When I Asked My Husband for a Divorce, He Said He’d Be Bringing Home a Young Woman, So I Left - 9
Since then, Ixel had never returned home. His reason was some vague “business (Charlotte).”
I stopped going to see him too.
The steward wanted to ask Ixel for his intentions again, but I stopped him. We were long past the point of caring about rumors.
By my next birthday, I would be twenty-eight—the same age Ixel was when he became a Duel. That meant I would finally be the same age as my husband, who had been frozen in time.
Somehow, I had begun to think that this ten-year milestone in our marriage might be the time to finally settle things with Ixel, who still refused to initiate a divorce.
The succession of both the territory and the trading company was in order, and the wounds in my heart had healed just enough for me to consider my own future.
If no amount of anguish or clinging would bring me back into Excel’s heart, then I had no choice but to let go.
A sharp pain stabbed through my stomach.
Perhaps from too much brooding—lately, my stomach often twisted in agony.
I just wanted to be free of this pain soon… or so I had thought, naively.
“…I’m afraid the news is not good.”
Concerned by my pain, the maid summoned a doctor, who delivered the diagnosis: an incurable illness and a limited time left.
“Six… months?”
“At best, with rest and treatment from a spirit healer, perhaps an extra month or two… though it’s also possible the progression could be faster than expected.”
“I… see.”
Spirit healing could ease pain slightly or enhance the effects of medicinal herbs by borrowing the power of spirits.
That alone was remarkable, but it was nothing like the healing light of a Duel.
Even as the doctor told me there was no hope left, I was surprised by how calm I felt.
Some part of me must have always wished for death.
Only now, relieved by this reprieve from the obligation to keep living, did I realize it.
At last, I understood—most of my heart had already died long ago.
Even as part of me wished to disappear, having lost my husband’s love, another part still clung to the impossible hope of a future where I bore Excel’s child.
The remnants of my heart were a tangled mess.
Even if by some miracle I conceived now, the child would never be born. Even if I were blessed, I wouldn’t live long enough to carry them to term.
I had wanted a child.
A child to inherit this land—my husband’s child.
Because it would have been Excel’s, I had wanted to bear and raise it.
I want to disappear. I want to give birth. I want to disappear. My confused heart screamed in agony.
And yet, a detached part of me listened to that scream.
Now I have the perfect reason to file for divorce myself, I thought coldly.
“We must inform the master at once. The healing light of a Duel could—”
As I closed my eyes in thought, the steward immediately moved to arrange it, but I stopped him sharply.
“No.”
“But, my lady…!”
“Using a Duel’s power for personal gain is a grave sin. Not only would the viscounty be stripped of its title, but the blame could extend to the people of the territory. I will never allow that.”
“My lady…”
“The miracle of divine power is lent only for the battle against monsters. It is said that if that power is abused, even the Duel themselves will face divine retribution. And if he were to use his healing light on me, the powerful across the kingdom—no, the entire continent—would demand the same for themselves, turning human against human in war. It is only because we share a common enemy in the monsters that the nations maintain their balance. A Duel’s power is for the front lines alone. The first Duel and the king of that time established this rule, and it must never be broken.”
As a citizen, as one entrusted with the lives and livelihoods of the people, and as the wife of a Duel—this was the one thing I could never ask of him.