When I started Suspecting my Wife of Cheating, I Somehow Ended up Living in the Middle of Nowhere - Episode 5

The Internet’s Theory

On the internet, there are all kinds of forums for specific situations. One of them is a forum called “Sare-otto.”

“Sare-otto” is short for a husband who’s been cheated on. In other words, someone like me (?). In my case, it’s not confirmed yet. It’s still at the “maybe my wife is cheating” stage.

At that point, there’s this thing called “consulting.” You post your current situation, and the forum members give you advice on what to do next.

Even without posting, you can read other people’s “threads,” which are basically topic discussions. You’ll find plenty of similar cases.

In my situation, it seems the first step is to gather evidence. If you can pinpoint specific days or times your wife is going out, it’s a good idea to hire a private investigator. They’re pros and can take clear photos of things like entering a love hotel. These photos are high-quality enough to be used in court.

Photos or videos of the actual act are also valid. If the cheating man is brought into the house and things happen there, you can sometimes catch it on hidden cameras and mics.

In some cases, investigators even manage to get video or audio from inside a love hotel. But it’s important to remember that illegally obtained evidence might not be admissible in court.

One key point: collect multiple instances of evidence. A single event can be brushed off as a moment of weakness, and the burden is on the betrayed husband to prove otherwise. After the first time, wives often become more cautious, making continued infidelity harder to document.

So ideally, you want to catch two or more incidents from the start. That way, you have a solid case in court.

If you suspect an affair, you have to gather evidence without alerting your wife. And even if you find something, you must hold back until you get enough to prove repeated cheating.

Once you have enough proof, don’t confront her directly. First, talk to a lawyer. Have them assess your evidence. If it’s strong enough to win in court, the lawyer can send a certified letter to your wife.

This letter says, essentially, “Your infidelity has emotionally harmed your husband, and he is demanding compensation.” You can demand damages from both your wife and the other man.

In a typical working-class family, the standard is 200,000 to 500,000 yen each, depending on the marriage length and finances. People tend to aim high, though—there’s no harm in asking.

If they pay at this point, the case is considered settled out of court, and the process ends relatively quickly. Still, you should expect a few months.

If no settlement is reached, the next step is mediation. This happens in court, with a mediator who listens to both sides and offers suggestions.

If that doesn’t work, it goes to trial. This can take one to two years. Damages usually drop to 100,000 to 200,000 yen. It takes more time, and legal fees pile up. This is the worst-case scenario.

If you don’t mind the time and money, you can get divorced. But if you have kids, like in my Zenpuku household, custody becomes a problem.

The sad reality is, “The wife cheated, so the husband gets custody” doesn’t usually fly in court. For some reason, the legal system tends to favor mothers, assuming they’re more crucial to child-rearing. About 70% of custody cases go to the mother.

If the father wants custody, he has to present proof that the mother neglected housework or was violent towards the children. He also needs to prepare a solid child-rearing environment—often with the help of his parents—and show actual parenting experience.

Only after all this can you hope to get a divorce, claim damages, and win custody. As for finances, anything earned or acquired during the marriage must be divided equally. Savings or property from before marriage or inherited assets don’t count.

That’s the general internet “theory” from discovering an affair to getting a divorce.

In my case, at this point, I only knew she was cheating. I hadn’t come up with a plan for getting custody of our daughters.

If someone from the forums had been there, they probably would’ve tackled me to stop me.

Because that night, after my wife got back from shopping, I asked her directly. Big no-no. You’re supposed to let the lawyer handle it—or at least talk in front of a lawyer.

“Hey… are you cheating on me?”

Normally, you’d expect a denial (“Of course not!”) or an apology (“I’m sorry”).

Instead, what came back was totally unexpected.

“That’s right. You finally figured it out?”

I was speechless. And while I was stunned into silence, she started ranting about her dissatisfaction with me.

“I’m sick of always being broke and worrying about money!”

Good thing we were sitting down at the table. Her words made my head spin. If I’d been standing, I might’ve collapsed.

“You’re never home, always working. You leave randomly, day or night, and you’re still doing bottom-tier jobs. It’s pathetic.”

But I’d taken that job because she said I should. I even quit my cleaning job for it…

“He’s rich and handsome. I was going to leave you eventually anyway. Now that you know, let’s just get divorced.”

I’m not rich. Or handsome. She picked a guy who’s basically my opposite.

“I’ll take the kids. We’ll split the savings—though there’s not much. As for damages, it’s 100,000 yen from each of us, 200,000 total. He’ll cover my part too.”

None of the internet theories applied. This kind of thing only happens once in a lifetime, if ever.

I was so shocked, I couldn’t even argue. And this is where the “talk with a lawyer present” rule would’ve helped.

Most people can’t move toward divorce this smoothly. But my wife kept talking, one step after another—it was clear she and the other guy had already planned everything out.

I was too stunned to say a word.

“Here, fill this out.”

She pulled a completed divorce form out from the back of the dresser like she was just asking me to take out the trash.

“My daughters and I will leave after the weekend. This is a rental, so decide if you want to stay or move.”

With that, she went into her bedroom.

If we’re going by theory, once the wife tells the other man she’s divorced, he gets scared and runs, and then the wife comes crawling back.

I hoped that would happen. But no—she left with the girls as promised and never came back.

That was the end of my marriage. It felt like the end of my life.

Even though I thought my daughters and I were close, both chose to go with her. All I had left was the 200,000 yen compensation, deposited later, and the rental apartment full of memories.

I had completely lost.

Zenpuku Kiyomi’s Tweet (Divorced, but didn’t bother reverting to her maiden name because it was too much trouble)

I left the house. Took the girls with me. Now the divorce is officially moving forward. Finally, I can cut ties with that fat, uneducated loser.

He said he’d take care of all three of us. He’s the CEO of a big company. Rich, with a graduate degree. A real man—not like a dropout.

The girls will benefit from having a rich dad in the long run. He’s young, too. The girls will love that!