The Detective is Useless (GL) - Chapter 6

Jin Yunjue considered herself someone with a temper that was neither particularly good nor particularly bad. Few people had ever seen her truly angry; most of the time, she treated others with a friendly, approachable demeanor. Being rather traditional, she valued etiquette highly—she treated others with courtesy and respect, and expected to be treated the same in return.

The problem was, Tian Sisi had no manners whatsoever. She was disrespectful, irreverent, lazy, slippery-tongued, always grinning, and constantly stepping on Jin Yunjue’s landmines. That alone wasn’t enough to make Yunjue furious. What really drove her up the wall was the gradual realization that aside from growing flowers, cooking, bargaining, sleeping, and playing video games, Tian Sisi seemed to have no other useful skills at all. She showed no inclination to work or make herself useful.

And when she got a new phone? Not once did she use it for client business. She just kept gaming. The most infuriating part? In just four days, Tian Sisi had nearly cleared the entire game—while Jin Yunjue, after months of effort, had only made it through two-thirds of the levels and was currently stuck in an escape room stage she couldn’t get past. It was maddening!

Fine, Jin Yunjue admitted to herself—the real reason she was angry was because of the mobile game.

“Miss Tian, it’s been half a month without business or clients. Don’t you think you should be worried?” Yunjue sat down beside her, scolding lightly.

“Mhm, I am very worried. Right now I’m even a bit… bladder-worried,” Tian Sisi squinted at the screen, tapped her finger, and whooped, “Oh yeah! Cleared it!”

“Lazy people are…” Yunjue stopped herself, realizing the phrase sounded too harsh, and switched her words. “Other than eating, playing, and sleeping, can’t you do something constructive? Don’t you feel you’re wasting all the human functions you were born with?”

“Not at all! I’m fully developing the ‘aesthetic appreciation’ function. My very existence is to make the world more pleasing to the eye!” Sisi struck a “V” sign with her fingers and winked cutely.

“You’ve maxed out your narcissism stat, haven’t you!” Yunjue was exasperated. Even if Sisi was a little cute, this was just too much.

Fuming, Yunjue stomped upstairs, unwilling to stay in the same room. Suddenly her phone buzzed. She glanced at the preview without opening it. A text from her boyfriend in England. Only now—after she’d been away half a month—did he think to send a message? Outrageous.

Jin Yunjue was determined to defend the dignity of being a girlfriend. She would make him stew longer. If she forgave so easily, he’d just repeat the same mistake next time. But… what mistake had he actually made? Thinking back, it had started as a small argument, then escalated until neither would give way, and eventually even dragged their families into it. That was when her anger had become impossible to quell.

She couldn’t help but think: if only her boyfriend had a touch of Tian Sisi’s care-free attitude, maybe they wouldn’t butt heads so often. And if only Tian Sisi had half of her boyfriend’s drive, Yunjue wouldn’t have to worry about how to revive the detective agency.

Thinking of Sisi, Yunjue’s frustration flared again. Not to mention the gaming—yesterday’s phone call had already been enough to infuriate her.

She had gone to a print shop to have posters and flyers made, only to find her USB drive unreadable. Without a cloud backup, she’d had to call Sisi back at the agency.

“Miss Tian, please send me the file named ‘Promo Poster.’”

“Hmm? By courier?” Sisi’s voice was distracted; she was clearly in the middle of a game.

“By email.”

“Where?” Then came a sharp scream that nearly burst Yunjue’s eardrum, followed by: “You bastard! You killed me! I’ll respawn and kill you! Kill you kill you kill you!”

Yunjue rolled her eyes. “Please open my computer.”

“How do I open your computer?” Sisi asked, genuinely confused.

For a moment Yunjue was speechless. What kind of brainless question is that?

With effort, she stayed patient: “Then open your computer.”

“It’s already open. I’m playing Ultimate Three Kingdoms on it!”

“Exit the game. Now, what do you see on the desktop?” Yunjue wanted nothing more than to smack the girl’s head—if only distance didn’t prevent it.

“Mhm… Coke, potato chips, a ballpoint pen—”

“Miss Tian, go to hell!” Yunjue exploded, shouting so loudly even the print shop clerk turned to stare.

“Alright, alright, I’m just teasing you. I’ll buy you some calming tonic later. File’s sent.” Sisi said breezily.

She clearly understood but pretended not to, making Yunjue lose face in public. Yunjue really wanted to give her a beating. But when she returned home that evening and found Sisi had already cooked dinner, her anger dissipated. Now, thinking back, she realized she was still angry. How had one meal bought her off so easily?

