When I Asked My Husband for a Divorce, He Said He’d Be Bringing Home a Young Woman, So I Left - 15

Mother.

It seems I’ll be joining you soon.

Even now, I still wonder why. The tears still come whenever I think about it.

The more I cry and purge this viscous darkness inside me, the clearer it becomes – the only thing left is the knowledge that I’ll die soon. And that moment keeps drawing nearer.

I never wanted Ixel to become a Duel. I just wanted him to stay by my side forever.

If he had, perhaps I’d be surrounded by children by now.

Even if my time couldn’t be changed, I might have had a future where my husband and children could see me off. When I think of that, I’m overwhelmed with regret, sorrow, anger, resentment, and jealousy toward those who will keep living. It feels like I might lose myself completely.

And yet… there’s also this sense of relief about the approaching end.

If Ixel hadn’t gone to the frontlines, many might have died… but there are other Duels, aren’t there? Why did Ixel have to be the one responsible for their lives?

When I’m the one who’s about to die.

If Ixel hadn’t become a Duel and gone to the front, perhaps his heart wouldn’t have changed.

Thinking this way, I can’t help but wonder why I have to bear the full brunt of the aftermath of Ixel becoming a Duel.

I didn’t care about the frontlines. I just wanted him by my side.

After living safely all these years protected by generations of Duels and soldiers, how selfish and ugly of me.

My feelings for Ixel, my resignation at my own powerlessness, my fear of death, and despair so deep I wish to disappear – they all tangle together like sludge clinging to my throat, making it hard to breathe.

Even when I swallow them down or spit them out and find some calm, they surge back like seizures. When the storm passes, all that remains is that same knowledge – I’ll die soon.

And so my heart becomes tangled all over again.

So please, when my time comes, won’t you come for me?

I feel certain I’ll fall into darkness, refusing to accept that I alone must die, and become something terrible.

Something terrible that wishes misfortune upon everyone.

Both versions of me exist within – the one who wishes happiness for all, and the one who thinks everyone should die too. Right now it’s the former, but when the time comes, I can’t be sure which I’ll become.

I want to remain the me who wishes happiness until the very end.

So please, while I’m still myself, take my hand.

Please, I beg you… Mother.

With hands pressed to the ground and head bowed before the grave, I made my plea to mother.

Even after I’m gone, I want everyone to live happily.

But another part thinks – once I’m gone, let them all be miserable.

I’m terrified of being imprisoned by these voices within, of ceasing to be myself.

The thought of losing my consciousness and becoming something that spreads misery is more frightening than being forgotten by everyone.

I’m afraid to die.

It’s lonely and terrifying.

All living things must die someday.

Not just me – everyone will die.

I know this, yet it’s still so frightening and lonely.

That’s why I want to cling to mother.

Surely God… the God who favors Ixel and Charlotte… won’t even glance my way.