Why Suffer for This Distress (GL) - Chapter 23

Su Xiyan was also unable to accept the outcome after all this effort. The double pain of disappointment and loss struck He Jingmo’s chest like a heavy hammer, forcing tears to stream down her face and causing her to collapse weakly onto the floor.

Years of affection and years of effort were all in vain at this moment. He Jingmo stared blankly ahead, her mind in chaos.

Su Xiyan was also crying, but her crying was clearly not as restrained as He Jingmo’s. The pain welling up from her heart made her sob uncontrollably, her heart-wrenching cries echoing throughout the room. She looked at He Jingmo, who was slumped on the floor crying, staggered over, knelt beside He Jingmo, reached out, and pulled her into her embrace.

“I’m sorry, Jingmo. I let you down.”

Finally, in that most familiar embrace, He Jingmo stopped restraining herself, letting her tears fall like broken strings, sobbing silently. She wept out the bitterness and pain of these years, the grievances and sadness of these years. Since it was the last time anyway, what more did she need to worry about or pretend? Having been in pain for too long and hurt for too long, she really couldn’t accept this outcome. He Jingmo tightly clutched Su Xiyan’s clothes, curled up into a ball, her body trembling with sobs.

“You… you haven’t let anyone down…” Even in this final embrace, even with the death sentence pronounced on years of love, He Jingmo still looked at Su Xiyan stubbornly. Her usually gentle eyes were now filled with tears. She felt that her entire psychological defense had collapsed. The only hope that had sustained her all these years was gone. Even so, she wanted to leave with dignity.

Because no matter what, she didn’t regret loving Su Xiyan. In the days to come, the memories would be enough to keep her company. She didn’t want Su Xiyan to bear any psychological burden, any guilt or apology. Since this affection had begun as her one-sided desire, she would silently endure this painful ending alone.

“It’s all my fault. I was wrong. We are friends, the best of friends. How could I… how could I be like this… You won’t forgive me, will you?”

Su Xiyan was also completely broken. She tightly held the trembling body in her arms. He Jingmo’s reaction made her heart ache almost to the point of bleeding. She should have guessed it long ago. She should have understood this heart and this feeling long ago. If it hadn’t been for Wei Ning’s appearance, how would she have seen her own heart clearly? It turned out that she had loved He Jingmo for so long. This love was so deep, so deep that it was difficult for her to control, so deep that it made her painful and uneasy. The person in her arms was the one who would be by her side no matter if she was happy or sad, the first person to stand up when she was in trouble. How could she have done such a beastly thing?

Apart from holding each other and weeping bitterly, the two could not find any other way to express their feelings at this moment. He Jingmo wept quietly. She looked at Su Xiyan unblinkingly, her hand slowly tracing her cheek.

This person will no longer be hers…

Su Xiyan grabbed He Jingmo’s hand, her tears flowing more profusely. Her chest ached from crying. She tightly hugged He Jingmo and shook her head, “Jingmo, you knew all along, didn’t you? You knew for a long time?”

At this point, there was no need for He Jingmo to hide anything anymore. There was no more painful result than losing Su Xiyan. She tried hard to control her emotions and nodded, “Yes, I knew for a long time. I knew in college.” Saying this, tears flowed again, leaving two streaks on her fair cheeks. He Jingmo wiped away the tears, her voice extremely choked, “I knew. I always knew.”

When she first understood this affection, He Jingmo spent one difficult and painful night after another alone, only accompanied by tears, trying to hide this deep feeling. But whenever she made up her mind to give up on Su Xiyan, Su Xiyan would always cheerfully come over for various reasons. All her resolute decisions would disappear because of one word from her. As long as she saw her smile and heard her voice, He Jingmo couldn’t help but fall deeply into it. No matter what others said or did, Su Xiyan was always in the softest part of her heart. Now, this softness was about to leave her. Other than tightly clutching Su Xiyan’s clothes, He Jingmo had no other way to vent.

“So, will you leave me?”

Su Xiyan asked the question she was most afraid of. Although she tried to stay calm, her voice still trembled uncontrollably, betraying the panic in her heart.

He Jingmo raised her hand, gently wiped away her tears, shook her head, and looked into her eyes, saying firmly, “No, I will never leave you. I will only go if one day you get annoyed with me and don’t want me to appear beside you anymore.”

He Jingmo’s words filled Su Xiyan with sorrow. She held He Jingmo’s hand and pressed, “Will you look down on me?”

He Jingmo looked at her and gently shook her head. Look down on her? How could she look down on Su Xiyan? Matters of the heart are naturally a mutual affair. Since all the happiness was her illusion, merely a veil of false appearance, what reason did she have to harshly blame Su Xiyan? She couldn’t bear to…

He Jingmo’s words made Su Xiyan feel much better. No matter what, this outcome was not as tragic and unacceptable as she had feared. Since childhood, she had never been so brave. She stared unblinkingly into He Jingmo’s eyes, “Jingmo, can we still be like this?”

This time, He Jingmo did not give her a firm answer. Could they still be like this? He Jingmo looked at Su Xiyan, her heart almost shattered by the look of profound sorrow in Su Xiyan’s eyes. Deep love meant fear of losing. But now that she had truly lost, could she still guard Su Xiyan as before? Did she have the courage to watch Su Xiyan embrace her lover, see her happy smile, and watch her drift further and further away from her?

He Jingmo’s hesitation once again stung Su Xiyan’s heart. She bit her lip, looked at He Jingmo, her tear-stained face unwavering, and spoke with utmost determination, one word at a time: “He Jingmo, no matter what, I will not leave you, and I won’t allow you to leave me, not even an inch.”

“Xiyan, don’t be like this…” He Jingmo’s painstakingly controlled tears were stimulated by Su Xiyan’s words, falling onto Su Xiyan’s hand. The heartache and pain overflowing from the bottom of her heart made her reaffirm and confirm her feelings once more. Reaching out, she pulled He Jingmo into her embrace, holding her tightly, and whispered in her ear: “I know, Jingmo. You can’t accept me, can’t accept this kind of relationship. But I truly love you. I love you so much that I can’t control it. If you want to be annoyed, then be annoyed. I won’t give up.”

“What?” He Jingmo’s whole body shook. She looked at Su Xiyan through her teary eyes, filled with shock. Su Xiyan looked into her eyes and took a deep breath, “I know I’m despicable, falling in love with the best and most cherished friend of my life. But I’ve already fallen in love. What can I do? I will work hard, work hard to make you accept me. Please don’t hate me, don’t leave me. I have no other thoughts. I just want to silently guard you. Can I? Jingmo? Can you give me this right?”