. “That person looks familiar.”

Tian Sisi slapped his back hard. “It’s the beautiful assistant!” she exclaimed happily.

Liu Yu nearly coughed up bl00d from her slap. Looking carefully, he recalled the photos from the files. Indeed, it was the assistant sent by Elder Tian. But beautiful? Something felt off. “Wait, didn’t you say yesterday she wasn’t pretty?”

“The photo wasn’t pretty. The real person is.” Tian Sisi grinned like a rascal, drumming her tiny fists against Liu Yu’s back. “Quick, quick, quick! Put me down!”

“Didn’t you say your foot was sprained?” Liu Yu asked.

“It’s better now!” She punched him lightly again. “Come on, put me down already!”

With no choice, Liu Yu shook his head and set her down. So she’d been faking just to get carried again—this trick always worked.

Once on her feet, Tian Sisi nudged Liu Yu forward. He got the hint and walked toward Jin Yunjue.

“Hello, are you… ‘Ge Junyu’?” Liu Yu asked.

Jin Yunjue looked up blankly at him. Behind him, Tian Sisi clutched her forehead in embarrassment. Oh dear. Liu Yu’s Chinese clearly wasn’t his strong suit.

Tian Sisi yanked him back by the collar, stepped forward with a bright smile, and said:
“It’s Jin Yunjue. Pronounced like ‘jin’ in near, ‘yun’ in mist, and ‘jue’ in realize. After the college entrance exams, she went to study law in England, graduating with first-class honors. She declined her professor’s offer for postgraduate studies and instead joined the London branch of Tian Yi Detective Agency.”

Glancing back at Liu Yu’s awkward face, she added, “Hi, Xiao Jin, I’m the person you’re looking for—Tian Sisi.”

“You’re… Tian Sisi?” Jin Yunjue stared in disbelief.

This disheveled little brat in front of her was Elder Tian’s granddaughter? Wasn’t she supposed to be a genius, once famous across Asia? The youngest ever, with the highest case-solving rate?

Yet here stood a messy, mushroom-haired girl with no sense of dignity, nothing like the elegant professional she’d imagined. She looked more like a high schooler than a young adult. And she smelled oddly… like plants? On top of that, her Mandarin had a strange accent, almost as if she were deliberately pretending to be foreign. No wonder all the photos online were of her as a child—her grown-up self was too unpresentable!

What shocked Jin Yunjue most was that Tian Sisi immediately called her “Xiao Jin.” Wasn’t that far too familiar? She was younger than her! It made Jin Yunjue feel extremely uncomfortable.

But was Tian Sisi really that bad? Well… if she cleaned herself up, she could actually be considered quite cute. She was petite, sweet-looking, even adorable. But with that rogue grin and slick-tongued chatter, it felt like such a waste of potential.

“Don’t mind him, my uncle’s Chinese isn’t great. Last time he even read the witness Zhou Zihuan’s name as Zhou Xinheng,” Tian Sisi said, patting Liu Yu’s head.

“Do you have to keep bringing that up?” Liu Yu pinched her cheek helplessly. She always loved broadcasting his embarrassing moments.

Watching the two of them interact, Jin Yunjue froze. Uncle? Wasn’t this Liu Yu? He matched the photos, but wasn’t he supposed to be the rising star of the police force, the most promising officer of the next generation? Yet here he was, letting Tian Sisi knock him on the head, even looking aggrieved like a bullied little brother. And wasn’t he supposed to be Tian Sisi’s elder, respected even by her cousin Tian Chi?

Had the world turned upside down, or was she just too old-fashioned?

Shaking off her shock, Jin Yunjue composed herself, bowed slightly, and said politely, “Hello. You must be Liu Yu, right?”

Liu Yu smiled and nodded, gentlemanly as he took her suitcase. “Let me carry this. It must’ve been tough traveling so far.”

“It’s not hard. Elder Tian asked me to come, so of course I’ll do it.” She replied with courtesy, though in her heart she was screaming: “Yeah right! You knew I came all this way alone and didn’t pick me up. I nearly died from exhaustion!”

Liu Yu led them back to the agency. Empty-handed, Tian Sisi had no intention of helping carry anything. Instead, she rubbed her belly and said cheerfully, “Xiao Jin, have you eaten yet? I know a great restaurant!”

“I’ve already eaten. Let’s head to the agency first.” Jin Yunjue hadn’t, but right now she needed rest more than food.

“Fine.” Tian Sisi pouted, then whined, “Xiao Liu, I’m hungry.”

Xiao Liu? Jin Yunjue frowned. Was this kid really so disrespectful?

“You just had lunch! What, do you have worms in your stomach?” Liu Yu turned back, indulgence in his eyes. “Fine, I’ll buy you chicken later.”

“Soy-sauce glazed chicken!” Tian Sisi grinned.

“Got it.”

Jin Yunjue was stunned once more. Liu Yu doted on Tian Sisi even more than a boyfriend spoiling his girlfriend. Could this be… some kind of taboo romance case?!