Pouting in frustration, she was startled when her phone rang again. For a moment she thought it might be her boyfriend calling out of concern. But when she saw the caller ID, a faint disappointment flickered—then excitement. She hung up and immediately shouted downstairs:

“Brother Liu called! We’ve got a case!” She rushed down to the first floor, grabbed Sisi by the collar, and ordered, “We’re going to the crime scene. Now!”

“Aaah, but I haven’t had afternoon tea yet!” Sisi struggled, to no avail. Yunjue dragged her out the door and into her shoes.

Tian Sisi technically owned a car, though it was usually driven by Liu Yu. Since Yunjue had arrived, the car had been left for her use. This was her first time officially driving Sisi’s battered Volkswagen Beetle. Honestly, the old thing suited Sisi perfectly—but Yunjue hated that it always needed several tries before the engine started.

The crime scene was at the edge of town beneath an elevated highway. The victim was a homeless man, over fifty, around 1.6 meters tall, small in build. His makeshift “home” under the bridge was built from cardboard and scrap metal.

He lay on his back, with no visible wounds, but his death didn’t appear natural. Liu Yu speculated possible poisoning.

The only noteworthy evidence was a torn-open bag of almonds and a dish containing them, found on the cardboard bedding. Almond crumbs still clung to the man’s lips. A quick field test showed no toxins in the almonds, so poisoning via almonds was ruled out. The only certainty was that he had eaten them before death.

Liu Yu gestured, and his subordinate brought over a suspect. “This is Cai Zixian, very capable,” he introduced briefly, then pointed out another colleague nearby, Su Xiaobin, saying they’d meet later. Turning back to the suspect, he explained: “Our men noticed this fellow acting suspiciously. His answers were evasive, so they pressed him. That’s when they discovered the body. With no wounds, if it’s not poison, it might be suffocation. The death is recent—marks may not have surfaced yet, though his neck looks slightly reddened.”

The suspect was a thin, pale man of about forty, poorly dressed, looking shabby but not exactly homeless. He trembled in fear. To Yunjue, he seemed unlikely to have the strength—or the courage—to kill.

“So the culprit is you!” Sisi suddenly pointed at him dramatically.

“It wasn’t me! I swear!” the man cried.

“Alright, case closed! Let’s pack up! I’m going back for tea and video games—oh yeah!” Sisi grinned, about to leave, when Yunjue seized her arm. Her voice was cold: “Miss Tian. Get back here.”

Sisi wilted.

“Come on, he’s the prime suspect. Maybe the victim caught him scheming to steal, so he silenced him by smothering—”

“No. His hands are uninjured, and there are no signs of struggle. Normally, a victim would fight back—he’d at least have scratches or bruises.” Yunjue shot her a glare. “And what ‘treasure’ could a homeless man under a bridge possibly have to steal?”

“Right, right! It really wasn’t me!” the suspect jumped in. “I just happened to pass by. I was scared, that’s all…”

“Brother Liu, did you even search him?” Sisi asked suddenly.

Liu Yu blinked, realizing he had forgotten. He signaled to his subordinate, who frisked the man.

No weapon was found—but a stash of drugs was.

At some point, Sisi had donned gloves. She sniffed the powder and exclaimed, “Wow, high purity!” Then she pointed accusingly. “So—you were afraid the victim would expose your stash, so you killed him to shut him up!”

The suspect collapsed, pale and shaking. “No! These are for me! I use them myself! Yes, I have drugs, but I didn’t kill him! How could I? I was just walking fast, trying to get a charge—” He began trembling with withdrawal.

Yunjue observed quietly, muttering, “Looks more like drug withdrawal.”

“Mhm! You laced the food to trick him into eating it!” Sisi pressed on.

“Why would I waste my expensive stuff on him? I didn’t even know him!” the man cried, breaking into convulsions.

Yunjue shook her head. “An overdose wouldn’t present this way. And even if, as you say, he poisoned the food—the dosage wouldn’t be enough to kill. The man may have been poisoned, but not with what this suspect had. And if they were strangers, it’s unlikely he plotted this in advance.”

“If… if he had caught me with drugs, my first reaction would’ve been to run!” the man insisted.

“Unless you had some kind of supernatural foresight that he’d find out, so you—”

“Stop! That’s ridiculous.” Yunjue rolled her eyes. “Supernatural foresight? Too much anime rotting your brain, Miss Tian.”

Turning serious again, she said, “The true culprit is someone else.”

“Ugh, fine, you think about it. Good luck!” Sisi plopped down nearby, chin in hand, watching like a spectator.

Yunjue nearly exploded. No wonder the agency had no clients—this girl’s “detective work” was complete nonsense. She asked Liu Yu to take the suspect back to the car, then turned back to examine the scene.

What was the real cause of death? Suicide, homicide, or accident? The mystery was far from solved. The work had only just begun.